Finally taking a breather and musings on happiness!

I had a day off today and I really needed it. After working in the kitchen at the family restaurant on Friday (I made chowder and it was good!), we opened our restaurant (and the site) on Saturday. I went in at 10:30 to prep, then we had two groups totalling approximately 125 people in for an evening function. I left the restaurant at 10:30pm - so 12 hours and 105$ in tips later... I felt okay, but my legs felt like they were falling off. Sunday, I worked regular restaurant hours (got out by 4:30), but the damage to my feet is already done. My big toe on my left foot is quite numb and sore and I am thinking possibly permanent damage since my shoes aren't big enough for both my feet and the insoles I put in them despite buying them a size too big on purpose. Saturday, I sweated off 3lbs. Sunday I sweated off 2. I am down a total of 10lbs, putting me exactly where I was (because I had gained ten back after losing 30 total) the summer right before Angel died.

This is kind of a coincidence because the other day, I was reading an old journal/diary from that summer... and I read the report that I was, at that snapshot in time, the happiest I could remember ever being - losing weight, spending some great time with a fantastic and talented horse, and feeling good about myself. All of that crumbled in August of that year and "Wake Me Up When September Ends" became my theme song. I put on the 10lbs, I felt miserable, and I never felt "really" happy again until this spring when I felt something start coming on that I couldn't explain.

Last week, I put my finger on it. I am, once again, losing weight and working with an immensely talented horse and having a great time. My parents gave me so much grief over Bronwyn when I first got her, and mom still is tempted to. I tried to explain to her that while I love Ari and Rex, B makes me happy... like Angel used to. She didn't understand and didn't want to really hear it. I love my mom but she makes up her mind about things and it's damn near impossible to change them.

My dad on the other hand, completely "gets it". Shay told me that he said to her that he wished I would find a boyfriend. He said he'd just like to see me happy and having a good time - I have been so busy and cloistered on the farm, he wants to see me making time for myself and having fun. Then I told him that while I understood that he and mom never felt so hot about Bronwyn, she made me happy the way that Angel did. He said to me - "I knew that on that day this spring when you got on her for the first time and I could see that she trusted you and you trusted her. I haven't questioned her presence on the farm since. In fact, I'd like to have a dozen more like her." Even though I was already feeling a little bit soppy in the eyes, that sealed the deal. To think that when I was 16-17, I was planning on running away just because of this man, and to see how far we have come since then also makes me immensely happy.

I even got a rejection today from the one agency that I really really WANTED to take my book and it's not really phasing me because this realization is eclipsing everything else.