Auntie Amanda

So now I am a "real" auntie, and my brother and his wife have had their little boy. They said that they had chosen NOT to know the gender and the nurse told them it was awfully refreshing to find someone who didn't know. I spent the whole ride home trying to think of "unisex" colours in case I decide not to know the gender of my first baby (after the first one, it will just be boring so I will find out)...

And so baby fever is worse than ever before.

Cause I'm your baby...

I have discovered that visiting Tiffany, Jamie and Deacon and the happy little family they have has almost the same affect on me as riding Bronwyn.

Interesting observation!

I'm SO grumpy...

I have this problem where I get so mad and upset all I can do is cry and I have trouble breathing. Very serious issue.

After a stupid long day in which a couple showed up at 4:30 and DEMANDED food - even though our kitchen was closed - and I had to stay while they dawdled over their food for OVER AN HOUR, and I found out someone I know is getting an abortion, which is pretty much the most painful thing someone can do when I want to have a baby so bad right now (even though I'm not even *there* in life), and being a week, to the day, from the two year anniversary of Angel's death, and also possibly PMSing, I came home and all I wanted to do was ride Bronwyn and relax.

(That was a long sentence.)

I was also supposed to go to Tiffany's and have supper with them but I was so tired and stressed out and such... and also trying to plan a going away party for Salls, who will be going to Toronto for two years... which is the longest we've been apart in 16 years of friendship... it's a good thing that I didn't go to Tiffany's because I would have just cried all over her baby.

Anyways, I wanted to go ride B... but when I pulled her out of her stall, dad got all snarky about the paint mare I have in for training. (A la "fine, send her back. She won't get trained here anyway.") I got pissy and put Bronwyn back and got out the paint mare while he's screaming "NO! RIDE YOUR HORSE! DON'T YOU DARE WORK THIS HORSE!". I was just WAY too tired to deal with that mare's physical bullying and fight with her. I wasn't even going to *work* Bronwyn, I was just going to sit on her like a sack of potatoes and let the rocking motion of her walk ease all the stresses out of me. So I got out the paint mare and worked her and by the time I was done with her, there was not enough light left for me to ride Bronwyn and I came in the house disappointed and cried my guts out because I'm pretty stressed right now. The end.

Grow up, already!

Today, I think I got a sign from God.

This morning, I was chatting with Ja about going back to school... and he kept saying "don't 'maybe', just do it!" and stuff like that. I was supposed to be on a tour this morning but they decided to let me do a couple of public tables to keep up with business...

One of my first tables this morning was my favorite professor from my brief stint at STU. After three years, he still remembered me! He told me to call him if I needed anything because I had talked about going back. He was my intro to Lit prof and he was hilarious and supportive and nurturing.. I just wish his class hadn't been an evening one that I always had to go directly to work til 4:30am from.

So my brain started churning about what I can do... scholarships I might be eligible for... ways I can make this work... because I'm tired of what I'm doing, going around in circles. I am ready for my grown up life to get started and since it doesn't appear that I'm going to make any steps forward in the family scheme of that - marrying or having babies yet... I might as well make a move careerwise. And no one else is going to make that move for me... so I'd better get onto it.

I was trying to think of ways to do it and work as little possible. I know that if I could go to school and not have to bust my butt to keep an apartment or anything, I could have the kind of GPA that maintains scholarships... full ones, even! I have to make this happen.

Angel, what are you hiding from me?

I've been really really maternal feeling lately. Maybe it's because I've just finished reading Breaking Dawn, the last book in the Twilight series and it's completely focused around a baby (sorry about the spoiler!). Maybe it's because A at work is pregnant, Tiffany has a gorgeous baby that I am compelled to try and spend as much time as possible with, or because of the really cute little blonde baby I had in my restaurant yesterday. Maybe it's because I ran into a guy from highschool that I used to adore...

Though that running-into was rather disappointing. He spotted me and I had the overwhelming urge to run away. Luckily, he only waved and didn't come to talk to me...

I feel stupid because I used to be such a social person and this particular guy, I enjoyed spending time with so much. He was pretty much my favorite person in the world... we just made each other happy... and now I can't even muster up the courage to TALK to him? What is wrong with me? I used to turn around and chat up random people in line at concerts but lately I feel really antisocial... like I've had some kind of social regression.

Work is going alright. I had a big run in with K when I ran right into him telling the boss "This isn't working. Amanda refuses to bus her tables." - which - I was busy, running my arse off... so it wasn't that I refused, just that I hadn't gotten to them yet. I have noticed that he is mysteriously absent whenever we need help doing little things like putting tables together or wrestling with a 20L bag of milk to put in the dispenser... he can dink around pretty much a whole day but if you're not as fast as him doing ONE thing, he's very critical. Anyways, I am sure he didn't count on me walking in on him complaining about me and he steered pretty clear away from me the next day and hasn't been scheduled to work since. I was SO ANGRY that a fifty year old man would go to the boss immediately when he had a problem instead of speaking to me about something and giving me a chance to fix it. INFURITATED me... if he had spoken to me again that same day, I probably would have gone all Greg Despres on him and lopped his head off.

Other than that, work has been alright. I am getting tired of working though! Why can't we all just be independently wealthy?

My dad will be thrilled that this week, I have some semblance of a plan for being social - a staff party Tuesday, a dinner party with the Fab Five this week sometime, and then hopefully a trip out to see Tiffany, Jamie and Deacon.

Grumpypants

I hate when one person in our kitchen is grumpy, because it makes everything awkward. The days when everyone is grumpy don't bother me as much because then we can all just be grumpy on our own terms and that is enough.

This morning, Jon climbed into S's dress while we weren't looking. I asked him to hold on until I could run and grab my camera out of my van and when I came back, Blake had climbed into my dress (which was big enough to fit a couple of him in it! It hangs off of ME nevermind skinny thinny Blake!), and they had stuffed the fronts of their shirts with something to make it look like boobs. Probably the best pictures ever... but I haven't had the time/energy to get them off my camera.

Also super excited to go whalewatching this weekend with the "Fab Five". :) Eee!

Noticing you noticing me...

Today, I wasn't thrilled by some conversation going on at work. I can listen to as much sailor talk as the next person (and I do, at this job), but when people start to get ignorant and intolerant, it bothers me.

There was some discussion going on about a homosexual couple that were using a surrogate mother to acquire a child for them to raise. I think that's fine - homosexual couples are as entitled to being parents as most heterosexual couples (and I secretly think a lot of them would make better parents than most heterosexual couples!). Someone commented that "the child wouldn't have a chance at a normal life" and if it was a boy "he would have no choice but to grow up gay"... GAH! I wanted to tear my hair out. I said something that shocked everyone there -- "I don't care if a child's parents are a man and woman, two women, two men, a cat and a dog - as long as that child is being loved and cared for, it doesn't matter to me at all!". Then I commented that I don't believe that gay is always a choice.

One of the women involved in the conversation is quite religious - but she is the sweetest woman. Her son is very effeminate, and knowing him and with the "gaydar" I have developed over the years, I would not be surprised if he came out. I don't speculate this kind of thing in regular conversation because what difference does it make? I also make it a rule to believe that someone is heterosexual as long as they maintain that front until they tell me or prove otherwise.

I think her opinion will change if her son comes out. I, too, had those same sorts of feelings when I was heavily involved in the church (though not intolerant, I was not for gay marriage, believed it was a choice, etc)... when I got out into what I like to call "the real world", lived, worked and played with some homosexuals, my tune really changed. They stop being a label or a "sexuality" and they become a real living, breathing, compassionate, loving person who will do anything for you. Then you have no choice but to change your tune - because seeing some of the heartache and struggles that I did, I know none of my sensitive, softhearted friends would honestly CHOOSE this path for themselves if they knew they could avoid all the hardships they were experiencing by choosing another path. Sure, some folks may choose to be homosexual, but I do believe in some people, it's hardwired in in advance, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think people don't like to agree with that theory because "what if my son grows up to be gay - that means I genetically caused that problem because they were born that way!". People don't understand that gay is not wrong. It's not a disease. It's not any more of a sin than lying, cheating or stealing - according to the Bible, all sins are equal. I believe in and appreciate a higher power - a God, a creator... but I don't agree with many involved in the churches who believe that gays and lesbians are second class citizens.

Anyways, GAH!

Then I had two mares in heat that I was working last night that each had my number. I have an old pinto mare in here called "Paint" that is in for training - just the basic stuff. The catch is that she's 10 years old and often when they're that old, left that long, and with an "unknown" background, someone, somewhere has completely ruined them by trying to train them. I don't very often see horses with the saddle on the first time that don't buck a little bit, but she was going crazy, AND she was coming right for me everytime she started. She had my number. I'm not scared off yet, but I am definitely wary that someone took this little mare out and hurt her bad. She is sweet to handle on the ground, not a nasty bone in her body without a saddle on - lets you put your hands all over her, but when the saddle was cinched up, that was an entirely different story.

Then Bronwyn tried to buck me off. She was being, for lack of better words, a little shit, and I had to stop her a couple of times and cool myself off because I was getting pretty pissy. I have to go back and examine why she's bucking, but my guess is not saddle fit or chiro pain -- I do think she's being naughty and that is the whole of it.