Keep it cool!

I had a couple of adventures today... well, one occured last night but was technically "today" since it was after midnight!

I went to visit Tiffany and D (even though D is always asleep when I come at late o'clock) and lost track of time until it was almost 1am. The van needs new tires DESPERATELY and we have had a slow leak in the front driver's side tire... I pumped it up before I left Nackawic, but then on Maple Ridge, felt the definitely buzz/hum of a clear flat. Pulled over, tried to pump it up to no avail. I don't have any minutes on my cell, just text, so I had to text Tiff and get her to call my parents at 1:15am (!!) and wake them up and have them come and get me because I was stranded. She said dad sounded mad but he was overall not too angry. He never once had to come and pick me up drunk or in trouble anywhere during my childhood so he really can't complain when things happen that aren't my fault. In fact, he blamed HIMSELF for it. The tire had a weird bump in it and it must have just let go, I didn't hit a pothole or anything to make it go down, so that's what I figure. Have to locate some new tires tomorrow morning!

First thing, I got up and kicked horses out then dad got me and we went to change the tire on the van and bring it home. I wasn't home for too long when I looked out and Bronwyn and Ari had climbed out of the fence somehow (I know how, they lean on it and the posts fall over because the ground is all loamy right now because of all the water!). Rex was in their stalls, and the goats were in his because their pen was being cleaned out so I went to help finish cleaning out the goat pen before we could bring them in and when I looked out again, Jessie had busted the fence too, and they had taken off through the orchard and up the hill toward the road at breakneck speed. Freckles, too stupid to walk five feet up the fenceline and step over the destroyed fence, was going ABSOLUTELY NUTS. Racing around the pasture SCREAMING. Usually she is in on any jailbreaks. Sable also was still in the pasture chilling out near the pony/llama/alpaca/goat pen, didn't care that everyone else was gone - bless the old girl.

I took a bucket of grain out to shake and call for them but they thought they could hear green grass growing so they hung out up there while I tried to stop Freckles from ripping down the rest of the fence. Finally, dad brought me her halter and I led her back to the barn, but not before she tried to jerk my arm out of it's socket. SOMEONE is getting a lesson on LIFE shortly!

THEN I walked up the hill to get to Jessie, B and Ari... when Ari saw me, she trotted over all cute and lovely, took some grain, and then trotted around the pasture... then Bronwyn came over and did the same thing. All proud, I'm thinking "those're my girls!"... then they took off down the hill without me (even though I had brought a halter and leadrope!). Just wanted me to get some exercise, I guess! I was leagues behind them when I finally got down but they went into the barn alright.

Later on in the afternoon, I went out to try some of Monty Roberts' "join up" method with Bronwyn (works or not, it's good to spend time with her!), and before I even got to B, noticed that my pet sheep, LO (short for "Little One"), had a really cute, slimy black lamb beside her (!!). Ran to the house and got mom and we got LO2 up and going, nursing. She is jet black all over, except for a few tiny white hairs on the very top of her head. I am still deciding if we will call her LO2 (because she is literally the smallest lamb I have ever seen, even smaller than LO herself was!) or Retsina. Still thinking!

I played at the join up game with Bronwyn for a little while, but was unsuccessful in getting exactly what I wanted out of her. I didn't expect to get it right away, and I'm not completely sold on the method either (something about predatory aggression toward a prey animal to make it trust you just seems so wrong to me)... but it was neat to see her dropping her head and chewing and licking, signs of submission - though she certainly didn't do it for long periods. She trusts me fundamentally, but when it comes down to complete and utter trust, I don't think I will ever win that one over. I trust her, I respect her, and she does the same for me but she just isn't "in love" with me the same way I am in love with her, I guess! I thought about taking her for a ride but I free longed her for so long trying to get her to join up when I turned my back that she had worked up a sweat. If nothing else, she will get fit in the process of all this stuff.

I really should ride her tomorrow, though, because I started a "Biggest Loser" thing against Tiffany, Valerie and Chris... I have been eating alright lately, but I want to get better and better! :) I can't wait until vegetable gardens are ready for harvest... love fresh produce from the garden! Also gotta work hard on getting my water into me and my sleep, so I won't be up for very much longer! (Yeah, right!)

I guess I missed my mark, but my fingers get the sparks at the thought of them touching you when you're wounded...

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday to discuss several issues that have been building up over several years bothering me. I am pretty much scared witless of it... I know she's going to say lose weight, but it's all of the other things she might say... "... trouble concieving..." "... hormonal imbalance..." "... skin cancer..." "... brain tumour..." "... surgery..." "... diabetes..." "... PCOS..." - I'm really not a hypochondriac and I haven't looked up any of these things, but she is either going to pin me with one of the above... or she's going to completely ignore all of these things that have been bothering me and robbing me of my self confidence and any feelings of self worth.

I don't know which I am more afraid of.

I had a sex scene from my novel read aloud today and realized how stereotypical it sounds. I can't let myself rewrite much more of it. I just keep putting in work and putting in work. It's not like it ever would have been a NYT best seller anyways... just a nice little startup book, it only needs to make me about 5k in royalties and then I could go to school and get started on real life. Not exactly a get rich quick scheme but the only way I can concieve of getting the money I need to go to school.

That is pretty much all. Not very interesting.

Oh yeah, except... I found my first wrinkle - it is vertical between my eyes where I always furrow my brow... "perma furrow" is right, Denis!

And I also dreamt last night that I had 13 babies and I was going to give them all away or sell them so I didn't name them.

A good day but a bad day...

Today kind of stank... I woke up in the wee hours shivering my hiney off... I ate a Whopper Jr with no mayo (which defeats the purpose of the Whopper, without mayo, it is JUST A HAMBURGER!!)... I drove all over creation... I bought a sponge for $1.50.

Let me tell you, it is a sad sad world when you get paid... and then all you can afford to buy is a sponge for $1.50... but you're so excited about the sponge... even though it smells like fish and is too big even for your man hands.

But my mom bought a mannequin and her name is Reva. She doesn't have a head and her legs were amputated after a horrible grain combine accident but I will be picking her up from the United States next week. Apparantly, she will be my friend.

My brain has fallen out of the side of my head. I am running solely on instinctual actions at this point in time.

YAY SEX WORKSHOP TOMORROW.

If I could bottle my hopes in a storebought scent / They'd be nutmeg peach and they'd pay the rent...

I keep getting a whiff of a dish someone left up here this evening that had the first strawberry shortcake of the season. It's making my stomach rumble.

It seems my life is lived by iconic moments and memories replaying themselves one after the other and I never get anywhere new. I've always known I was someone who lived on memories. I can't be credited for anything new that happens in my life, it's always prompted by outsiders. I guess if I had my way and could be happy, I would replay the last 10 years of my life over and over again.

It's just easier like that.

(Naproxen makes me introspective!)

Farther from you every day...

The night before last, I had this awful sense of foreboding... I couldn't tell if it was a black mood coming on or what. This morning, I woke up and realized that it was my Auntie Flo coming for a visit! Yeehaw! The only good bit about this is that I will have this all out of the way before May when I have to be sitting in cold, busy stalls at tradefairs, shivering my bottom off!

Or perhaps the sense of foreboding was about my novel. I realized this morning that I have been finished this book for about a year now (I remember I had just finished writing it when I got hired at the restaurant), and I still haven't gotten it published - heck, I haven't finished editing it, even! I am still working through it but at this point, I am not sure I am doing the story any good. It might do to just let it be after I finish reading through it and start trying to get it published. I may approach Harlequin, even though I really didn't want to do that at all. I want Avon to publish it more than anything, but beggars can't be choosers, I hear. That is, if it is even good enough to be published.

This self loathing is nothing new. I have been feeling it on and off for the last six months or so. The writer's group really helps - I bring them a couple of pages and get positive feedback and it bolsters my confidence for a week or two. I just hate to think that I have wasted TWO YEARS of my life writing this book that is never going to do anything for ME. I did the story the courtesy of writing it down and it can't even bloody well get published?! Pishaw is what I say!

I had gone into a reading mode because I honestly thought that would help the self loathing. I slashed and burned my way through three books (of varying quality, all romances), and I'm still not sure how I feel on the other end of that. Usually, reading helps me to get excited about my story and my characters and it did for a brief period of time during which I was too busy to get back to my writing. I think I am so close to it now, I can't see the forest for the trees anymore.

I just have to push through another hundred pages or so and then I am home free - the book can do what it wants with itself. It's just really hating on me right now. It's like every time I open my laptop, it is pushing me away, telling me to leave it alone, and I'm getting resentful. "Maybe you're not good enough for me to be wasting my time on, anyways, book, if you're going to be that way!"

Yes, I am getting crazy.

Last night, we had a truckload of hay arrive just as the rain started really pouring down - it had been misty and drizzly all day but the downpour really started just as I saw the headlights of the diesel swing down our driveway. It was nearly dark and we were scrambling to get the night chores finished up (or started, as it were!)... out of square hay and waiting for this load of roundbales which we would have to move with the tractor.

I love the rain when I am inside the barn. The comforting, consistent patter of rain on the tin roof reminds me of my childhood. It is something that has never changed during my entire life, while many other aspects of our farm have. No longer do we have soft, fuzzy foal muzzles every spring. No longer do we spend hot days under trees trying to catch some shade at a show. No longer do we have pigs or calves or chickens or foxes. The nature of our business on the farm has changed, but rain on the tin roof has remained the same, thankfully.

I was soaked by the time dad had tried to wade into the pasture but gotten stuck and dropped his bale, then came back for another to push to the barn so we could strip it to feed the lifestock. The rain drizzled across my brow and into my eyes, soaked my hair, ran up my pantlegs to my knees. We've had so much rain over the last few days. The ground is soaking it up, or appears to be until you put your feet on it and the mud tries to suck your boots off. I wouldn't trade feeding stock in the rain for anything, though.

When you come inside during a rain like this, your pants are so wet they are struggling to stay up and when you toe off your boots, you might as well just let your pants go with them anyways, because that's what they want, and you have to walk through the house in your underwear, strip your slimy sweater off, and grab a towel to wring the water from your hair. It's an iconic series of actions, tried and true through my entire life, and I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

Feeling faint and exhausted...

So I spent yesterday from about 12-11:30pm running... served 40 people, ran the cash by myself (only $.48 off and it was OVER, so score!).. staggered home...

I usually need about a half a day to recover from a night function, but I was up again at 5:30 this morning, running Shay to meet her drive to 4H provincial public speaking, and then to Fredericton to the spring holstein show where our 4H club was running a canteen as a fundraiser.

It was a good laugh, but I spent the entire day stationed at the right hand of a BBQ that was constantly blowing smoke in my face, under the hot sun. Now I have a sunburn and burny eyes and feel a little ill (maybe exposure?). Had a nap for a couple of hours but it's just not cutting it... gonna have to crawl back in there now and hope tomorrow is a better day.

On a more serious note...

I am still stewing over Plenty Of Fish.

It seems I can't stop myself, even though I know realistically, I am never going to find a man on that website, ever. I will do much better meeting someone in person and going through all of the rigamarole involved that way.

But ANYWAYS, something I thought I should say, because it's my blog and I can.

Even though I consider myself a "Christian", I really don't think I could date other Christians. I am WAY too open minded... I have strong opinions on things like... HUMAN RIGHTS. I sent a message to a guy on POF whose profile said he was a Christian and "one of the most interesting people you'll meet", which I thought meant he was probably a rather open minded one, so let 'er rip with a message about my beliefs and that kind of thing, and he sent back a message telling me that many of the things I spoke about are directly spoken AGAINST in the Bible and we would be "unevenly yoked" in a relationship (even though it was so not relationship aimed). Anyways, he had a stupid maltese or something for a dog so he probably wasn't worth getting to know anyways. Stupid froo-froo dogs!

With that said, it makes me think about the things I hold true...

I don't think that our God would have US deny people basic human rights (gay marriage), and according to the Bible, no sin is greater than the other (except maybe blasphemy or denial of the existence of God until the day of your death?) - so churches who shun gays and lesbians and divorcees but not people who tell lies or steal or covet their neighbour's wives are actually being really hypocritical. I also don't think that a God who would go through so much trouble to make us in His image and pay attention to every little detail of our life is going to turn us away from the gates of Heaven because we didn't go to church every Sunday.

I believe that different denominations are MAN's interpretation of the Bible and nothing else, and so therefore, you can't say "This is the one TRUE way" and believe all other denominations will rot in hell. I don't believe you have to go to church every Sunday and speak in tongues and jump through several flaming hoops backwards in order to get into Heaven. I think the most important things in life are to love others, love yourself, have a healthy respect if not "relationship" with a Creator, and be NICE, overall. I don't think it is our place to judge, or shun, or turn people out because of choices they have made or things that have happened to them. I REALLY don't think that is what God intended for us to have as a role.

If we are to help others who have "sinned", judging them sure isn't the way to do it. Support, and prayer (if you believe in that) are the best ways to help someone.

I also believe that if someone is doing something that makes them happy and it's not illegal and not hurting ME (maybe with the exception of worshipping Satan), what right do I have to tell someone they can't do it? Maybe riding horses is offensive to someone - but it doesn't hurt them, and it's not illegal, and it makes me really happy - I would be mortified if someone tried to tell me I CAN'T do that or I CAN'T be their friend anymore... nor would I ever say the same to someone else.

I've come to the conclusion that Christian men see things only in black and white and are afraid to question the things they read in the Bible... they are afraid to really think about their faith because then they start to come across doubts and doubts mean you're not a good Christian, right? I really think God gave us the ability to think and process so that we COULD make up our own minds. I don't think we're meant to just follow everything we read (remembering that it is just SOME MAN's interpretation of the Bible) and are told by figures of authority in the church without questioning it or thinking about it or making it our own. We were given free choice for a reason.

Plenty Of Duds

I hate online dating! I hate it, hate it, hate it! However, it's really my only route for meeting men until I am able to get off the farm more frequently.

There is nothing more self deprecating than checking your sent messages and seeing that someone has read and deleted, without a second thought, an email you have sent them! Especially when it wasn't romantically inclined.

GRRRRRR.

I hate being busy, too... because I never can write anything worthwhile in this damn blog.

Sugar, we're going down swinging!

I have felt pretty good the last few days because I feel like I am getting some stuff accomplished! Of course, I haven't been able to cross EVERY thing off of my "To Do" list every day, but I am slowly working away at the stuff that has needed to be done for WEEKS now.

I am working away at mom's Happy Horse Designs Website and such. I got Jill to change the logo to read "Designs" (we decided that it would be easier to call the ENTIRE business "Happy Horse Designs" (it was originally "Happy Horse Hoods" as you can see!) instead of naming her show clothing line something completely different. I bought the domain for happyhorsedesigns.com and then I got the redirect done. See? I'm being useful!

I am also trying to set myself up for two to four hours of "office" work per day... which means, stuff related entirely to mom's business. I have gained some really good ideas about promotional stuff and garnering dealers and that sort of thing and I am actually quite excited, really. I think we are going in an interesting direction and if we take things seriously, by this time next year, I might get to be a full time employee, rather than someone who just busts their butt for nothing (hey, I'm not doing anything else of value and we can just call it payment on my "rent" that I am not paying in dolla dolla bills, yo.). We're looking into different resources. :)

Anyways, I am doing really well making myself do stuff. I'm proud. :) I still find, though, there are simply not enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done.

I got my rehire package from work yesterday. Just have to fill that out and return stuff by tomorrow so they can bring me on back. We are doing prep for our Easter brunch tomorrow, then Saturday, I am hanging out with the F5-1 (Fab Five Minus One (which is Salls!)), then Sunday serving the brunch.

Tonight, I am babysitting Ava, which sure gets my baby itch scratched! See, whenever I get wanting a baby really badly, I just go watch her. :) It... "satisfies" me for a while. This doesn't really work when I go visit Tiff 'n D, though, because he's a really good baby and I keep thinking "I would have a cute little snuggly body to cuddle if I had a baby!", not "I could never sit down and watch a full 1/2 hour tv show if I had a baby!" or "I would never get a full night's sleep if I had a baby!" or "I could never do ANYTHING while my baby is napping if I had a baby, for fear of waking it up!", or any number of the realities of having a baby.

I went with Tiff to Holly's baby shower on Sunday, which was nice. Tiff did a great job planning it - there was lots of food and I had fun and I loved her activity (and I am not upset that I didn't get to design a onesie! I am sure that little Hero won't even notice there wasn't one from me!). Overall, really really great time. :)

Well, sad fact is that I have to get to my "office hours" now, so I will be signing off!