Grrrr @ me!

Oh I don't even know why I bother! I think I am meant to be a nun. A dirty minded nun, perhaps, but a nun nonetheless.

So even though I don't feel that it's fair to ask someone to participate in a relationship with someone who is unemployed (again, this is one of those things that is just me and how I feel), because I don't want anyone to ever have ammunition to say I am a moocher or anything like that. Besides, I am not financially fit for a serious relationship, nor am I really, mentally I don't think.

But then I think to myself - if I am not ready now, when will I ever be? And also, WHY am I not ready? I guess I am feeling really dependent right now. It's like all I can do is bitch and moan about being single but when the possibility of something presents itself, I freak out.

I think it's because I have been using the internet as an avenue. I use it because I don't get out enough to really meet someone. I guess it's like I feel pressured by using the internet. Everyone knows why everyone else is there - there is no coy flirting, attraction, trying to figure out if he's taken or not, etc etc. Everyone is there for a reason and everyone knows what that reason is.

The only reason I am complaining about this is because I stupidly decided to post a personal on Kijiji... I guess I was thinking it would go unnoticed like my profiles on Plentyoffish and OkCupid - get a couple of views... maybe a response here and there... but no, I have gotten almost 200 views and 6 emails in the 14 hours it has been up. Lots of men with children, one guy with a motel room that wanted a quickie, but still...

UGH! STOP THINKING AMANDA. JUST DO SOMETHING!

On a couple of side notes, I have this massive knot in my shoulder that I can't seem to get rid of. I got it throwing hay yesterday. I had to wade through drifts up to my hips to get to the barnto feed my horses today! Also, I made baked apples and they were delicious and the house still smells like cinnamon. YUM.