I'm like the ringleader - I call the shots...

Not so much, haha!

I don't have anything interesting to write except dayblogging, really... but since I don't have a big readership to please with my witty and snarky commentary, I don't frigging care!

I forgot to mention that on Thursday, we went to the SPCA to see a dog. Shay has decided she would like to train, board and groom dogs when she "grows up", so collectively, we have agreed it would be a good idea for her to have a "business card" dog -- and she wants a border collie. After changing her mind eighty five million times about where she would like to get a dog, she wanted to check out the rescued dogs at the SPCA, and since, conveniently, there was a border collie on their site for adoption, stopping by seemed like a good idea.

We nipped up there and they let us take her into the adoption room and play with her a little bit. She was sweet (overweight though!), and engaged in tug play with Shay which was something that she really liked. Brave and had the potential to be very athletic, however, she showed serious signs of dog reactivity/aggressiveness which is just not a problem that Shay wants to deal with right now. So she's gone back to her notion of buying a puppy from a breeder - which I think is a good idea anyways. She is constantly lamenting about her GSD that she got as an older, more difficult to train dog, and I really think that any older dog she gets herself into is going to have their own set of problems.

Anyways, dogs aside, I have been battling a really sore shoulder for about a week now. I am pretty sure I tore or pulled something along the top muscle by my neck and now my entire shoulder area (right down around my shoulder blade) hurts - I assume it is compensating for the weakness in that muscle and protecting it. Feels fine to just hold upright but any extension of it really hurts. Might have to see a doctor about that one!

And as for my personal ad. *sigh* I don't know what it is about me that seems to attract a much older set - maybe because I am so serious? Anyways, lots of responses from "much older" men that I am not really interested (even a 48 year old!). I think I have decided (well, I thought of it this morning in the shower) that my limit is going to be 10 years. Particularly for an older man who has been single for some time, there are some expectations of the early relationship that I just know I am not going to be able to fulfill - particularly sexual. It seems more "expected" and an assumption than something that one would have to work for, and that's just not the way I roll. I want to be appreciated and courted rather than sexualized and have expectations placed on me. Maybe I am old fashioned.

I'm just not comfortable with my own naked body, I can't imagine being comfortable with someone else and my naked body all in one room. I'll need to be coaxed, I think... and many just aren't going to be willing to do that.

Busy!

Again, I say - I don't know how I ever found the time to work!

The last couple of days have been sleep deprived and generally busy. Stayed up too late Tuesday night then went in for my bi-weekly long-day-from-hell in which I go in to the sewing shop with mom early in the morning and help her package product and turn slings til 5, then drop her off at work and boot it out to the Ridge for 4H, then find a way to kill 4 hours until mom is done her second job.

So, I did just that yesterday. I was going to see "Fired Up" because it started at 9 and seemed like an appropriate way to kill a little time, but Shay insisted that I wasn't allowed because she wants to see it in theatres - even though we always say "I want to see that in theatres!" and never see even half the movies we say that about. Anyways, I digress...

So I sat around the mall, texting, being creepy watching people, remembering how much I hate teenagers, and feeling like puking over all these young, in love couples. I also saw the most beautiful man ever, and he also smelled like the most delicious thing ever. We made eye contact, and then he walked on by. He was dressed kind of like a gangster, and I know that gangsters are really giant toddlers in gang colours, so I probably wouldn't date one anyways, but it was nice to see (and smell!).

Then today, Shay had Ortho, mom had Opto, and I had to be dragged along. I think we went to every store under the sun (or at least every shopping centre in Fredericton), trapising all over. I even sat in the mall killing time again. This time, instead of being filled with happy couples, it was filled with babies and young, adorable children, and mothers carrying babies in slings. I informed mom that in 6 months, I am going to go get pregnant and she said "have fun".

So... *looks around innocently*

Then finally got home this evening and just zonked - checked my emails for the first time in two days, and now I want to take a nap. The end.

Grrrr @ me!

Oh I don't even know why I bother! I think I am meant to be a nun. A dirty minded nun, perhaps, but a nun nonetheless.

So even though I don't feel that it's fair to ask someone to participate in a relationship with someone who is unemployed (again, this is one of those things that is just me and how I feel), because I don't want anyone to ever have ammunition to say I am a moocher or anything like that. Besides, I am not financially fit for a serious relationship, nor am I really, mentally I don't think.

But then I think to myself - if I am not ready now, when will I ever be? And also, WHY am I not ready? I guess I am feeling really dependent right now. It's like all I can do is bitch and moan about being single but when the possibility of something presents itself, I freak out.

I think it's because I have been using the internet as an avenue. I use it because I don't get out enough to really meet someone. I guess it's like I feel pressured by using the internet. Everyone knows why everyone else is there - there is no coy flirting, attraction, trying to figure out if he's taken or not, etc etc. Everyone is there for a reason and everyone knows what that reason is.

The only reason I am complaining about this is because I stupidly decided to post a personal on Kijiji... I guess I was thinking it would go unnoticed like my profiles on Plentyoffish and OkCupid - get a couple of views... maybe a response here and there... but no, I have gotten almost 200 views and 6 emails in the 14 hours it has been up. Lots of men with children, one guy with a motel room that wanted a quickie, but still...

UGH! STOP THINKING AMANDA. JUST DO SOMETHING!

On a couple of side notes, I have this massive knot in my shoulder that I can't seem to get rid of. I got it throwing hay yesterday. I had to wade through drifts up to my hips to get to the barnto feed my horses today! Also, I made baked apples and they were delicious and the house still smells like cinnamon. YUM.

Rage Machine

I am pretty sure it is PMS induced, but I want to kill everything today. I got mad at one of the horses for not drinking. I ran around the barn screaming my head off because the horses wouldn't go straight out the door.

I hung up on mom twice because she called me from her cell where there was little reception and kept driving. I think that is my biggest pet peeve in the world! When you have poor reception but can make a connection, PULL THE DARN CAR OVER. GRRRRR. Especially the second time the connection fuzzes out!

Then of course the computer needed a reboot.

I am in a wild rage. Handcuff me!

Funny things to note...

4-6 taller Asian men needed for practical joke, if you own a ninja suite, or something that could resemble ninja attire, it would be a bonus, all that is required of you is to sit in starbuck dressed up, and drink some coffee, maybe have a conversation, and then leave. Coffee will be supplied by myself, if you think you are good at drinking coffee discreetly, then this might be the job for you. please e-mail me for furter information.

Found on Kijiji. I replied "I am not currently an Asian man but have always wanted to be one. Could I be involved in this?" and clicked "send" but Shay made me stop it. I don't know if it sent or not!

Also, Shay just informed me that she has always wanted to cough the opening to "Eye Of The Tiger", but she always runs out of air. :-D

Orange Julius... mmmmm.

So today has more or less been a giant bust. I got up early-ish but hardly did a blessed thing.

We've just gotten a HUGE dump of snow and the farm is really windy - we have a lot more drifts than straight snow... I had to dig a hole through a wall 3ft high of snow in front of the door I put the horses out to pasture through... I milked... I came in and did my Walk Away The Pounds video..

I think this is my fourth or fifth day doing it, but holy cow was I ever sore! I haven't been that sore doing it all along, but today man... my hips hurt, I was TIRED... I was really sweating and heaving by the end of my mile, which I hadn't done previously. I don't know if it's because the house was warmer today than it usually is or what, but geeze! Even Shay commented that I was sweating and I "didn't do that the other times" (I did but not that much). Maybe my body is just finally starting to feel it?

All I can say is it's a darn good thing that I didn't go ahead and do 2 miles today (I briefly considered it but nixed the idea when I couldn't find the DVD remote to switch from 1 Mile to 2 Mile), because I wouldn't be alive anymore!

Overall, though, I REALLY like the video and can see myself doing it long term. I can't wait to be able to say I can do 3 miles in one go. If someone had ever told me I could walk 1 mile at the pace I walk it with this video, I would have laughed!

I also made myself orange julius tonight and drank waaaaay too much because it's delicious.

Simple Math

I posted about this on my SparkPeople blog, but I thought if I post it here, too, I might be held accountable for it by the lovely Tiffany. I never realized just how stressful the unemployment thing is for me, but it basically sent me underground re: the eating healthy and exercising thing. I really hate not having work because it makes me feel devalued -- I know other people don't feel that way and I don't feel that way about other people who are unemployed, but for me, that's how it works.

I also crave the structure of a day to day grind. Of course I want a job that is varied and interesting, but leaving the house at the same time every day, getting home at the same time every day, having the same amount of money in my bank account every two weeks - those are the things I thrive on. I have all this extra time now that I am not employed and it's easy for the computer to suck 4-6 (OR MORE) hours out of me per day. I don't think I'll ever again reach the high school quota I held during grades 9-11: 8-10 hours every SCHOOL DAY. Lack of sleep, lack of motivation, major depression - escaping to my little internet empire I had built for myself with friends, and lots and lots of drama. I might, however, do 8-10 hours on the weekend days... meep!

Anyways, this is some simple math I came up with last night on my SparkPeople blog. I still have to work on getting the sleeping right - if I stay up too late, I still wake up early in the morning, whether my body is ready for it or not.

I was thinking today that I need to do some simple math in order for this all to work.

I DESERVE an hour a day to "improve" myself physically.

I DESERVE 30 minutes a day to "improve" myself emotionally via meditation or journaling.

I DESERVE the extra maybe 30 minutes on top of regular prep time to prepare myself healthier food.

That's TWO HOURS out of 24. Minus EIGHT for my required sleep. I'm still giving over half of my day to someone/something else!

So I have been doing a Leslie Sansome (sp?) Walk Away The Pounds 15 minute mile for three days now (almost missed last night but got off my butt @ 11pm to do it anyways!)... I would ride but the weather is quite ick today, so I may do that and pilates today. I love the 15 minute mile - and I hate working out, generally, but it goes by really quickly, and it's EASY. It's not a constant burning like I feel when I am doing work on gym equipment. I don't need ANYTHING, and it's the "For Abs" version so while I don't have the resistence belt, I use my 5lb dumbells and REALLY feel the burn in my arms. I honestly feel like I am getting more toned up already.

I am shopping for rowing machines now, lol! I honestly don't know, though, it's a piece of equipment I am unfamiliar with and I don't want to drop $200 on something that, in all likelihood, will come home and I will just abandon. I don't want to try one at a gym because I know they'll have like the $1200 version and I will be disappointed in buying something lesser. I want one but I don't want to have the same thing happen to it that happened to my Tony Little Gazelle Crosstrainer -- I got it home a couple of years ago and used it semi religiously for a while, then completely abandoned it. I would say, in the last calendar year, I have used it a grand total of 5 times. Anyone want to borrow or buy it?!

Anyways, have to go milk and then I think I am off to do slave labor @ LS for mom for a while. 40 slings in a couple of hours, hopefully, because the roads are going to get gross supposedly.

Update on the book 'n stuff...

Imagine that - two entries in one day!

For those that are curious, and for posterity, I guess, since most aren't curious, I am re-editing my book. I went to an editing workshop a week or so after I came home from Toronto and got really inspired. I have been so busy in and out of the house (I can't imagine how I ever had time to work a full time job!) that I haven't been doing much editing but for a while, I was doing 10 pages per day, with the aim to be finished, once and for all, by the end of the month.

I am going to cram everything in and make myself be finished by the 10th of March. At that point, I'm going to try going back to the agents and seeing what is said now.

I have, however, found a problem. While browsing Harlequin's top sellers list, I realized there is a book called The Moretti Heir - about a young, Italian, womanizing heir to a fortune... my book is about a young, Italian, womanizing heir to the family "business" whose last name is ALSO Moretti. I am debating about changing it now or waiting to see if an agent or publisher would have me change it. Afterall, there is more than one book about people with the last name "Smith"!

I'm still alive, I promise!

So I have been pretty much MIA for like a month now, sorry!

Things have been frustrating and crazy for the last little while. When I came home from Toronto, I went to a couple of job interviews... I got hired for a nanny job which lasted approximately a week before the kid decided that she was going to use me to make her parents miserable (it was absolutely nothing I was doing, she was just smart!) and so they let me go.

My EI came through so now I have SOME income, but not alot. I keep scouring the job ads but can't find anything that pays enough to warrant me running all over the place, especially where we only have one vehicle right now. I picked up a couple of shifts at the restaurant this weekend because we had specialty dinners, but... eh.

So I have been helping mom at her job where she sews baby slings, by packaging and getting all of the "extra" stuff for packaging ready to put on the products. I'm not really making any money at it (just helping mom make more in less time, it's piecework, and this way my EI money can be mine and whatever I make for her is going toward my rent, groceries, etc). It's tough to pay off all the bills I have on just the piddly bit I get from EI (a little less than $600 per month), but I'm working on it. If I can find work that is worthwhile and doesn't steal my soul, I will definitely go to work... but at the same time I am thinking of seeing if I can get EI to pay my school to go to NBCC and take Human Services and actually start working toward a career, instead of all these odd jobs. Kind of frustrating, this rut I am stuck in!