Tiffany will be excited that I am updating!
I have been moving and shaking lately!!
I've lost 34lbs since Labor Day, 24 of it since Christmas. I am too freakin' excited to keep going and keep losing and feeling better and looking better. I feel like I can do it this time and really get where I am going. It excites me to no end.
I forced my family to start eating a ton more produce and they've come along pretty well. They do try and I think it helps that I am not on any "diet" and can (and will) still eat some regular stuff. I did have to draw the line at Shay buying a family sized box of FudgeeOs the other day. A chocolate bar in the house is fine but a box of cookies is sabotage!
I have been enjoying my time off from work - though I am not sure how I ever had time to work! I started a forum to go with my A Fat Girl & A Fat Horse Blog, and have been updating at least once a week (lately more like three times per week) through vlog on my Youtube account by the same name (afatgirlafathorse).
I started milking a goat yesterday that lost her kids a couple of days ago. I have plans for goat cheese and yogurt and possibly some soap. I am pretty psyched about that!
We bought three calves this fall - two are for the freezer (and are way too cute!), and one is a heifer to keep as a family cow for me to milk :-D and raise a calf out of every year. Right now she has ringworm (or some kind of fungus that is making the hair around her eyes fall out...) so I have been putting a green Copper solution on it to clear up the fungus and it looks like I am putting green eyeshadow on her. :)
And that's pretty much it, and random. And yes, still single, but a lot more happy about it. Except I want to go on a date... just a date, it doesn't have to be romantic! LOL
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I am the queen of scary experiences!
So yesterday I was the victim of road rage, and it could have potentially gone over really badly.
Let me preface this whole thing by saying that sometimes, I am really stupid. Since my parents raised me "right", sometimes my instinct to be polite and respectful to adults overrides my instinct for self-preservation - so I will let myself get into situations where I may potentially get yelled at or hurt because it would be rude to ignore someone, etc. Very seldom do I engage in confrontation, and then it is usually only after I have been abused for quite some time.
I dropped mom off at the corner of the HSBC building in Fredericton and edged up to King Street. It was a red light, but I saw nothing coming and made a legal right on red. Out of nowhere, somebody starts laying on their horn and does for pretty much the length of the block. I got to the next light, feeling properly chastised, even though I was quite sure I had done nothing wrong, and it was red. I sat there for a minute when I heard someone try my door handle. I have never been so thankful in my life for doors that auto-lock when you drive. I look to my left and a man in his 40's or so, in a pea coat has tried to open my door. He signaled for me to roll down my window. This is the part where I should have ignored him and then driven away but I didn't because of that war of instincts, right?
So I edged my window down a teeny bit and he says, angrily "Do you realize you just burned at a red light?" (I still don't know what that means?) - I said "Um... I made a legal right turn at a red light."... he said "No, you BURNED." and since I had no idea what he was talking about and had nothing else to say to him, I just rolled up my window and drove away since the light had changed. I sincerely hope that someone blasted him with their horn because he was holding up traffic at the green light.
Shay says I should have dialed 911 into my phone and held it up to the window with my finger on talk and seen if he would go away. I should have taken his license plate number. I am justified.
Why?
Because my mom witnessed the pulling out and she said that she didn't think he even had to touch his brakes, nevermind slam them on to avoid hitting me. He just got mad that I pulled out in front of him, I guess. My theory is that he was trying to rush a yellow light instead of stopping like he should have and got pissed because I might have held him up a little bit.
I was so scared and ANGRY, I was shaking until I got Shay to the dentist and had some time to calm down and breathe. I don't know if I was more angry at him or at myself for even rolling down the window. What if he had had a gun? Or a knife? Or pepper spray? To hell with being polite. I know I won't be doing that again! I like to think that if the door hadn't been locked, I would have pushed it out quickly and hit him with it and then driven away, but I can't guarantee that would have been my response, because I always think of the best things to do after the situation has already passed. Eek!
Let me preface this whole thing by saying that sometimes, I am really stupid. Since my parents raised me "right", sometimes my instinct to be polite and respectful to adults overrides my instinct for self-preservation - so I will let myself get into situations where I may potentially get yelled at or hurt because it would be rude to ignore someone, etc. Very seldom do I engage in confrontation, and then it is usually only after I have been abused for quite some time.
I dropped mom off at the corner of the HSBC building in Fredericton and edged up to King Street. It was a red light, but I saw nothing coming and made a legal right on red. Out of nowhere, somebody starts laying on their horn and does for pretty much the length of the block. I got to the next light, feeling properly chastised, even though I was quite sure I had done nothing wrong, and it was red. I sat there for a minute when I heard someone try my door handle. I have never been so thankful in my life for doors that auto-lock when you drive. I look to my left and a man in his 40's or so, in a pea coat has tried to open my door. He signaled for me to roll down my window. This is the part where I should have ignored him and then driven away but I didn't because of that war of instincts, right?
So I edged my window down a teeny bit and he says, angrily "Do you realize you just burned at a red light?" (I still don't know what that means?) - I said "Um... I made a legal right turn at a red light."... he said "No, you BURNED." and since I had no idea what he was talking about and had nothing else to say to him, I just rolled up my window and drove away since the light had changed. I sincerely hope that someone blasted him with their horn because he was holding up traffic at the green light.
Shay says I should have dialed 911 into my phone and held it up to the window with my finger on talk and seen if he would go away. I should have taken his license plate number. I am justified.
Why?
Because my mom witnessed the pulling out and she said that she didn't think he even had to touch his brakes, nevermind slam them on to avoid hitting me. He just got mad that I pulled out in front of him, I guess. My theory is that he was trying to rush a yellow light instead of stopping like he should have and got pissed because I might have held him up a little bit.
I was so scared and ANGRY, I was shaking until I got Shay to the dentist and had some time to calm down and breathe. I don't know if I was more angry at him or at myself for even rolling down the window. What if he had had a gun? Or a knife? Or pepper spray? To hell with being polite. I know I won't be doing that again! I like to think that if the door hadn't been locked, I would have pushed it out quickly and hit him with it and then driven away, but I can't guarantee that would have been my response, because I always think of the best things to do after the situation has already passed. Eek!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I know it's not always a party...
I rode again today but discovered that Bronwyn and I were both too tired and sore to really put much effort into it so we worked on bending and moving off the leg. I really think she is making progress, and the consistency in the work really helped. My goal is to take her to a weekend of clinics in May (Can Am) and one show next summer. I would also like to take her to the Equine Review, of course, but I won't hold my breath too long and hard on that one!
I am really sore through my shoulders and arms more than anything. The last two days, it has been painful to close my legs and hold them closed (just because of the muscles, of course), but that seems to have diminished some and now it's just arms and shoulders. Hopefully I can sleep some of it off since I have to work tomorrow and I am sure my boss will be delighted by me being unable to lift soup bowls, or... well, anything!
I've decided B and I will take tomorrow off and then work on Saturday and Sunday as well, because mom will be around and will be able to give us a bit of a lesson and help us out some. I really like having that opportunity and I shouldn't take it for granted!
I am, unfortunately, already starting to peruse the job sites to see what is available and such. I do need to get work in January/February, I think... as much as I hate to. BUT I am going to insist on a Monday-Friday job. And days only. I don't care if that means I make minimum wage (I make minimum wage now!), because mom works a Mon-Fri job and we would be able to travel together if I found something like that and it would make it less of a deal for me to have to take minimum wage. Secretarial or something would be really nice. :)
I am really sore through my shoulders and arms more than anything. The last two days, it has been painful to close my legs and hold them closed (just because of the muscles, of course), but that seems to have diminished some and now it's just arms and shoulders. Hopefully I can sleep some of it off since I have to work tomorrow and I am sure my boss will be delighted by me being unable to lift soup bowls, or... well, anything!
I've decided B and I will take tomorrow off and then work on Saturday and Sunday as well, because mom will be around and will be able to give us a bit of a lesson and help us out some. I really like having that opportunity and I shouldn't take it for granted!
I am, unfortunately, already starting to peruse the job sites to see what is available and such. I do need to get work in January/February, I think... as much as I hate to. BUT I am going to insist on a Monday-Friday job. And days only. I don't care if that means I make minimum wage (I make minimum wage now!), because mom works a Mon-Fri job and we would be able to travel together if I found something like that and it would make it less of a deal for me to have to take minimum wage. Secretarial or something would be really nice. :)
You make me weightless...
So I would have to say of late this blog is more "of riding" than anything, but that's okay. :) I enjoy my horses and even if I have no one who reads regularly and of them, no one who really likes horses, at least I will have the ability to look back and say "aww, look how far we have come!".
I rode Bronwyn yesterday and it was nice because I had a camera assistant with me. :-D VERY rare to be able to get someone out with a camera in hand to photograph/video me but we did a nice trade off in which she video'd and photographed for me and I did the same for her with her dog later (it's Shay by the way).
B finally seems to be "getting" the yield on the right rein which makes me really excited. Mom watched the video last night and there were a couple of parts where she was like "That's NICE!" which means a lot because even if mom doesn't like or want to ride horses anymore, she once was great and so I really am desperate for her praise and approval. It's nice to get it once in a while.
We later worked on some of Bronwyn's tricks, which I am just dusting off again. We worked on the bow for a second day and since I had Shay, she stood ahead of Bronwyn and clicked and treated when we got and held the desired position with her knee on the ground. She did this because she has great timing with the clicker and also because I am not coordinated enough to guide her leg down, click at the right time and then treat in a timely manner. I am working on it, though! I am not sure whether I should even try the bow today without Shay around to give me a hand because it may just set her back, but here's a cute video. :)
I rode Bronwyn yesterday and it was nice because I had a camera assistant with me. :-D VERY rare to be able to get someone out with a camera in hand to photograph/video me but we did a nice trade off in which she video'd and photographed for me and I did the same for her with her dog later (it's Shay by the way).
B finally seems to be "getting" the yield on the right rein which makes me really excited. Mom watched the video last night and there were a couple of parts where she was like "That's NICE!" which means a lot because even if mom doesn't like or want to ride horses anymore, she once was great and so I really am desperate for her praise and approval. It's nice to get it once in a while.
We later worked on some of Bronwyn's tricks, which I am just dusting off again. We worked on the bow for a second day and since I had Shay, she stood ahead of Bronwyn and clicked and treated when we got and held the desired position with her knee on the ground. She did this because she has great timing with the clicker and also because I am not coordinated enough to guide her leg down, click at the right time and then treat in a timely manner. I am working on it, though! I am not sure whether I should even try the bow today without Shay around to give me a hand because it may just set her back, but here's a cute video. :)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Just breathe...
Yesterday, I rode Bronwyn and didn't even pretend to myself that I was going to do anything else with any other horses because I just didn't have the energy. I am sore and weak through my body because of riding but I am hoping that will wear off by the weekend.
B was very good this time around. I set the video camera up so that we could use it to see what was going on on the right rein. She appears to be bending, just not moving off my leg. Might try some stuff from the ground today. She was, again, trying to trot off when I put my leg on her to ask her to move over in that direction. More work, yippee!
I'll share the video as soon as it uploads on Youtube!
ETA: Video is uploaded, here it is for those who are interested in watching a fat lady ride her horse for 9 minutes!
After riding, we worked on her bow. I got her all the way to the ground with her knee on it. Now I need to not get so excited when she does it that I let her get up because I definitely ruined it by getting so excited and clicking and treating and loving her. I am going to have to treat her while she is still in that downward position. We also worked on her spanish walk, which is where she walks with large, exaggerated steps in the front. I am teaching her to do this by encouraging her to touch my trick stick with the fronts of her knees, however, she is not so into walking and doing that at the same time, so... we'll work on it. It's more of a "spanish stand" right now.
I also want to work on some liberty stuff. That can be our big excuse for taking her all around - her big "act" where she basically runs around like a tard, and then comes back to me and is connected to me. I just have to figure out how to get her connected to me and paying attention to my body first.
B was very good this time around. I set the video camera up so that we could use it to see what was going on on the right rein. She appears to be bending, just not moving off my leg. Might try some stuff from the ground today. She was, again, trying to trot off when I put my leg on her to ask her to move over in that direction. More work, yippee!
I'll share the video as soon as it uploads on Youtube!
ETA: Video is uploaded, here it is for those who are interested in watching a fat lady ride her horse for 9 minutes!
After riding, we worked on her bow. I got her all the way to the ground with her knee on it. Now I need to not get so excited when she does it that I let her get up because I definitely ruined it by getting so excited and clicking and treating and loving her. I am going to have to treat her while she is still in that downward position. We also worked on her spanish walk, which is where she walks with large, exaggerated steps in the front. I am teaching her to do this by encouraging her to touch my trick stick with the fronts of her knees, however, she is not so into walking and doing that at the same time, so... we'll work on it. It's more of a "spanish stand" right now.
I also want to work on some liberty stuff. That can be our big excuse for taking her all around - her big "act" where she basically runs around like a tard, and then comes back to me and is connected to me. I just have to figure out how to get her connected to me and paying attention to my body first.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday of my week of work!
I had a rather ambitious plan this morning (well, Monday morning rather, since it's pushing 1am now) to ride 2 horses (Jessie and Bronwyn) and work two horses on the line (Ari and Freckles). Rex is a little sore right now and I am not sure what is going on in his little (haha just compared to B and Freckles!) feeties, so I'll give him some time to tough up.
In addition to working four horses, I was going to scrub buckets and clean/re-organize my tack area because it's getting a wee bit wild and wooly. I also had to water horses and clean stalls among other things.
This is exactly what I got done before everyone started coming home:
I rode Bronwyn for 45 minutes.
I watered everything.
I put Ari on the line and spun her around a couple of times before I decided it looked like she was off and put her away.
Then I collapsed.
Working Bronwyn for so long took a TON of energy out of me. I defy ANYONE to tell me that riding that horse is not a workout. Maybe not a "traditional" workout, but I sure had that same sloshy belly, sloppy legs feeling when I got off of her as I do when I get off the treadmill or bike. I can feel it in my core and in my back muscles and it feels pretty darn good. I just wish there was a way to balance out the strength in my body - my right side is significantly weaker than my left side and it has reflected on Bronwyn to the point where we're having some real difficulty with the right side of HER body and her wanting to bend her body in a nice arc around a circle instead of just bending her neck, throwing her shoulder and trotting straight. We'll work on it, though, I think.
I am also really, really interested in working Bronwyn on some liberty stuff. Maybe not this year but next (2011), I'd like to be able to do a few demos on her tricks and show off my pretty horse. Really, all I want to do is show her off. I am trying to think of reasons why she should be going to the Equine Review in May because I really want to take her, just to show her off. I also want her to get some area experience because I plan to take her in the Wind Rider challenge at Can Am in late May as well. We shall see where all of this goes.
All I know is that my seat is feeling different, my legs are feeling stronger, and the saddle feels bigger under my arse. I have maintained 10lbs of weight loss since Labor Day, but I don't think I have lost anymore really... but my metabolism sure feels different, but swings. Some days I could go all day like a workhorse and other days I am hard pressed to get ANYTHING done without literally crawling back to my bed. I'm not sure what's going on but I think it has to do with the birth control I am on right now. Oh well, another couple of months will tell for sure, I guess!
I am off work til Friday so I am planning to try and ride everyday until then, take Friday off then ride Saturday when I can get a "lesson" from mom. She seemed to have no advice on Bronwyn's stiffness but I might try tying her head tomorrow just to see if I can get that nice soft bend from the ground, and also might pick up my trick stick to remind her to move her ribcage as well as her head.
In addition to working four horses, I was going to scrub buckets and clean/re-organize my tack area because it's getting a wee bit wild and wooly. I also had to water horses and clean stalls among other things.
This is exactly what I got done before everyone started coming home:
I rode Bronwyn for 45 minutes.
I watered everything.
I put Ari on the line and spun her around a couple of times before I decided it looked like she was off and put her away.
Then I collapsed.
Working Bronwyn for so long took a TON of energy out of me. I defy ANYONE to tell me that riding that horse is not a workout. Maybe not a "traditional" workout, but I sure had that same sloshy belly, sloppy legs feeling when I got off of her as I do when I get off the treadmill or bike. I can feel it in my core and in my back muscles and it feels pretty darn good. I just wish there was a way to balance out the strength in my body - my right side is significantly weaker than my left side and it has reflected on Bronwyn to the point where we're having some real difficulty with the right side of HER body and her wanting to bend her body in a nice arc around a circle instead of just bending her neck, throwing her shoulder and trotting straight. We'll work on it, though, I think.
I am also really, really interested in working Bronwyn on some liberty stuff. Maybe not this year but next (2011), I'd like to be able to do a few demos on her tricks and show off my pretty horse. Really, all I want to do is show her off. I am trying to think of reasons why she should be going to the Equine Review in May because I really want to take her, just to show her off. I also want her to get some area experience because I plan to take her in the Wind Rider challenge at Can Am in late May as well. We shall see where all of this goes.
All I know is that my seat is feeling different, my legs are feeling stronger, and the saddle feels bigger under my arse. I have maintained 10lbs of weight loss since Labor Day, but I don't think I have lost anymore really... but my metabolism sure feels different, but swings. Some days I could go all day like a workhorse and other days I am hard pressed to get ANYTHING done without literally crawling back to my bed. I'm not sure what's going on but I think it has to do with the birth control I am on right now. Oh well, another couple of months will tell for sure, I guess!
I am off work til Friday so I am planning to try and ride everyday until then, take Friday off then ride Saturday when I can get a "lesson" from mom. She seemed to have no advice on Bronwyn's stiffness but I might try tying her head tomorrow just to see if I can get that nice soft bend from the ground, and also might pick up my trick stick to remind her to move her ribcage as well as her head.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Just say goodnight and go...
The more I think about it, the more happy I am with my decision to give up on Roux. He is not now, and at 35, probably never will become the man I want and need him to be. I have learned much, including how to well and truly love myself, extra pounds and all, through him, so I can't be angry or bitter, I can just be slightly melancholy and smile a little sadly.
I think what bothers me the most is that, though he does have plans, and sometimes even ambition to get them rolling, he doesn't seem satisfied with allowing what he has in the now to flourish while he works toward what he wants. Like, all I can think about now is starting my summer riding camp, but in the meantime, I am still working, working toward it and where I am at right now is not my "ideal", or where I want to be exactly right now, but I am happy with what I have and I feel like he isn't. I have my own problems to deal with and I don't need his. I really want to remain friends with him because he's interesting and I think he has a lot to offer but in the meantime, I am just done.
My Facebook status the other day was:
And that's just how I feel right now. I am happy with LIFE in general right now. The last couple of years have been more or less this way - what a change to the crippling depression I dealt with in high school... I feel so much better!
I think what bothers me the most is that, though he does have plans, and sometimes even ambition to get them rolling, he doesn't seem satisfied with allowing what he has in the now to flourish while he works toward what he wants. Like, all I can think about now is starting my summer riding camp, but in the meantime, I am still working, working toward it and where I am at right now is not my "ideal", or where I want to be exactly right now, but I am happy with what I have and I feel like he isn't. I have my own problems to deal with and I don't need his. I really want to remain friends with him because he's interesting and I think he has a lot to offer but in the meantime, I am just done.
My Facebook status the other day was:
I sure feel like I am kissing a lot of frogs lately - romantically and otherwise. Oh well! Every mistake is a lesson learned and one step closer to getting it RIGHT. <3 I love myself enough to let myself have the opportunity to get what I deserve, and not what I am settling for!
And that's just how I feel right now. I am happy with LIFE in general right now. The last couple of years have been more or less this way - what a change to the crippling depression I dealt with in high school... I feel so much better!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I remember looking at you, wondering if you even knew...
Roux texted me last night on his own accord... which is not something he often does. It only took him 48 hours after my trip to Bangor to make contact and see if I even made it out alive, yannow? The girls at work told me I'm not allowed to text him back, ever. I figure if I wait until tonight, that will just get my point across. Obviously, I have more thought and effort invested in it and I want to stop that because it's only hurting me. And if I text him back right away and revert right back to the sad, desperation I've had over the last little while, I am just going to be a hypocrite because that's what I gave my friend grief for. So, resolve. Check.
One thing I had thought about and wanted to say in this blog because it's been running around in my head is about the Amish type people ("Christian brotherhood", live very similar to the Amish) that I have been dealing with this past week. They are friends of Roux's and had a puppy that he had bought from us but gave to them when he went longhaul trucking. After an accident earlier this summer with some farming equipment, they wanted another dog and so when we got Rhyme, we got them a good deal on another pup in the litter. I was out there to their place twice.
I love the property. I love the idea of working the land. I even think I could live that way (which is ironic because that's how Roux would love to live but I don't want to live with HIM that way anymore, THAT foolish idea is out of my head). I would mourn some things, like hot showers and the internet, but I think in the long run, I would enjoy it. It is kind of the essence of me that I try to accommodate as frequently as possible but which is not often possible due to the rat race of life. They have 10 kids.
I went out there Wednesday afternoon before going to pick the pups up in Bangor so I could pick up their money to deposit and send to the woman who sent the puppies. I never thought of it but I was wearing makeup and dressed pretty snazzy. I wonder what they see when they looked at me? Was it garish and leering? Or was it the same way they would see anything else? The kids were so excited about the puppy, I doubt they were thinking about it at all!
The next night when I brought the puppy back to them, all the kids met us outdoors in their bare feet at nearly 9pm. They were so excited... and these people are so GOOD. I enjoy spending time with them, they really project this aura of goodness and honesty and wholesomeness that even some of the best "good" people I have met in my day to day don't project. I rarely find that ANYONE I meet in my day to day life projects quite that much anyways.
We have a fencer on loan today and a new fencer on the way to zap the bajeesus out of the horses... I am excited. :)
One thing I had thought about and wanted to say in this blog because it's been running around in my head is about the Amish type people ("Christian brotherhood", live very similar to the Amish) that I have been dealing with this past week. They are friends of Roux's and had a puppy that he had bought from us but gave to them when he went longhaul trucking. After an accident earlier this summer with some farming equipment, they wanted another dog and so when we got Rhyme, we got them a good deal on another pup in the litter. I was out there to their place twice.
I love the property. I love the idea of working the land. I even think I could live that way (which is ironic because that's how Roux would love to live but I don't want to live with HIM that way anymore, THAT foolish idea is out of my head). I would mourn some things, like hot showers and the internet, but I think in the long run, I would enjoy it. It is kind of the essence of me that I try to accommodate as frequently as possible but which is not often possible due to the rat race of life. They have 10 kids.
I went out there Wednesday afternoon before going to pick the pups up in Bangor so I could pick up their money to deposit and send to the woman who sent the puppies. I never thought of it but I was wearing makeup and dressed pretty snazzy. I wonder what they see when they looked at me? Was it garish and leering? Or was it the same way they would see anything else? The kids were so excited about the puppy, I doubt they were thinking about it at all!
The next night when I brought the puppy back to them, all the kids met us outdoors in their bare feet at nearly 9pm. They were so excited... and these people are so GOOD. I enjoy spending time with them, they really project this aura of goodness and honesty and wholesomeness that even some of the best "good" people I have met in my day to day don't project. I rarely find that ANYONE I meet in my day to day life projects quite that much anyways.
We have a fencer on loan today and a new fencer on the way to zap the bajeesus out of the horses... I am excited. :)
Friday, October 30, 2009
I try to be happy because I have a puppy...
My life feels really strange in general right now.
For the first time, ever, my best friend of 20 years and I may not be best friends anymore? She's been dangerously involved with a man she knows very little about for the last few months and it took a turn for very serious about a week ago, and she knows I disapprove. Finally, when she insisted she knew what she was doing was stupid, I let 'er rip and gave her a piece of my mind about the whole thing - without being too nasty - but I sure did tell her that I think she's going down a slippery slope and that "breaking up" with him for only TWO DAYS because there was a gross show of disrespect on his part and then getting back together with him only showed him one thing and that was that when she says "no", she doesn't mean it. I just hope she doesn't get hurt too badly. Her sister is keeping tabs on her for me because I haven't heard from her in two days since I sent her the email.
I've also completely given up on Roux. I wanted him to go with me to Bangor Wednesday night and asked him about a week in advance about it. He sounded amiable to the idea. Wednesday morning rolls around and he can't go with me (this was about the time that shit hit the fan with the aforementioned best friend, or maybe it was Tuesday night?)... because he needs to fix the heater in his truck but he said it "would have been fun" - when I expressed that I really had wanted him to come so I didn't get lost, he asked when I was leaving and I said it was okay, I would googlemap it. Though I told him I was worried about getting lost, I still haven't heard from him, so he doesn't even know if I made it back alive or not.
I am just tired of hanging around on a line for him. I was sure, back in August that we were building up to something but it has taken so long to come that I am just tired of it all. Like, I literally want to sleep instead of think about it. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me by now. He would make time. He would put off fixing his truck for a day or two. So now if he decides he wants to be with me later, it might be too late. Now I just need to find someone to move on to.
In the meantime, mom's new puppy loves me, which is kind of awesome because I didn't want her to get the puppy in the first place but I am secretly glad to have her even though it is hard to type with a puppy on your lap!
For the first time, ever, my best friend of 20 years and I may not be best friends anymore? She's been dangerously involved with a man she knows very little about for the last few months and it took a turn for very serious about a week ago, and she knows I disapprove. Finally, when she insisted she knew what she was doing was stupid, I let 'er rip and gave her a piece of my mind about the whole thing - without being too nasty - but I sure did tell her that I think she's going down a slippery slope and that "breaking up" with him for only TWO DAYS because there was a gross show of disrespect on his part and then getting back together with him only showed him one thing and that was that when she says "no", she doesn't mean it. I just hope she doesn't get hurt too badly. Her sister is keeping tabs on her for me because I haven't heard from her in two days since I sent her the email.
I've also completely given up on Roux. I wanted him to go with me to Bangor Wednesday night and asked him about a week in advance about it. He sounded amiable to the idea. Wednesday morning rolls around and he can't go with me (this was about the time that shit hit the fan with the aforementioned best friend, or maybe it was Tuesday night?)... because he needs to fix the heater in his truck but he said it "would have been fun" - when I expressed that I really had wanted him to come so I didn't get lost, he asked when I was leaving and I said it was okay, I would googlemap it. Though I told him I was worried about getting lost, I still haven't heard from him, so he doesn't even know if I made it back alive or not.
I am just tired of hanging around on a line for him. I was sure, back in August that we were building up to something but it has taken so long to come that I am just tired of it all. Like, I literally want to sleep instead of think about it. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me by now. He would make time. He would put off fixing his truck for a day or two. So now if he decides he wants to be with me later, it might be too late. Now I just need to find someone to move on to.
In the meantime, mom's new puppy loves me, which is kind of awesome because I didn't want her to get the puppy in the first place but I am secretly glad to have her even though it is hard to type with a puppy on your lap!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
But it's so good to believe...
I am feeling pretty down right now.
Yesterday, I poked my head out to check on the horses and they were in the back field. The fence looked like something had come through it from the outside, in. I went out to retrieve the horses, and brought Freckles and Jessie in... this left Ari and Bronwyn and Sable, our 25 year old retired broodmare. When I went back for my second round of pony wrangling, Sable was standing with her back to me and I could see that her fetlocks were covered in blood.
When I got a little closer, after she evaded me a bit, I saw that the entire front of her back legs were drenched in blood and she had a very significant cut on the front of each leg. I helped her to the barn, going slow and easy, and got the other two horses into the fence. I lugged her to the barn and then tried to set up the hose so I could rinse off the blood and see how bad the cuts were. I could not coax her back out of the barn and to the hose... we stood in the yard and she bled and bled while I called mom and dad, and the vet.
I didn't realize she was bleeding THAT much and the thought of stopping the blood somehow managed to be secondary to getting her hosed down, I don't know why, but when I looked back and saw how much blood was there in just the few minutes I had spent talking to mom and dad, I realized she needed to have some pressure put on them.
I got her inside, got some pads and polo wraps and wrapped her up as tight as possible, then put her in the back box stall all bedded up. The vet arrived about 45 minutes after we called for him and gave her a shot for the pain, then investigated the wound a little bit to find that her tendon was severed. We decided almost immediately to put her down because she was such an old horse and the stall rest would have really hurt her with her breathing problems. We got her back outside and to a relatively soft spot, and we gave her the shot.
After she got down, the vet checked the other leg and found that tendon was severed, too. I have absolutely no idea where she hurt herself, mom and I each walked the area twice and can't find anything. It looked almost like she had put her feet through a floor or something, which is completely impossible. With the amount of blood she had lost, it would have been difficult to save her regardless. Poor old girl. There was just so much blood everywhere.
I'm just very discouraged right now. This morning, fence all fixed, I put the horses out and they didn't stay in the fence a whole hour before they were out, and then when I went to put them back in the fence, Shay's dumb draft cross went through and tore down another section.
I'm just tired of not being able to do the horses justice. They need a stronger fencer. But we're getting a puppy instead. I don't even want to talk about that.
I am hoping that Roux comes home from visiting his parents in time to come with me to Bangor to pick up the puppy but it seems unlikely that he would want to be stuck in a vehicle for another six or seven hours after he's just made a trip that long the day before... if he even comes home today.
I keep, in my brain, imagining (or hoping, in some sick way?) that he's gone up there to get permission from his parents to date a non-Catholic girl. But you know, honestly, I feel so indifferent to just about everything right now, I don't even care, and I am not willing to bank on anything positive happening right now. I just want to load my horses up on the first trailer that shows up here, and not have to think about them anymore. I know it is my grief talking but all I can think about is all the blood.
RIP Old girl.
Yesterday, I poked my head out to check on the horses and they were in the back field. The fence looked like something had come through it from the outside, in. I went out to retrieve the horses, and brought Freckles and Jessie in... this left Ari and Bronwyn and Sable, our 25 year old retired broodmare. When I went back for my second round of pony wrangling, Sable was standing with her back to me and I could see that her fetlocks were covered in blood.
When I got a little closer, after she evaded me a bit, I saw that the entire front of her back legs were drenched in blood and she had a very significant cut on the front of each leg. I helped her to the barn, going slow and easy, and got the other two horses into the fence. I lugged her to the barn and then tried to set up the hose so I could rinse off the blood and see how bad the cuts were. I could not coax her back out of the barn and to the hose... we stood in the yard and she bled and bled while I called mom and dad, and the vet.
I didn't realize she was bleeding THAT much and the thought of stopping the blood somehow managed to be secondary to getting her hosed down, I don't know why, but when I looked back and saw how much blood was there in just the few minutes I had spent talking to mom and dad, I realized she needed to have some pressure put on them.
I got her inside, got some pads and polo wraps and wrapped her up as tight as possible, then put her in the back box stall all bedded up. The vet arrived about 45 minutes after we called for him and gave her a shot for the pain, then investigated the wound a little bit to find that her tendon was severed. We decided almost immediately to put her down because she was such an old horse and the stall rest would have really hurt her with her breathing problems. We got her back outside and to a relatively soft spot, and we gave her the shot.
After she got down, the vet checked the other leg and found that tendon was severed, too. I have absolutely no idea where she hurt herself, mom and I each walked the area twice and can't find anything. It looked almost like she had put her feet through a floor or something, which is completely impossible. With the amount of blood she had lost, it would have been difficult to save her regardless. Poor old girl. There was just so much blood everywhere.
I'm just very discouraged right now. This morning, fence all fixed, I put the horses out and they didn't stay in the fence a whole hour before they were out, and then when I went to put them back in the fence, Shay's dumb draft cross went through and tore down another section.
I'm just tired of not being able to do the horses justice. They need a stronger fencer. But we're getting a puppy instead. I don't even want to talk about that.
I am hoping that Roux comes home from visiting his parents in time to come with me to Bangor to pick up the puppy but it seems unlikely that he would want to be stuck in a vehicle for another six or seven hours after he's just made a trip that long the day before... if he even comes home today.
I keep, in my brain, imagining (or hoping, in some sick way?) that he's gone up there to get permission from his parents to date a non-Catholic girl. But you know, honestly, I feel so indifferent to just about everything right now, I don't even care, and I am not willing to bank on anything positive happening right now. I just want to load my horses up on the first trailer that shows up here, and not have to think about them anymore. I know it is my grief talking but all I can think about is all the blood.
RIP Old girl.
Monday, October 26, 2009
But you turn my hope into a weapon...
I completely forgot about last.fm - I used to listen to it all the time, back in the day, when I sat beside Alain... but last week, I tried to remember the address or even name of it and completely couldn't. This morning, it just came to me! I'm pretty sure I can't/don't want to bog my laptop down with iTunes and I never use my desktop anymore because it is slower than sin, so I need a music listening alternative and I can't seem to figure out how to listen to just streaming music and not streaming video on Yahoo! anymore.
Roux has gone off to the North shore to visit his parents. I am kind of jealous as I wanted to go up to visit my aunt and grandparents before the snow came because I love the ocean and when the snow gets there... then you're kind of SOL for ocean viewing. And, I also kind of miss Roux. Even though I probably wouldn't have called him or even seen him this weekend, and it has been a week since I've seen him. I feel silly for missing him. Oh well. I'm a silly girl. I guess I am going to appreciate him more now, though, slow moving and everything, due to some stuff that's happened this week. I don't mind his pace anymore.
I was to Tiff's last night... we ate pasta and tiramisu and drank liquor in honor of one year being away from her awful ex. D stayed awake as long as he could to party with us... it was cute. I tried French Kiss for the first time and was quite excited by that (yay, vanilla!) and decided I shall marry Dr McGillicuddy, since I am such a fan of Fireball, and now French Kiss. I wouldn't need anything else. :)
And now I have a wee bit of a headache.
And I should do some laundry. I might also watch Chocolat again, and The House Bunny... and take a nap.
And I'm listening to some as-yet-unheard-by-me Third Eye Blind thanks to Grooveshark!
Believe in me
And this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
But you turn my hope into a weapon
Palm Reader - Third Eye Blind
Roux has gone off to the North shore to visit his parents. I am kind of jealous as I wanted to go up to visit my aunt and grandparents before the snow came because I love the ocean and when the snow gets there... then you're kind of SOL for ocean viewing. And, I also kind of miss Roux. Even though I probably wouldn't have called him or even seen him this weekend, and it has been a week since I've seen him. I feel silly for missing him. Oh well. I'm a silly girl. I guess I am going to appreciate him more now, though, slow moving and everything, due to some stuff that's happened this week. I don't mind his pace anymore.
I was to Tiff's last night... we ate pasta and tiramisu and drank liquor in honor of one year being away from her awful ex. D stayed awake as long as he could to party with us... it was cute. I tried French Kiss for the first time and was quite excited by that (yay, vanilla!) and decided I shall marry Dr McGillicuddy, since I am such a fan of Fireball, and now French Kiss. I wouldn't need anything else. :)
And now I have a wee bit of a headache.
And I should do some laundry. I might also watch Chocolat again, and The House Bunny... and take a nap.
And I'm listening to some as-yet-unheard-by-me Third Eye Blind thanks to Grooveshark!
Believe in me
And this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
But you turn my hope into a weapon
Palm Reader - Third Eye Blind
Friday, October 23, 2009
Is it even a possibility?
woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
monday morning coming on fast
was hoping this august moon would last
whatever you tell me i wanna believe
is that even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you placed this promise at my feet
but i need something that i can keep
is it even a possibility
i remember looking at you
wondering if you even knew
so i closed my eyes and counted to ten
was hoping that you would kiss me then
kissing me
is it even a possibility
heart´s been stolen
eyes are swolen
all these words were never spoken
stomach sinking
wishful thinking
wish that you would phone
i wish these fears would disappear
so we could run away from here
is it even a possibility
woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you and me
is it even a possibility
mmm
is it even a possibility
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
monday morning coming on fast
was hoping this august moon would last
whatever you tell me i wanna believe
is that even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you placed this promise at my feet
but i need something that i can keep
is it even a possibility
i remember looking at you
wondering if you even knew
so i closed my eyes and counted to ten
was hoping that you would kiss me then
kissing me
is it even a possibility
heart´s been stolen
eyes are swolen
all these words were never spoken
stomach sinking
wishful thinking
wish that you would phone
i wish these fears would disappear
so we could run away from here
is it even a possibility
woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you and me
is it even a possibility
mmm
is it even a possibility
Monday, October 19, 2009
Like the red sea, you split me open...
I had a pretty much awesome day yesterday.
I started out a complete bundle of nerves. Roux texted me on Thursday asking if I was busy Sunday and if he could come around to the farm... I said of course he could stop by - coincidentally, I also had my friend Jill, from Scuffed Boots Photography coming to do a photoshoot on the farm, but I figured I could juggle the both and if not, cross that bridge when I got to it.
As soon as mom caught wind that Roux was coming over, she started envisioning a giant dinner, and inviting him to stay - but even though they cajoled me multiple times between Thursday and Sunday, I was totally not interested in asking him in advance to stay for supper - too much pressure... so dad said "You're staying for supper, aren't you?" at some point early during his visit (which started at 1:30 and ended at roughly 9:30) and so he said yes and had the rest of the day to stay with us, I guess.
We went for a drive into the woods in his truck, then walked out a little farther so he could see some property he was thinking about. He didn't like the East facing slope of the property but he was pretty excited about the brook in it - overall, I don't think he has the kind of money to spend on the property, but he did want to go on a drive around the block to see if there were any other properties for sale.
When we got back, we dinked around in the barn for a while until Jill got there and then he hung around, and even helped out a little with the shoot, then we all had dinner... then we sat around the kitchen table, talking for ages... and then he helped me with the night chores and gave me a chaste hug when he left (it took that long to get rid of dad :P Ugh.). My parents almost like him more than I do!
Either way, I am so stoked about the pictures that Jill took. They mark a real turn in myself, I think. I am looking at these pictures thinking "I am frigging beautiful." where a year ago, I don't think I could have. And like it or lump it, I think the big boost in confidence is mostly thanks to Roux. I have had a great summer getting to know him, going back and forth and trying to figure things out, frustrating as it was, has been a big boost to me - getting some interest in return... I found myself more often than not, driving to work thinking "Man, I look cute today." Or "You know, I am really quite pretty." - and I never did anything different necessarily, just started thinking differently about myself. And now, I really just want to print these pictures out and run all over creation with them waving them in people's faces and going "Look how pretty my horse and I are!!"
I started out a complete bundle of nerves. Roux texted me on Thursday asking if I was busy Sunday and if he could come around to the farm... I said of course he could stop by - coincidentally, I also had my friend Jill, from Scuffed Boots Photography coming to do a photoshoot on the farm, but I figured I could juggle the both and if not, cross that bridge when I got to it.
As soon as mom caught wind that Roux was coming over, she started envisioning a giant dinner, and inviting him to stay - but even though they cajoled me multiple times between Thursday and Sunday, I was totally not interested in asking him in advance to stay for supper - too much pressure... so dad said "You're staying for supper, aren't you?" at some point early during his visit (which started at 1:30 and ended at roughly 9:30) and so he said yes and had the rest of the day to stay with us, I guess.
We went for a drive into the woods in his truck, then walked out a little farther so he could see some property he was thinking about. He didn't like the East facing slope of the property but he was pretty excited about the brook in it - overall, I don't think he has the kind of money to spend on the property, but he did want to go on a drive around the block to see if there were any other properties for sale.
When we got back, we dinked around in the barn for a while until Jill got there and then he hung around, and even helped out a little with the shoot, then we all had dinner... then we sat around the kitchen table, talking for ages... and then he helped me with the night chores and gave me a chaste hug when he left (it took that long to get rid of dad :P Ugh.). My parents almost like him more than I do!
Either way, I am so stoked about the pictures that Jill took. They mark a real turn in myself, I think. I am looking at these pictures thinking "I am frigging beautiful." where a year ago, I don't think I could have. And like it or lump it, I think the big boost in confidence is mostly thanks to Roux. I have had a great summer getting to know him, going back and forth and trying to figure things out, frustrating as it was, has been a big boost to me - getting some interest in return... I found myself more often than not, driving to work thinking "Man, I look cute today." Or "You know, I am really quite pretty." - and I never did anything different necessarily, just started thinking differently about myself. And now, I really just want to print these pictures out and run all over creation with them waving them in people's faces and going "Look how pretty my horse and I are!!"
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bandaid
I am going to find out some answers soon. I don't think I will get the answers I want, and I should just be happy with what I have but I have to ruin things by needing to know.
I know exactly what he's going to say - he's not in a position in his life right now to get into anything romantic, he enjoys my friendship but that is all there is to it. But I need to know, just on the .00001 chance that it might be different than that.
I sabotage myself every time. Either way, he knows now I want to talk to him, as I mentioned it in passing yesterday when he was pulling on my skirt. I know it is going to freak him out to have this talk and he'll go running either way.
I know exactly what he's going to say - he's not in a position in his life right now to get into anything romantic, he enjoys my friendship but that is all there is to it. But I need to know, just on the .00001 chance that it might be different than that.
I sabotage myself every time. Either way, he knows now I want to talk to him, as I mentioned it in passing yesterday when he was pulling on my skirt. I know it is going to freak him out to have this talk and he'll go running either way.
Monday, October 5, 2009
...
I do not feel happy.
Nothing has happened. It is more the lack of things happening, and my realization of what that means. Plus an ominous missive to "not believe everything Roux says".
I want to call him and talk to him but I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to have "this" discussion over the phone. As of next Monday, our potential for daily or at least weekly interaction through work will be over, and I want to know where it goes from there. Not knowing makes me crazy.
And, he is 35 years old and has been this way for nearly 20 of those. Where do I get off thinking he will change?
This is a classic example of my mind going crazy when it has no facts to fill up its spare time.
Nothing has happened. It is more the lack of things happening, and my realization of what that means. Plus an ominous missive to "not believe everything Roux says".
I want to call him and talk to him but I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to have "this" discussion over the phone. As of next Monday, our potential for daily or at least weekly interaction through work will be over, and I want to know where it goes from there. Not knowing makes me crazy.
And, he is 35 years old and has been this way for nearly 20 of those. Where do I get off thinking he will change?
This is a classic example of my mind going crazy when it has no facts to fill up its spare time.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
You're delusional, you're delusional, boy you're wasting your time...
Ahhh... geeze.
Roux stopped by the restaurant Friday night. I was busy with customers and he was leaving the site for the evening and brought his truck down from the staff parking lot and parked near us and was out on the porch when I went out to sit with the girls having a smoke. They all insist he'd come to see me, and I honestly can't see why he was there if not, since he's not really FRIENDS with any of them, but I could have misinterpreted the whole thing. I could be misinterpreting everything that has happened since May. I might be delusional!
Anyways, he was quite concerned that I was not feeling well (I didn't give the old whiny "I'm siiiick..." he heard me talking and said "Oh, are you sick?"), but we were pretty limited on time and it wasn't exactly a perfect moment to be putting our heads together and having a good chat, which is sad... because I miss our good chats and on Monday, it will be TWO FRIGGING WEEKS since we've had one.
There is a lot of outside pressure to just give up on him because of his little flakeout on Monday, but I would hate to throw the baby away with the bathwater without at least talking to him and finding out where his brain is at. Honestly, girls seem to go on and on about how this is the 21st century and "don't settle for a guy that doesn't like you as much as you like him", and blah blah blah... but at the same time, I am an adult. I am not playing "the game" that everyone seems to be playing. I have a genuine interest in him and I am fairly sure that he has a genuine interest in me and I think there are things he needs to overcome and if those prove to be too much than I am willing to step back and back off if that is what he needs... much like this may be his "fatal character flaw", I have my own - the only difference being that mine will rear its ugly head a little later on, when things seem pretty secure.
I feel like both of us have invested a lot in the friendship already to just tell him to piss off for saying a couple of things he might not have known the implications of. Maybe he is genuinely busy for the next two weeks - he does have five horses and himself to house for winter and it is fast approaching.
I am making a chicken and beef stew right now. Not literally, but it's funny - I came to this conclusion when talking to Mac, our barkeep at work. When I am not happy, I am stewing. I am either making a beef stew - in which I am angry at someone else... or I am making a chicken stew in which I am angry at myself for not doing something I wanted myself to do. Right now, it's a good mixture. I am a little angry at Roux for not being clear and forward with me but I am also angry at myself for not being clear and forward with HIM. My Beefcken stew should be delicious.
Roux stopped by the restaurant Friday night. I was busy with customers and he was leaving the site for the evening and brought his truck down from the staff parking lot and parked near us and was out on the porch when I went out to sit with the girls having a smoke. They all insist he'd come to see me, and I honestly can't see why he was there if not, since he's not really FRIENDS with any of them, but I could have misinterpreted the whole thing. I could be misinterpreting everything that has happened since May. I might be delusional!
Anyways, he was quite concerned that I was not feeling well (I didn't give the old whiny "I'm siiiick..." he heard me talking and said "Oh, are you sick?"), but we were pretty limited on time and it wasn't exactly a perfect moment to be putting our heads together and having a good chat, which is sad... because I miss our good chats and on Monday, it will be TWO FRIGGING WEEKS since we've had one.
There is a lot of outside pressure to just give up on him because of his little flakeout on Monday, but I would hate to throw the baby away with the bathwater without at least talking to him and finding out where his brain is at. Honestly, girls seem to go on and on about how this is the 21st century and "don't settle for a guy that doesn't like you as much as you like him", and blah blah blah... but at the same time, I am an adult. I am not playing "the game" that everyone seems to be playing. I have a genuine interest in him and I am fairly sure that he has a genuine interest in me and I think there are things he needs to overcome and if those prove to be too much than I am willing to step back and back off if that is what he needs... much like this may be his "fatal character flaw", I have my own - the only difference being that mine will rear its ugly head a little later on, when things seem pretty secure.
I feel like both of us have invested a lot in the friendship already to just tell him to piss off for saying a couple of things he might not have known the implications of. Maybe he is genuinely busy for the next two weeks - he does have five horses and himself to house for winter and it is fast approaching.
I am making a chicken and beef stew right now. Not literally, but it's funny - I came to this conclusion when talking to Mac, our barkeep at work. When I am not happy, I am stewing. I am either making a beef stew - in which I am angry at someone else... or I am making a chicken stew in which I am angry at myself for not doing something I wanted myself to do. Right now, it's a good mixture. I am a little angry at Roux for not being clear and forward with me but I am also angry at myself for not being clear and forward with HIM. My Beefcken stew should be delicious.
Friday, October 2, 2009
We never change, do we? We never learn, do we? I wanna live life and always be true... I wanna live life and be good to you...
So Roux is still off doing his thing. M reported that she saw him by the restaurant and he smiled and waved and was his "normal cheerful self" - he wouldn't let that affect how he feels about the other girls in the restaurant anyways.
S gave me a really astute observation (or maybe it's just the one I like the best so that is why I am giving it so much cred) - "He likes you but he has something in his life to work out right now, I think." It's all good, either way. I knew from the beginning that he could be like this since he's been like this since he was 16. It's always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me... -Third Eye Blind
I went out the night before last to find that Rex had sliced his nose up pretty good on a random, unassuming nubbin in his stall. I could have killed him. I waffled back and forth about calling the vet for stitches, but it was afterhours by then and would have cost me around $300 and on a spot where he would be really likely to rub them out when they started to get itchy... I am just hoping that he doesn't heal TOO ugly. You don't ride their face, afterall, and it doesn't interfere with how nicely he moves, soooo. Right now I am hydrating it everyday to keep stuff out of it and putting an antiseptic/fly repellent on it. It's nice for our one on one time, even if I am hurting him when we have it. Mom tried to help me out last night but it really only agitated him more to have her trying to hold his head.
And then I am getting sick again... I have only been well for like a week, and now I am congested again, sore throat and a gross cough. I am pumping meds to me but I have to work a double shift tonight and then I have a 4H Leader's Conference tomorrow bright and early so we shall see if I ever recover... which reminds me that I need to get something for the potluck tomorrow! Hopefully I won't spread too many germies.
S gave me a really astute observation (or maybe it's just the one I like the best so that is why I am giving it so much cred) - "He likes you but he has something in his life to work out right now, I think." It's all good, either way. I knew from the beginning that he could be like this since he's been like this since he was 16. It's always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me... -Third Eye Blind
I went out the night before last to find that Rex had sliced his nose up pretty good on a random, unassuming nubbin in his stall. I could have killed him. I waffled back and forth about calling the vet for stitches, but it was afterhours by then and would have cost me around $300 and on a spot where he would be really likely to rub them out when they started to get itchy... I am just hoping that he doesn't heal TOO ugly. You don't ride their face, afterall, and it doesn't interfere with how nicely he moves, soooo. Right now I am hydrating it everyday to keep stuff out of it and putting an antiseptic/fly repellent on it. It's nice for our one on one time, even if I am hurting him when we have it. Mom tried to help me out last night but it really only agitated him more to have her trying to hold his head.
And then I am getting sick again... I have only been well for like a week, and now I am congested again, sore throat and a gross cough. I am pumping meds to me but I have to work a double shift tonight and then I have a 4H Leader's Conference tomorrow bright and early so we shall see if I ever recover... which reminds me that I need to get something for the potluck tomorrow! Hopefully I won't spread too many germies.
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