So I have been pretty much MIA for like a month now, sorry!
Things have been frustrating and crazy for the last little while. When I came home from Toronto, I went to a couple of job interviews... I got hired for a nanny job which lasted approximately a week before the kid decided that she was going to use me to make her parents miserable (it was absolutely nothing I was doing, she was just smart!) and so they let me go.
My EI came through so now I have SOME income, but not alot. I keep scouring the job ads but can't find anything that pays enough to warrant me running all over the place, especially where we only have one vehicle right now. I picked up a couple of shifts at the restaurant this weekend because we had specialty dinners, but... eh.
So I have been helping mom at her job where she sews baby slings, by packaging and getting all of the "extra" stuff for packaging ready to put on the products. I'm not really making any money at it (just helping mom make more in less time, it's piecework, and this way my EI money can be mine and whatever I make for her is going toward my rent, groceries, etc). It's tough to pay off all the bills I have on just the piddly bit I get from EI (a little less than $600 per month), but I'm working on it. If I can find work that is worthwhile and doesn't steal my soul, I will definitely go to work... but at the same time I am thinking of seeing if I can get EI to pay my school to go to NBCC and take Human Services and actually start working toward a career, instead of all these odd jobs. Kind of frustrating, this rut I am stuck in!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
That I could have sworn was you...
I went to a tiny bar last night called the Rear View Mirror with Wes & Michelle to check out some musicians/songwriters. We saw a neat little ensemble that Michelle described as "gifted, drunken children with instruments", a fellow with a piano (I think he needed to be a part of his jazz trio to be understood) and then saw a guy in a dark corner with a familiar smile and eyes, and a guitar, so I was completely won over.
I woke up this morning with some verse running in my head because he reminds me of someone I spent several years very close to, and in fact, loved very much.
(Be kind, this is my first poetry in YEARS!)
Untitled - January 9th
I was sitting in a small bar when you walked in,
or at least I could have sworn it was you -
you who I have not seen in a year or two.
Your shy eyes and open smile
made me take pause and stay a while.
Your strumming fingers -
or his, anyway,
made me linger
long after it might be appropriate to do so, but I did, and I do, and I knew,
the longer I sat there watching who I could have sworn was you -
you who I have not seen in a year or two,
the more I knew -
you would be in my dreams in a day or two.
And so you were -
found your way in right away,
let yourself in and sat for a spell,
sparking all kinds
of feelings I thought I had left behind.
The memories of late nights spent dancing and then watching those same shy eyes
open every bar or two to seek approval.
Agile fingers moving over frets and strings -
like it was the most natural of things.
Just like the most natural of things for me to do is remember you -
you who I have not seen in a year or two,
and remember that I forgot to fall in love with you.
I woke up this morning with some verse running in my head because he reminds me of someone I spent several years very close to, and in fact, loved very much.
(Be kind, this is my first poetry in YEARS!)
I was sitting in a small bar when you walked in,
or at least I could have sworn it was you -
you who I have not seen in a year or two.
Your shy eyes and open smile
made me take pause and stay a while.
Your strumming fingers -
or his, anyway,
made me linger
long after it might be appropriate to do so, but I did, and I do, and I knew,
the longer I sat there watching who I could have sworn was you -
you who I have not seen in a year or two,
the more I knew -
you would be in my dreams in a day or two.
And so you were -
found your way in right away,
let yourself in and sat for a spell,
sparking all kinds
of feelings I thought I had left behind.
The memories of late nights spent dancing and then watching those same shy eyes
open every bar or two to seek approval.
Agile fingers moving over frets and strings -
like it was the most natural of things.
Just like the most natural of things for me to do is remember you -
you who I have not seen in a year or two,
and remember that I forgot to fall in love with you.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
We are creep-magnets!
So I have been here in TO with S since Friday morning and we've been having a ton of fun... we've traipsed all over the city and seen and done and EATEN a lot (man, how can anyone live in this city and not eat out EVERY DAY?!).
I like the city and the area S lives in but don't think I could live in a city... too claustrophobic!
Anyways, one thing we have discovered is that between the two of us, we are huge magnets for creepies and weirdos. Saturday, in the subway station, we somehow got pulled into the crazy ranting of a lady who obviously was not in her right mind. We've tried to avoid eye contact but as S says, "You can't take the Maritimer out of the girl!". The lady at the subway was pretty harmless as there were lots of people around, but it isn't always so!
We traipsed to Cabbagetown today to go to the Riverdale farm (I think that's what it's called), mostly to stretch our legs, and because it's free and also so we could try out a streetcar and make my TTC pass pay off... we were the only people crazy enough to be tramping around a stinky barn in the cold, wet, icky weather we have today... or so we thought. We were coming up a path and a guy told us to be careful...
We thanked him for his concern, but then we were trapped, and man he talked about anything under the sun, and everything, too! He wanted to know if we were Canadian, and I kind of shirked him by telling him I didn't live in the area (I figured he was looking for a wife since he told us about the pottery class he takes at the farm that has "lots of Canadian women" in it)... then proceeded to (accidentally) throw S under the bus by saying she lived in the area and I was visiting her. Then he wanted to know if she was married, when she said no, he wanted to know about a boyfriend... she hesitated, so I said "Sort of", and I think he got the point. But before he left us, he complimented how long S's neck was (he kept telling us to look at things up on the cieling and at cobwebs and stuff). No one else was around, I was completely sure he was going to try and follow us home... and was trying to think of how I would have to be mean and tell him off if he didn't leave us alone.
Geeze louise, I think we just have signs above our heads "If you don't have anything appropriate to talk about, talk to us!". This city, I am telling you!
At the same time, though, I don't like that people's craziness is out on display of everyone. I don't think it's the crush of people that bothers me so about the city, I think it is the fact that all of your weaknesses are on vast display for everyone else.
I like the city and the area S lives in but don't think I could live in a city... too claustrophobic!
Anyways, one thing we have discovered is that between the two of us, we are huge magnets for creepies and weirdos. Saturday, in the subway station, we somehow got pulled into the crazy ranting of a lady who obviously was not in her right mind. We've tried to avoid eye contact but as S says, "You can't take the Maritimer out of the girl!". The lady at the subway was pretty harmless as there were lots of people around, but it isn't always so!
We traipsed to Cabbagetown today to go to the Riverdale farm (I think that's what it's called), mostly to stretch our legs, and because it's free and also so we could try out a streetcar and make my TTC pass pay off... we were the only people crazy enough to be tramping around a stinky barn in the cold, wet, icky weather we have today... or so we thought. We were coming up a path and a guy told us to be careful...
We thanked him for his concern, but then we were trapped, and man he talked about anything under the sun, and everything, too! He wanted to know if we were Canadian, and I kind of shirked him by telling him I didn't live in the area (I figured he was looking for a wife since he told us about the pottery class he takes at the farm that has "lots of Canadian women" in it)... then proceeded to (accidentally) throw S under the bus by saying she lived in the area and I was visiting her. Then he wanted to know if she was married, when she said no, he wanted to know about a boyfriend... she hesitated, so I said "Sort of", and I think he got the point. But before he left us, he complimented how long S's neck was (he kept telling us to look at things up on the cieling and at cobwebs and stuff). No one else was around, I was completely sure he was going to try and follow us home... and was trying to think of how I would have to be mean and tell him off if he didn't leave us alone.
Geeze louise, I think we just have signs above our heads "If you don't have anything appropriate to talk about, talk to us!". This city, I am telling you!
At the same time, though, I don't like that people's craziness is out on display of everyone. I don't think it's the crush of people that bothers me so about the city, I think it is the fact that all of your weaknesses are on vast display for everyone else.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Writing Prompt #1
Write a "silent scene" in your fiction. Create a powerful scene between two characters without using any dialogue.
Thanks to Writing.com.
----------
The silence between the two of them was palatable. James averted his eyes. It seemed too personal, almost too intimate - which was laughable, considering what they had shared so recently - for him to watch her cry like this. Her shoulders shook silently, her head down, her hands clasped in her lap as though she was offering some sort of silent prayer for relief.
James turned his head. It was not enough to avert his eyes. Uncomfortably, he wanted to leave. No, he wanted to rise, move to her side, comfort her, but he knew she would never allow it. It surprised him that she allowed herself this moment of vulnerability in front of him. She was determined to be in control at all times and this display was most definitely a lack of control.
When she looked up, her eyes were red, still pregnant with tears waiting to be shed. He wanted to brush the tracks off her cheeks. Something about her gaze kept the physical distance between them. Something had changed, in the brief moments since she'd put her head down to let out bits of her soul, and James couldn't put a finger on it. He pinched the bridge of his nose and watched her for a moment.
As though she'd had a complete change of heart, her shoulders straightened. Her chin drew up defiantly as he had seen it do hundreds of times before. Her eyes cleared quickly. A small sniffle was her only giveaway. With hardly a glance at James, she rose to her feet - elegance, beauty, poise and control, and swept from the room, leaving him alone as he had ever been.
----------
Okay - not good, but I'm getting into the swing. Next time will be better, I promise!
I spent about an hour back on No One Else last night, editing. I cut out around 400 words. To get rid of my targeted 30,000 words, I am going to have to do 75 hours worth! I actually think if I can get it into the 75,000-85,000 range, I should be safe, though. I'm so proud of myself for finally being able to go back to the book... this copy is so outdated that the character name changes I made weren't recorded! So it was still Contellio instead of Costa and Santino instead of Moretti. I looked after that right away... I am trying not to let myself remember how much work I had ahead on it before my jump drive died. If I do, it just gets unbearable.
Michelle tells me there is a Harlequin "factory" in TO and I want to visit it when I go. She said she wasn't working much so hopefully she will hang with us a little bit. :)
Thanks to Writing.com.
----------
The silence between the two of them was palatable. James averted his eyes. It seemed too personal, almost too intimate - which was laughable, considering what they had shared so recently - for him to watch her cry like this. Her shoulders shook silently, her head down, her hands clasped in her lap as though she was offering some sort of silent prayer for relief.
James turned his head. It was not enough to avert his eyes. Uncomfortably, he wanted to leave. No, he wanted to rise, move to her side, comfort her, but he knew she would never allow it. It surprised him that she allowed herself this moment of vulnerability in front of him. She was determined to be in control at all times and this display was most definitely a lack of control.
When she looked up, her eyes were red, still pregnant with tears waiting to be shed. He wanted to brush the tracks off her cheeks. Something about her gaze kept the physical distance between them. Something had changed, in the brief moments since she'd put her head down to let out bits of her soul, and James couldn't put a finger on it. He pinched the bridge of his nose and watched her for a moment.
As though she'd had a complete change of heart, her shoulders straightened. Her chin drew up defiantly as he had seen it do hundreds of times before. Her eyes cleared quickly. A small sniffle was her only giveaway. With hardly a glance at James, she rose to her feet - elegance, beauty, poise and control, and swept from the room, leaving him alone as he had ever been.
----------
Okay - not good, but I'm getting into the swing. Next time will be better, I promise!
I spent about an hour back on No One Else last night, editing. I cut out around 400 words. To get rid of my targeted 30,000 words, I am going to have to do 75 hours worth! I actually think if I can get it into the 75,000-85,000 range, I should be safe, though. I'm so proud of myself for finally being able to go back to the book... this copy is so outdated that the character name changes I made weren't recorded! So it was still Contellio instead of Costa and Santino instead of Moretti. I looked after that right away... I am trying not to let myself remember how much work I had ahead on it before my jump drive died. If I do, it just gets unbearable.
Michelle tells me there is a Harlequin "factory" in TO and I want to visit it when I go. She said she wasn't working much so hopefully she will hang with us a little bit. :)
Friday, December 26, 2008
Scream
Today was a generally quiet day... we went to a family potluck and saw some cousins we haven't seen in quite a long time... it was nice - though those things generally are only worth about an hour of conversation because you run out of "appropriate" things to talk to family about. Do I really want to discuss the sec scenes in my novel? Probably not.
That's something I have been thinking about lately... my first book... I am really feeling an inclination to go back and work up the editing that I have so desperately been putting off. I am hoping to do so in Toronto in the new Year when I am visiting S and M and W...
Also, mom bought me a cell phone for Christmas, which is nice because I have been meaning to get one all summer but never had the money up ahead. It's an LG Rumour, so... texty texty!
That's something I have been thinking about lately... my first book... I am really feeling an inclination to go back and work up the editing that I have so desperately been putting off. I am hoping to do so in Toronto in the new Year when I am visiting S and M and W...
Also, mom bought me a cell phone for Christmas, which is nice because I have been meaning to get one all summer but never had the money up ahead. It's an LG Rumour, so... texty texty!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
And so it is... just like you said it would be...
I am terribly depressed right now. I've just come in from the barn where I sat for probably twenty minutes crying my eyes out. I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's unnerving. I am considering asking mom and dad to return all of my Christmas presents and buy me time with a psychologist instead.
I'm also considering forgoing purchasing ANY presents for ANYONE because I don't feel like any of my family except my dad deserves anything, and spending it instead on getting horses' feet trimmed, like I have been trying to do for months. Instead, my money gets taken from me for other things and the important stuff doesn't get done.
I feel so helpless and angry and sad all at one time, and I hate it.
I've never been this depressed at Christmas time before in my entire life.
It's unnerving. I am considering asking mom and dad to return all of my Christmas presents and buy me time with a psychologist instead.
I'm also considering forgoing purchasing ANY presents for ANYONE because I don't feel like any of my family except my dad deserves anything, and spending it instead on getting horses' feet trimmed, like I have been trying to do for months. Instead, my money gets taken from me for other things and the important stuff doesn't get done.
I feel so helpless and angry and sad all at one time, and I hate it.
I've never been this depressed at Christmas time before in my entire life.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Trying to take ahold of my life again...
I have been discovering and deciding a lot of things about myself in the past week.
One thing is that I have NOTHING financially. I have to fight against my mother tooth and nail to have anything, but I have determined that I WILL start looking after myself. One thing that I have done is open a Money Master account and joined the "Bank The Rest" program with my online banking. The Money Master requires a $5 fee for you to withdraw money (which should be a good enough deterrant), I can deposit money from my regular chequing account into it for free, though. The Bank The Rest program rounds every debit card purchase I make up to the nearest dollar and deposits the "rest" into my MM account. This isn't going to get me terribly far anytime soon, but it should start to accumulate SOMETHING. I am just sick of not having ANYTHING. I've also been putting away about $20 everyday from my tips. That money is going with me to Toronto after Christmas, as spending money. Mom won't be happy that I'm squirreling things away, but it is time that I have something for MYSELF. I want to go back to school, have a career, someday buy a house, and I am 23, so if I don't get started on that stuff now, I never will.
Another thing I discovered is that I don't trust people easily. I have increasingly been having problems with ... well, unrelenting horniness, but I can't imagine myself ever being comfortable enough with someone to be intimate. Something I definitely need to work on.
I had already discovered that I overthink and analyze things to the point of self sabotaging.
Another couple of things I have realized are that none of the women in this house are mentally stable (myself included) and that I want to make a career out of horses. I am not happy with my station in life currently.
I'll take to improving those things promptly!
One thing is that I have NOTHING financially. I have to fight against my mother tooth and nail to have anything, but I have determined that I WILL start looking after myself. One thing that I have done is open a Money Master account and joined the "Bank The Rest" program with my online banking. The Money Master requires a $5 fee for you to withdraw money (which should be a good enough deterrant), I can deposit money from my regular chequing account into it for free, though. The Bank The Rest program rounds every debit card purchase I make up to the nearest dollar and deposits the "rest" into my MM account. This isn't going to get me terribly far anytime soon, but it should start to accumulate SOMETHING. I am just sick of not having ANYTHING. I've also been putting away about $20 everyday from my tips. That money is going with me to Toronto after Christmas, as spending money. Mom won't be happy that I'm squirreling things away, but it is time that I have something for MYSELF. I want to go back to school, have a career, someday buy a house, and I am 23, so if I don't get started on that stuff now, I never will.
Another thing I discovered is that I don't trust people easily. I have increasingly been having problems with ... well, unrelenting horniness, but I can't imagine myself ever being comfortable enough with someone to be intimate. Something I definitely need to work on.
I had already discovered that I overthink and analyze things to the point of self sabotaging.
Another couple of things I have realized are that none of the women in this house are mentally stable (myself included) and that I want to make a career out of horses. I am not happy with my station in life currently.
I'll take to improving those things promptly!
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