Roux texted me last night on his own accord... which is not something he often does. It only took him 48 hours after my trip to Bangor to make contact and see if I even made it out alive, yannow? The girls at work told me I'm not allowed to text him back, ever. I figure if I wait until tonight, that will just get my point across. Obviously, I have more thought and effort invested in it and I want to stop that because it's only hurting me. And if I text him back right away and revert right back to the sad, desperation I've had over the last little while, I am just going to be a hypocrite because that's what I gave my friend grief for. So, resolve. Check.
One thing I had thought about and wanted to say in this blog because it's been running around in my head is about the Amish type people ("Christian brotherhood", live very similar to the Amish) that I have been dealing with this past week. They are friends of Roux's and had a puppy that he had bought from us but gave to them when he went longhaul trucking. After an accident earlier this summer with some farming equipment, they wanted another dog and so when we got Rhyme, we got them a good deal on another pup in the litter. I was out there to their place twice.
I love the property. I love the idea of working the land. I even think I could live that way (which is ironic because that's how Roux would love to live but I don't want to live with HIM that way anymore, THAT foolish idea is out of my head). I would mourn some things, like hot showers and the internet, but I think in the long run, I would enjoy it. It is kind of the essence of me that I try to accommodate as frequently as possible but which is not often possible due to the rat race of life. They have 10 kids.
I went out there Wednesday afternoon before going to pick the pups up in Bangor so I could pick up their money to deposit and send to the woman who sent the puppies. I never thought of it but I was wearing makeup and dressed pretty snazzy. I wonder what they see when they looked at me? Was it garish and leering? Or was it the same way they would see anything else? The kids were so excited about the puppy, I doubt they were thinking about it at all!
The next night when I brought the puppy back to them, all the kids met us outdoors in their bare feet at nearly 9pm. They were so excited... and these people are so GOOD. I enjoy spending time with them, they really project this aura of goodness and honesty and wholesomeness that even some of the best "good" people I have met in my day to day don't project. I rarely find that ANYONE I meet in my day to day life projects quite that much anyways.
We have a fencer on loan today and a new fencer on the way to zap the bajeesus out of the horses... I am excited. :)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
I try to be happy because I have a puppy...
My life feels really strange in general right now.
For the first time, ever, my best friend of 20 years and I may not be best friends anymore? She's been dangerously involved with a man she knows very little about for the last few months and it took a turn for very serious about a week ago, and she knows I disapprove. Finally, when she insisted she knew what she was doing was stupid, I let 'er rip and gave her a piece of my mind about the whole thing - without being too nasty - but I sure did tell her that I think she's going down a slippery slope and that "breaking up" with him for only TWO DAYS because there was a gross show of disrespect on his part and then getting back together with him only showed him one thing and that was that when she says "no", she doesn't mean it. I just hope she doesn't get hurt too badly. Her sister is keeping tabs on her for me because I haven't heard from her in two days since I sent her the email.
I've also completely given up on Roux. I wanted him to go with me to Bangor Wednesday night and asked him about a week in advance about it. He sounded amiable to the idea. Wednesday morning rolls around and he can't go with me (this was about the time that shit hit the fan with the aforementioned best friend, or maybe it was Tuesday night?)... because he needs to fix the heater in his truck but he said it "would have been fun" - when I expressed that I really had wanted him to come so I didn't get lost, he asked when I was leaving and I said it was okay, I would googlemap it. Though I told him I was worried about getting lost, I still haven't heard from him, so he doesn't even know if I made it back alive or not.
I am just tired of hanging around on a line for him. I was sure, back in August that we were building up to something but it has taken so long to come that I am just tired of it all. Like, I literally want to sleep instead of think about it. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me by now. He would make time. He would put off fixing his truck for a day or two. So now if he decides he wants to be with me later, it might be too late. Now I just need to find someone to move on to.
In the meantime, mom's new puppy loves me, which is kind of awesome because I didn't want her to get the puppy in the first place but I am secretly glad to have her even though it is hard to type with a puppy on your lap!
For the first time, ever, my best friend of 20 years and I may not be best friends anymore? She's been dangerously involved with a man she knows very little about for the last few months and it took a turn for very serious about a week ago, and she knows I disapprove. Finally, when she insisted she knew what she was doing was stupid, I let 'er rip and gave her a piece of my mind about the whole thing - without being too nasty - but I sure did tell her that I think she's going down a slippery slope and that "breaking up" with him for only TWO DAYS because there was a gross show of disrespect on his part and then getting back together with him only showed him one thing and that was that when she says "no", she doesn't mean it. I just hope she doesn't get hurt too badly. Her sister is keeping tabs on her for me because I haven't heard from her in two days since I sent her the email.
I've also completely given up on Roux. I wanted him to go with me to Bangor Wednesday night and asked him about a week in advance about it. He sounded amiable to the idea. Wednesday morning rolls around and he can't go with me (this was about the time that shit hit the fan with the aforementioned best friend, or maybe it was Tuesday night?)... because he needs to fix the heater in his truck but he said it "would have been fun" - when I expressed that I really had wanted him to come so I didn't get lost, he asked when I was leaving and I said it was okay, I would googlemap it. Though I told him I was worried about getting lost, I still haven't heard from him, so he doesn't even know if I made it back alive or not.
I am just tired of hanging around on a line for him. I was sure, back in August that we were building up to something but it has taken so long to come that I am just tired of it all. Like, I literally want to sleep instead of think about it. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me by now. He would make time. He would put off fixing his truck for a day or two. So now if he decides he wants to be with me later, it might be too late. Now I just need to find someone to move on to.
In the meantime, mom's new puppy loves me, which is kind of awesome because I didn't want her to get the puppy in the first place but I am secretly glad to have her even though it is hard to type with a puppy on your lap!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
But it's so good to believe...
I am feeling pretty down right now.
Yesterday, I poked my head out to check on the horses and they were in the back field. The fence looked like something had come through it from the outside, in. I went out to retrieve the horses, and brought Freckles and Jessie in... this left Ari and Bronwyn and Sable, our 25 year old retired broodmare. When I went back for my second round of pony wrangling, Sable was standing with her back to me and I could see that her fetlocks were covered in blood.
When I got a little closer, after she evaded me a bit, I saw that the entire front of her back legs were drenched in blood and she had a very significant cut on the front of each leg. I helped her to the barn, going slow and easy, and got the other two horses into the fence. I lugged her to the barn and then tried to set up the hose so I could rinse off the blood and see how bad the cuts were. I could not coax her back out of the barn and to the hose... we stood in the yard and she bled and bled while I called mom and dad, and the vet.
I didn't realize she was bleeding THAT much and the thought of stopping the blood somehow managed to be secondary to getting her hosed down, I don't know why, but when I looked back and saw how much blood was there in just the few minutes I had spent talking to mom and dad, I realized she needed to have some pressure put on them.
I got her inside, got some pads and polo wraps and wrapped her up as tight as possible, then put her in the back box stall all bedded up. The vet arrived about 45 minutes after we called for him and gave her a shot for the pain, then investigated the wound a little bit to find that her tendon was severed. We decided almost immediately to put her down because she was such an old horse and the stall rest would have really hurt her with her breathing problems. We got her back outside and to a relatively soft spot, and we gave her the shot.
After she got down, the vet checked the other leg and found that tendon was severed, too. I have absolutely no idea where she hurt herself, mom and I each walked the area twice and can't find anything. It looked almost like she had put her feet through a floor or something, which is completely impossible. With the amount of blood she had lost, it would have been difficult to save her regardless. Poor old girl. There was just so much blood everywhere.
I'm just very discouraged right now. This morning, fence all fixed, I put the horses out and they didn't stay in the fence a whole hour before they were out, and then when I went to put them back in the fence, Shay's dumb draft cross went through and tore down another section.
I'm just tired of not being able to do the horses justice. They need a stronger fencer. But we're getting a puppy instead. I don't even want to talk about that.
I am hoping that Roux comes home from visiting his parents in time to come with me to Bangor to pick up the puppy but it seems unlikely that he would want to be stuck in a vehicle for another six or seven hours after he's just made a trip that long the day before... if he even comes home today.
I keep, in my brain, imagining (or hoping, in some sick way?) that he's gone up there to get permission from his parents to date a non-Catholic girl. But you know, honestly, I feel so indifferent to just about everything right now, I don't even care, and I am not willing to bank on anything positive happening right now. I just want to load my horses up on the first trailer that shows up here, and not have to think about them anymore. I know it is my grief talking but all I can think about is all the blood.
RIP Old girl.
Yesterday, I poked my head out to check on the horses and they were in the back field. The fence looked like something had come through it from the outside, in. I went out to retrieve the horses, and brought Freckles and Jessie in... this left Ari and Bronwyn and Sable, our 25 year old retired broodmare. When I went back for my second round of pony wrangling, Sable was standing with her back to me and I could see that her fetlocks were covered in blood.
When I got a little closer, after she evaded me a bit, I saw that the entire front of her back legs were drenched in blood and she had a very significant cut on the front of each leg. I helped her to the barn, going slow and easy, and got the other two horses into the fence. I lugged her to the barn and then tried to set up the hose so I could rinse off the blood and see how bad the cuts were. I could not coax her back out of the barn and to the hose... we stood in the yard and she bled and bled while I called mom and dad, and the vet.
I didn't realize she was bleeding THAT much and the thought of stopping the blood somehow managed to be secondary to getting her hosed down, I don't know why, but when I looked back and saw how much blood was there in just the few minutes I had spent talking to mom and dad, I realized she needed to have some pressure put on them.
I got her inside, got some pads and polo wraps and wrapped her up as tight as possible, then put her in the back box stall all bedded up. The vet arrived about 45 minutes after we called for him and gave her a shot for the pain, then investigated the wound a little bit to find that her tendon was severed. We decided almost immediately to put her down because she was such an old horse and the stall rest would have really hurt her with her breathing problems. We got her back outside and to a relatively soft spot, and we gave her the shot.
After she got down, the vet checked the other leg and found that tendon was severed, too. I have absolutely no idea where she hurt herself, mom and I each walked the area twice and can't find anything. It looked almost like she had put her feet through a floor or something, which is completely impossible. With the amount of blood she had lost, it would have been difficult to save her regardless. Poor old girl. There was just so much blood everywhere.
I'm just very discouraged right now. This morning, fence all fixed, I put the horses out and they didn't stay in the fence a whole hour before they were out, and then when I went to put them back in the fence, Shay's dumb draft cross went through and tore down another section.
I'm just tired of not being able to do the horses justice. They need a stronger fencer. But we're getting a puppy instead. I don't even want to talk about that.
I am hoping that Roux comes home from visiting his parents in time to come with me to Bangor to pick up the puppy but it seems unlikely that he would want to be stuck in a vehicle for another six or seven hours after he's just made a trip that long the day before... if he even comes home today.
I keep, in my brain, imagining (or hoping, in some sick way?) that he's gone up there to get permission from his parents to date a non-Catholic girl. But you know, honestly, I feel so indifferent to just about everything right now, I don't even care, and I am not willing to bank on anything positive happening right now. I just want to load my horses up on the first trailer that shows up here, and not have to think about them anymore. I know it is my grief talking but all I can think about is all the blood.
RIP Old girl.
Monday, October 26, 2009
But you turn my hope into a weapon...
I completely forgot about last.fm - I used to listen to it all the time, back in the day, when I sat beside Alain... but last week, I tried to remember the address or even name of it and completely couldn't. This morning, it just came to me! I'm pretty sure I can't/don't want to bog my laptop down with iTunes and I never use my desktop anymore because it is slower than sin, so I need a music listening alternative and I can't seem to figure out how to listen to just streaming music and not streaming video on Yahoo! anymore.
Roux has gone off to the North shore to visit his parents. I am kind of jealous as I wanted to go up to visit my aunt and grandparents before the snow came because I love the ocean and when the snow gets there... then you're kind of SOL for ocean viewing. And, I also kind of miss Roux. Even though I probably wouldn't have called him or even seen him this weekend, and it has been a week since I've seen him. I feel silly for missing him. Oh well. I'm a silly girl. I guess I am going to appreciate him more now, though, slow moving and everything, due to some stuff that's happened this week. I don't mind his pace anymore.
I was to Tiff's last night... we ate pasta and tiramisu and drank liquor in honor of one year being away from her awful ex. D stayed awake as long as he could to party with us... it was cute. I tried French Kiss for the first time and was quite excited by that (yay, vanilla!) and decided I shall marry Dr McGillicuddy, since I am such a fan of Fireball, and now French Kiss. I wouldn't need anything else. :)
And now I have a wee bit of a headache.
And I should do some laundry. I might also watch Chocolat again, and The House Bunny... and take a nap.
And I'm listening to some as-yet-unheard-by-me Third Eye Blind thanks to Grooveshark!
Believe in me
And this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
But you turn my hope into a weapon
Palm Reader - Third Eye Blind
Roux has gone off to the North shore to visit his parents. I am kind of jealous as I wanted to go up to visit my aunt and grandparents before the snow came because I love the ocean and when the snow gets there... then you're kind of SOL for ocean viewing. And, I also kind of miss Roux. Even though I probably wouldn't have called him or even seen him this weekend, and it has been a week since I've seen him. I feel silly for missing him. Oh well. I'm a silly girl. I guess I am going to appreciate him more now, though, slow moving and everything, due to some stuff that's happened this week. I don't mind his pace anymore.
I was to Tiff's last night... we ate pasta and tiramisu and drank liquor in honor of one year being away from her awful ex. D stayed awake as long as he could to party with us... it was cute. I tried French Kiss for the first time and was quite excited by that (yay, vanilla!) and decided I shall marry Dr McGillicuddy, since I am such a fan of Fireball, and now French Kiss. I wouldn't need anything else. :)
And now I have a wee bit of a headache.
And I should do some laundry. I might also watch Chocolat again, and The House Bunny... and take a nap.
And I'm listening to some as-yet-unheard-by-me Third Eye Blind thanks to Grooveshark!
Believe in me
And this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
But you turn my hope into a weapon
Palm Reader - Third Eye Blind
Friday, October 23, 2009
Is it even a possibility?
woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
monday morning coming on fast
was hoping this august moon would last
whatever you tell me i wanna believe
is that even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you placed this promise at my feet
but i need something that i can keep
is it even a possibility
i remember looking at you
wondering if you even knew
so i closed my eyes and counted to ten
was hoping that you would kiss me then
kissing me
is it even a possibility
heart´s been stolen
eyes are swolen
all these words were never spoken
stomach sinking
wishful thinking
wish that you would phone
i wish these fears would disappear
so we could run away from here
is it even a possibility
woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you and me
is it even a possibility
mmm
is it even a possibility
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
monday morning coming on fast
was hoping this august moon would last
whatever you tell me i wanna believe
is that even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you placed this promise at my feet
but i need something that i can keep
is it even a possibility
i remember looking at you
wondering if you even knew
so i closed my eyes and counted to ten
was hoping that you would kiss me then
kissing me
is it even a possibility
heart´s been stolen
eyes are swolen
all these words were never spoken
stomach sinking
wishful thinking
wish that you would phone
i wish these fears would disappear
so we could run away from here
is it even a possibility
woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you and me
is it even a possibility
mmm
is it even a possibility
Monday, October 19, 2009
Like the red sea, you split me open...
I had a pretty much awesome day yesterday.
I started out a complete bundle of nerves. Roux texted me on Thursday asking if I was busy Sunday and if he could come around to the farm... I said of course he could stop by - coincidentally, I also had my friend Jill, from Scuffed Boots Photography coming to do a photoshoot on the farm, but I figured I could juggle the both and if not, cross that bridge when I got to it.
As soon as mom caught wind that Roux was coming over, she started envisioning a giant dinner, and inviting him to stay - but even though they cajoled me multiple times between Thursday and Sunday, I was totally not interested in asking him in advance to stay for supper - too much pressure... so dad said "You're staying for supper, aren't you?" at some point early during his visit (which started at 1:30 and ended at roughly 9:30) and so he said yes and had the rest of the day to stay with us, I guess.
We went for a drive into the woods in his truck, then walked out a little farther so he could see some property he was thinking about. He didn't like the East facing slope of the property but he was pretty excited about the brook in it - overall, I don't think he has the kind of money to spend on the property, but he did want to go on a drive around the block to see if there were any other properties for sale.
When we got back, we dinked around in the barn for a while until Jill got there and then he hung around, and even helped out a little with the shoot, then we all had dinner... then we sat around the kitchen table, talking for ages... and then he helped me with the night chores and gave me a chaste hug when he left (it took that long to get rid of dad :P Ugh.). My parents almost like him more than I do!
Either way, I am so stoked about the pictures that Jill took. They mark a real turn in myself, I think. I am looking at these pictures thinking "I am frigging beautiful." where a year ago, I don't think I could have. And like it or lump it, I think the big boost in confidence is mostly thanks to Roux. I have had a great summer getting to know him, going back and forth and trying to figure things out, frustrating as it was, has been a big boost to me - getting some interest in return... I found myself more often than not, driving to work thinking "Man, I look cute today." Or "You know, I am really quite pretty." - and I never did anything different necessarily, just started thinking differently about myself. And now, I really just want to print these pictures out and run all over creation with them waving them in people's faces and going "Look how pretty my horse and I are!!"
I started out a complete bundle of nerves. Roux texted me on Thursday asking if I was busy Sunday and if he could come around to the farm... I said of course he could stop by - coincidentally, I also had my friend Jill, from Scuffed Boots Photography coming to do a photoshoot on the farm, but I figured I could juggle the both and if not, cross that bridge when I got to it.
As soon as mom caught wind that Roux was coming over, she started envisioning a giant dinner, and inviting him to stay - but even though they cajoled me multiple times between Thursday and Sunday, I was totally not interested in asking him in advance to stay for supper - too much pressure... so dad said "You're staying for supper, aren't you?" at some point early during his visit (which started at 1:30 and ended at roughly 9:30) and so he said yes and had the rest of the day to stay with us, I guess.
We went for a drive into the woods in his truck, then walked out a little farther so he could see some property he was thinking about. He didn't like the East facing slope of the property but he was pretty excited about the brook in it - overall, I don't think he has the kind of money to spend on the property, but he did want to go on a drive around the block to see if there were any other properties for sale.
When we got back, we dinked around in the barn for a while until Jill got there and then he hung around, and even helped out a little with the shoot, then we all had dinner... then we sat around the kitchen table, talking for ages... and then he helped me with the night chores and gave me a chaste hug when he left (it took that long to get rid of dad :P Ugh.). My parents almost like him more than I do!
Either way, I am so stoked about the pictures that Jill took. They mark a real turn in myself, I think. I am looking at these pictures thinking "I am frigging beautiful." where a year ago, I don't think I could have. And like it or lump it, I think the big boost in confidence is mostly thanks to Roux. I have had a great summer getting to know him, going back and forth and trying to figure things out, frustrating as it was, has been a big boost to me - getting some interest in return... I found myself more often than not, driving to work thinking "Man, I look cute today." Or "You know, I am really quite pretty." - and I never did anything different necessarily, just started thinking differently about myself. And now, I really just want to print these pictures out and run all over creation with them waving them in people's faces and going "Look how pretty my horse and I are!!"
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bandaid
I am going to find out some answers soon. I don't think I will get the answers I want, and I should just be happy with what I have but I have to ruin things by needing to know.
I know exactly what he's going to say - he's not in a position in his life right now to get into anything romantic, he enjoys my friendship but that is all there is to it. But I need to know, just on the .00001 chance that it might be different than that.
I sabotage myself every time. Either way, he knows now I want to talk to him, as I mentioned it in passing yesterday when he was pulling on my skirt. I know it is going to freak him out to have this talk and he'll go running either way.
I know exactly what he's going to say - he's not in a position in his life right now to get into anything romantic, he enjoys my friendship but that is all there is to it. But I need to know, just on the .00001 chance that it might be different than that.
I sabotage myself every time. Either way, he knows now I want to talk to him, as I mentioned it in passing yesterday when he was pulling on my skirt. I know it is going to freak him out to have this talk and he'll go running either way.
Monday, October 5, 2009
...
I do not feel happy.
Nothing has happened. It is more the lack of things happening, and my realization of what that means. Plus an ominous missive to "not believe everything Roux says".
I want to call him and talk to him but I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to have "this" discussion over the phone. As of next Monday, our potential for daily or at least weekly interaction through work will be over, and I want to know where it goes from there. Not knowing makes me crazy.
And, he is 35 years old and has been this way for nearly 20 of those. Where do I get off thinking he will change?
This is a classic example of my mind going crazy when it has no facts to fill up its spare time.
Nothing has happened. It is more the lack of things happening, and my realization of what that means. Plus an ominous missive to "not believe everything Roux says".
I want to call him and talk to him but I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to have "this" discussion over the phone. As of next Monday, our potential for daily or at least weekly interaction through work will be over, and I want to know where it goes from there. Not knowing makes me crazy.
And, he is 35 years old and has been this way for nearly 20 of those. Where do I get off thinking he will change?
This is a classic example of my mind going crazy when it has no facts to fill up its spare time.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
You're delusional, you're delusional, boy you're wasting your time...
Ahhh... geeze.
Roux stopped by the restaurant Friday night. I was busy with customers and he was leaving the site for the evening and brought his truck down from the staff parking lot and parked near us and was out on the porch when I went out to sit with the girls having a smoke. They all insist he'd come to see me, and I honestly can't see why he was there if not, since he's not really FRIENDS with any of them, but I could have misinterpreted the whole thing. I could be misinterpreting everything that has happened since May. I might be delusional!
Anyways, he was quite concerned that I was not feeling well (I didn't give the old whiny "I'm siiiick..." he heard me talking and said "Oh, are you sick?"), but we were pretty limited on time and it wasn't exactly a perfect moment to be putting our heads together and having a good chat, which is sad... because I miss our good chats and on Monday, it will be TWO FRIGGING WEEKS since we've had one.
There is a lot of outside pressure to just give up on him because of his little flakeout on Monday, but I would hate to throw the baby away with the bathwater without at least talking to him and finding out where his brain is at. Honestly, girls seem to go on and on about how this is the 21st century and "don't settle for a guy that doesn't like you as much as you like him", and blah blah blah... but at the same time, I am an adult. I am not playing "the game" that everyone seems to be playing. I have a genuine interest in him and I am fairly sure that he has a genuine interest in me and I think there are things he needs to overcome and if those prove to be too much than I am willing to step back and back off if that is what he needs... much like this may be his "fatal character flaw", I have my own - the only difference being that mine will rear its ugly head a little later on, when things seem pretty secure.
I feel like both of us have invested a lot in the friendship already to just tell him to piss off for saying a couple of things he might not have known the implications of. Maybe he is genuinely busy for the next two weeks - he does have five horses and himself to house for winter and it is fast approaching.
I am making a chicken and beef stew right now. Not literally, but it's funny - I came to this conclusion when talking to Mac, our barkeep at work. When I am not happy, I am stewing. I am either making a beef stew - in which I am angry at someone else... or I am making a chicken stew in which I am angry at myself for not doing something I wanted myself to do. Right now, it's a good mixture. I am a little angry at Roux for not being clear and forward with me but I am also angry at myself for not being clear and forward with HIM. My Beefcken stew should be delicious.
Roux stopped by the restaurant Friday night. I was busy with customers and he was leaving the site for the evening and brought his truck down from the staff parking lot and parked near us and was out on the porch when I went out to sit with the girls having a smoke. They all insist he'd come to see me, and I honestly can't see why he was there if not, since he's not really FRIENDS with any of them, but I could have misinterpreted the whole thing. I could be misinterpreting everything that has happened since May. I might be delusional!
Anyways, he was quite concerned that I was not feeling well (I didn't give the old whiny "I'm siiiick..." he heard me talking and said "Oh, are you sick?"), but we were pretty limited on time and it wasn't exactly a perfect moment to be putting our heads together and having a good chat, which is sad... because I miss our good chats and on Monday, it will be TWO FRIGGING WEEKS since we've had one.
There is a lot of outside pressure to just give up on him because of his little flakeout on Monday, but I would hate to throw the baby away with the bathwater without at least talking to him and finding out where his brain is at. Honestly, girls seem to go on and on about how this is the 21st century and "don't settle for a guy that doesn't like you as much as you like him", and blah blah blah... but at the same time, I am an adult. I am not playing "the game" that everyone seems to be playing. I have a genuine interest in him and I am fairly sure that he has a genuine interest in me and I think there are things he needs to overcome and if those prove to be too much than I am willing to step back and back off if that is what he needs... much like this may be his "fatal character flaw", I have my own - the only difference being that mine will rear its ugly head a little later on, when things seem pretty secure.
I feel like both of us have invested a lot in the friendship already to just tell him to piss off for saying a couple of things he might not have known the implications of. Maybe he is genuinely busy for the next two weeks - he does have five horses and himself to house for winter and it is fast approaching.
I am making a chicken and beef stew right now. Not literally, but it's funny - I came to this conclusion when talking to Mac, our barkeep at work. When I am not happy, I am stewing. I am either making a beef stew - in which I am angry at someone else... or I am making a chicken stew in which I am angry at myself for not doing something I wanted myself to do. Right now, it's a good mixture. I am a little angry at Roux for not being clear and forward with me but I am also angry at myself for not being clear and forward with HIM. My Beefcken stew should be delicious.
Friday, October 2, 2009
We never change, do we? We never learn, do we? I wanna live life and always be true... I wanna live life and be good to you...
So Roux is still off doing his thing. M reported that she saw him by the restaurant and he smiled and waved and was his "normal cheerful self" - he wouldn't let that affect how he feels about the other girls in the restaurant anyways.
S gave me a really astute observation (or maybe it's just the one I like the best so that is why I am giving it so much cred) - "He likes you but he has something in his life to work out right now, I think." It's all good, either way. I knew from the beginning that he could be like this since he's been like this since he was 16. It's always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me... -Third Eye Blind
I went out the night before last to find that Rex had sliced his nose up pretty good on a random, unassuming nubbin in his stall. I could have killed him. I waffled back and forth about calling the vet for stitches, but it was afterhours by then and would have cost me around $300 and on a spot where he would be really likely to rub them out when they started to get itchy... I am just hoping that he doesn't heal TOO ugly. You don't ride their face, afterall, and it doesn't interfere with how nicely he moves, soooo. Right now I am hydrating it everyday to keep stuff out of it and putting an antiseptic/fly repellent on it. It's nice for our one on one time, even if I am hurting him when we have it. Mom tried to help me out last night but it really only agitated him more to have her trying to hold his head.
And then I am getting sick again... I have only been well for like a week, and now I am congested again, sore throat and a gross cough. I am pumping meds to me but I have to work a double shift tonight and then I have a 4H Leader's Conference tomorrow bright and early so we shall see if I ever recover... which reminds me that I need to get something for the potluck tomorrow! Hopefully I won't spread too many germies.
S gave me a really astute observation (or maybe it's just the one I like the best so that is why I am giving it so much cred) - "He likes you but he has something in his life to work out right now, I think." It's all good, either way. I knew from the beginning that he could be like this since he's been like this since he was 16. It's always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me... -Third Eye Blind
I went out the night before last to find that Rex had sliced his nose up pretty good on a random, unassuming nubbin in his stall. I could have killed him. I waffled back and forth about calling the vet for stitches, but it was afterhours by then and would have cost me around $300 and on a spot where he would be really likely to rub them out when they started to get itchy... I am just hoping that he doesn't heal TOO ugly. You don't ride their face, afterall, and it doesn't interfere with how nicely he moves, soooo. Right now I am hydrating it everyday to keep stuff out of it and putting an antiseptic/fly repellent on it. It's nice for our one on one time, even if I am hurting him when we have it. Mom tried to help me out last night but it really only agitated him more to have her trying to hold his head.
And then I am getting sick again... I have only been well for like a week, and now I am congested again, sore throat and a gross cough. I am pumping meds to me but I have to work a double shift tonight and then I have a 4H Leader's Conference tomorrow bright and early so we shall see if I ever recover... which reminds me that I need to get something for the potluck tomorrow! Hopefully I won't spread too many germies.
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