I am the queen of scary experiences!

So yesterday I was the victim of road rage, and it could have potentially gone over really badly.

Let me preface this whole thing by saying that sometimes, I am really stupid. Since my parents raised me "right", sometimes my instinct to be polite and respectful to adults overrides my instinct for self-preservation - so I will let myself get into situations where I may potentially get yelled at or hurt because it would be rude to ignore someone, etc. Very seldom do I engage in confrontation, and then it is usually only after I have been abused for quite some time.

I dropped mom off at the corner of the HSBC building in Fredericton and edged up to King Street. It was a red light, but I saw nothing coming and made a legal right on red. Out of nowhere, somebody starts laying on their horn and does for pretty much the length of the block. I got to the next light, feeling properly chastised, even though I was quite sure I had done nothing wrong, and it was red. I sat there for a minute when I heard someone try my door handle. I have never been so thankful in my life for doors that auto-lock when you drive. I look to my left and a man in his 40's or so, in a pea coat has tried to open my door. He signaled for me to roll down my window. This is the part where I should have ignored him and then driven away but I didn't because of that war of instincts, right?

So I edged my window down a teeny bit and he says, angrily "Do you realize you just burned at a red light?" (I still don't know what that means?) - I said "Um... I made a legal right turn at a red light."... he said "No, you BURNED." and since I had no idea what he was talking about and had nothing else to say to him, I just rolled up my window and drove away since the light had changed. I sincerely hope that someone blasted him with their horn because he was holding up traffic at the green light.

Shay says I should have dialed 911 into my phone and held it up to the window with my finger on talk and seen if he would go away. I should have taken his license plate number. I am justified.

Why?

Because my mom witnessed the pulling out and she said that she didn't think he even had to touch his brakes, nevermind slam them on to avoid hitting me. He just got mad that I pulled out in front of him, I guess. My theory is that he was trying to rush a yellow light instead of stopping like he should have and got pissed because I might have held him up a little bit.

I was so scared and ANGRY, I was shaking until I got Shay to the dentist and had some time to calm down and breathe. I don't know if I was more angry at him or at myself for even rolling down the window. What if he had had a gun? Or a knife? Or pepper spray? To hell with being polite. I know I won't be doing that again! I like to think that if the door hadn't been locked, I would have pushed it out quickly and hit him with it and then driven away, but I can't guarantee that would have been my response, because I always think of the best things to do after the situation has already passed. Eek!

I know it's not always a party...

I rode again today but discovered that Bronwyn and I were both too tired and sore to really put much effort into it so we worked on bending and moving off the leg. I really think she is making progress, and the consistency in the work really helped. My goal is to take her to a weekend of clinics in May (Can Am) and one show next summer. I would also like to take her to the Equine Review, of course, but I won't hold my breath too long and hard on that one!

I am really sore through my shoulders and arms more than anything. The last two days, it has been painful to close my legs and hold them closed (just because of the muscles, of course), but that seems to have diminished some and now it's just arms and shoulders. Hopefully I can sleep some of it off since I have to work tomorrow and I am sure my boss will be delighted by me being unable to lift soup bowls, or... well, anything!

I've decided B and I will take tomorrow off and then work on Saturday and Sunday as well, because mom will be around and will be able to give us a bit of a lesson and help us out some. I really like having that opportunity and I shouldn't take it for granted!

I am, unfortunately, already starting to peruse the job sites to see what is available and such. I do need to get work in January/February, I think... as much as I hate to. BUT I am going to insist on a Monday-Friday job. And days only. I don't care if that means I make minimum wage (I make minimum wage now!), because mom works a Mon-Fri job and we would be able to travel together if I found something like that and it would make it less of a deal for me to have to take minimum wage. Secretarial or something would be really nice. :)

You make me weightless...

So I would have to say of late this blog is more "of riding" than anything, but that's okay. :) I enjoy my horses and even if I have no one who reads regularly and of them, no one who really likes horses, at least I will have the ability to look back and say "aww, look how far we have come!".

I rode Bronwyn yesterday and it was nice because I had a camera assistant with me. :-D VERY rare to be able to get someone out with a camera in hand to photograph/video me but we did a nice trade off in which she video'd and photographed for me and I did the same for her with her dog later (it's Shay by the way).

B finally seems to be "getting" the yield on the right rein which makes me really excited. Mom watched the video last night and there were a couple of parts where she was like "That's NICE!" which means a lot because even if mom doesn't like or want to ride horses anymore, she once was great and so I really am desperate for her praise and approval. It's nice to get it once in a while.



We later worked on some of Bronwyn's tricks, which I am just dusting off again. We worked on the bow for a second day and since I had Shay, she stood ahead of Bronwyn and clicked and treated when we got and held the desired position with her knee on the ground. She did this because she has great timing with the clicker and also because I am not coordinated enough to guide her leg down, click at the right time and then treat in a timely manner. I am working on it, though! I am not sure whether I should even try the bow today without Shay around to give me a hand because it may just set her back, but here's a cute video. :)

Just breathe...

Yesterday, I rode Bronwyn and didn't even pretend to myself that I was going to do anything else with any other horses because I just didn't have the energy. I am sore and weak through my body because of riding but I am hoping that will wear off by the weekend.

B was very good this time around. I set the video camera up so that we could use it to see what was going on on the right rein. She appears to be bending, just not moving off my leg. Might try some stuff from the ground today. She was, again, trying to trot off when I put my leg on her to ask her to move over in that direction. More work, yippee!

I'll share the video as soon as it uploads on Youtube!
ETA: Video is uploaded, here it is for those who are interested in watching a fat lady ride her horse for 9 minutes!



After riding, we worked on her bow. I got her all the way to the ground with her knee on it. Now I need to not get so excited when she does it that I let her get up because I definitely ruined it by getting so excited and clicking and treating and loving her. I am going to have to treat her while she is still in that downward position. We also worked on her spanish walk, which is where she walks with large, exaggerated steps in the front. I am teaching her to do this by encouraging her to touch my trick stick with the fronts of her knees, however, she is not so into walking and doing that at the same time, so... we'll work on it. It's more of a "spanish stand" right now.

I also want to work on some liberty stuff. That can be our big excuse for taking her all around - her big "act" where she basically runs around like a tard, and then comes back to me and is connected to me. I just have to figure out how to get her connected to me and paying attention to my body first.

Monday of my week of work!

I had a rather ambitious plan this morning (well, Monday morning rather, since it's pushing 1am now) to ride 2 horses (Jessie and Bronwyn) and work two horses on the line (Ari and Freckles). Rex is a little sore right now and I am not sure what is going on in his little (haha just compared to B and Freckles!) feeties, so I'll give him some time to tough up.

In addition to working four horses, I was going to scrub buckets and clean/re-organize my tack area because it's getting a wee bit wild and wooly. I also had to water horses and clean stalls among other things.

This is exactly what I got done before everyone started coming home:

I rode Bronwyn for 45 minutes.
I watered everything.
I put Ari on the line and spun her around a couple of times before I decided it looked like she was off and put her away.

Then I collapsed.

Working Bronwyn for so long took a TON of energy out of me. I defy ANYONE to tell me that riding that horse is not a workout. Maybe not a "traditional" workout, but I sure had that same sloshy belly, sloppy legs feeling when I got off of her as I do when I get off the treadmill or bike. I can feel it in my core and in my back muscles and it feels pretty darn good. I just wish there was a way to balance out the strength in my body - my right side is significantly weaker than my left side and it has reflected on Bronwyn to the point where we're having some real difficulty with the right side of HER body and her wanting to bend her body in a nice arc around a circle instead of just bending her neck, throwing her shoulder and trotting straight. We'll work on it, though, I think.

I am also really, really interested in working Bronwyn on some liberty stuff. Maybe not this year but next (2011), I'd like to be able to do a few demos on her tricks and show off my pretty horse. Really, all I want to do is show her off. I am trying to think of reasons why she should be going to the Equine Review in May because I really want to take her, just to show her off. I also want her to get some area experience because I plan to take her in the Wind Rider challenge at Can Am in late May as well. We shall see where all of this goes.

All I know is that my seat is feeling different, my legs are feeling stronger, and the saddle feels bigger under my arse. I have maintained 10lbs of weight loss since Labor Day, but I don't think I have lost anymore really... but my metabolism sure feels different, but swings. Some days I could go all day like a workhorse and other days I am hard pressed to get ANYTHING done without literally crawling back to my bed. I'm not sure what's going on but I think it has to do with the birth control I am on right now. Oh well, another couple of months will tell for sure, I guess!

I am off work til Friday so I am planning to try and ride everyday until then, take Friday off then ride Saturday when I can get a "lesson" from mom. She seemed to have no advice on Bronwyn's stiffness but I might try tying her head tomorrow just to see if I can get that nice soft bend from the ground, and also might pick up my trick stick to remind her to move her ribcage as well as her head.

Just say goodnight and go...

The more I think about it, the more happy I am with my decision to give up on Roux. He is not now, and at 35, probably never will become the man I want and need him to be. I have learned much, including how to well and truly love myself, extra pounds and all, through him, so I can't be angry or bitter, I can just be slightly melancholy and smile a little sadly.

I think what bothers me the most is that, though he does have plans, and sometimes even ambition to get them rolling, he doesn't seem satisfied with allowing what he has in the now to flourish while he works toward what he wants. Like, all I can think about now is starting my summer riding camp, but in the meantime, I am still working, working toward it and where I am at right now is not my "ideal", or where I want to be exactly right now, but I am happy with what I have and I feel like he isn't. I have my own problems to deal with and I don't need his. I really want to remain friends with him because he's interesting and I think he has a lot to offer but in the meantime, I am just done.

My Facebook status the other day was:

I sure feel like I am kissing a lot of frogs lately - romantically and otherwise. Oh well! Every mistake is a lesson learned and one step closer to getting it RIGHT. <3 I love myself enough to let myself have the opportunity to get what I deserve, and not what I am settling for!

And that's just how I feel right now. I am happy with LIFE in general right now. The last couple of years have been more or less this way - what a change to the crippling depression I dealt with in high school... I feel so much better!

Oh yeah

I am just too tired to care!

I remember looking at you, wondering if you even knew...

Roux texted me last night on his own accord... which is not something he often does. It only took him 48 hours after my trip to Bangor to make contact and see if I even made it out alive, yannow? The girls at work told me I'm not allowed to text him back, ever. I figure if I wait until tonight, that will just get my point across. Obviously, I have more thought and effort invested in it and I want to stop that because it's only hurting me. And if I text him back right away and revert right back to the sad, desperation I've had over the last little while, I am just going to be a hypocrite because that's what I gave my friend grief for. So, resolve. Check.

One thing I had thought about and wanted to say in this blog because it's been running around in my head is about the Amish type people ("Christian brotherhood", live very similar to the Amish) that I have been dealing with this past week. They are friends of Roux's and had a puppy that he had bought from us but gave to them when he went longhaul trucking. After an accident earlier this summer with some farming equipment, they wanted another dog and so when we got Rhyme, we got them a good deal on another pup in the litter. I was out there to their place twice.

I love the property. I love the idea of working the land. I even think I could live that way (which is ironic because that's how Roux would love to live but I don't want to live with HIM that way anymore, THAT foolish idea is out of my head). I would mourn some things, like hot showers and the internet, but I think in the long run, I would enjoy it. It is kind of the essence of me that I try to accommodate as frequently as possible but which is not often possible due to the rat race of life. They have 10 kids.

I went out there Wednesday afternoon before going to pick the pups up in Bangor so I could pick up their money to deposit and send to the woman who sent the puppies. I never thought of it but I was wearing makeup and dressed pretty snazzy. I wonder what they see when they looked at me? Was it garish and leering? Or was it the same way they would see anything else? The kids were so excited about the puppy, I doubt they were thinking about it at all!

The next night when I brought the puppy back to them, all the kids met us outdoors in their bare feet at nearly 9pm. They were so excited... and these people are so GOOD. I enjoy spending time with them, they really project this aura of goodness and honesty and wholesomeness that even some of the best "good" people I have met in my day to day don't project. I rarely find that ANYONE I meet in my day to day life projects quite that much anyways.

We have a fencer on loan today and a new fencer on the way to zap the bajeesus out of the horses... I am excited. :)

I try to be happy because I have a puppy...

My life feels really strange in general right now.

For the first time, ever, my best friend of 20 years and I may not be best friends anymore? She's been dangerously involved with a man she knows very little about for the last few months and it took a turn for very serious about a week ago, and she knows I disapprove. Finally, when she insisted she knew what she was doing was stupid, I let 'er rip and gave her a piece of my mind about the whole thing - without being too nasty - but I sure did tell her that I think she's going down a slippery slope and that "breaking up" with him for only TWO DAYS because there was a gross show of disrespect on his part and then getting back together with him only showed him one thing and that was that when she says "no", she doesn't mean it. I just hope she doesn't get hurt too badly. Her sister is keeping tabs on her for me because I haven't heard from her in two days since I sent her the email.

I've also completely given up on Roux. I wanted him to go with me to Bangor Wednesday night and asked him about a week in advance about it. He sounded amiable to the idea. Wednesday morning rolls around and he can't go with me (this was about the time that shit hit the fan with the aforementioned best friend, or maybe it was Tuesday night?)... because he needs to fix the heater in his truck but he said it "would have been fun" - when I expressed that I really had wanted him to come so I didn't get lost, he asked when I was leaving and I said it was okay, I would googlemap it. Though I told him I was worried about getting lost, I still haven't heard from him, so he doesn't even know if I made it back alive or not.

I am just tired of hanging around on a line for him. I was sure, back in August that we were building up to something but it has taken so long to come that I am just tired of it all. Like, I literally want to sleep instead of think about it. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me by now. He would make time. He would put off fixing his truck for a day or two. So now if he decides he wants to be with me later, it might be too late. Now I just need to find someone to move on to.

In the meantime, mom's new puppy loves me, which is kind of awesome because I didn't want her to get the puppy in the first place but I am secretly glad to have her even though it is hard to type with a puppy on your lap!

But it's so good to believe...

I am feeling pretty down right now.

Yesterday, I poked my head out to check on the horses and they were in the back field. The fence looked like something had come through it from the outside, in. I went out to retrieve the horses, and brought Freckles and Jessie in... this left Ari and Bronwyn and Sable, our 25 year old retired broodmare. When I went back for my second round of pony wrangling, Sable was standing with her back to me and I could see that her fetlocks were covered in blood.

When I got a little closer, after she evaded me a bit, I saw that the entire front of her back legs were drenched in blood and she had a very significant cut on the front of each leg. I helped her to the barn, going slow and easy, and got the other two horses into the fence. I lugged her to the barn and then tried to set up the hose so I could rinse off the blood and see how bad the cuts were. I could not coax her back out of the barn and to the hose... we stood in the yard and she bled and bled while I called mom and dad, and the vet.

I didn't realize she was bleeding THAT much and the thought of stopping the blood somehow managed to be secondary to getting her hosed down, I don't know why, but when I looked back and saw how much blood was there in just the few minutes I had spent talking to mom and dad, I realized she needed to have some pressure put on them.

I got her inside, got some pads and polo wraps and wrapped her up as tight as possible, then put her in the back box stall all bedded up. The vet arrived about 45 minutes after we called for him and gave her a shot for the pain, then investigated the wound a little bit to find that her tendon was severed. We decided almost immediately to put her down because she was such an old horse and the stall rest would have really hurt her with her breathing problems. We got her back outside and to a relatively soft spot, and we gave her the shot.

After she got down, the vet checked the other leg and found that tendon was severed, too. I have absolutely no idea where she hurt herself, mom and I each walked the area twice and can't find anything. It looked almost like she had put her feet through a floor or something, which is completely impossible. With the amount of blood she had lost, it would have been difficult to save her regardless. Poor old girl. There was just so much blood everywhere.

I'm just very discouraged right now. This morning, fence all fixed, I put the horses out and they didn't stay in the fence a whole hour before they were out, and then when I went to put them back in the fence, Shay's dumb draft cross went through and tore down another section.

I'm just tired of not being able to do the horses justice. They need a stronger fencer. But we're getting a puppy instead. I don't even want to talk about that.

I am hoping that Roux comes home from visiting his parents in time to come with me to Bangor to pick up the puppy but it seems unlikely that he would want to be stuck in a vehicle for another six or seven hours after he's just made a trip that long the day before... if he even comes home today.

I keep, in my brain, imagining (or hoping, in some sick way?) that he's gone up there to get permission from his parents to date a non-Catholic girl. But you know, honestly, I feel so indifferent to just about everything right now, I don't even care, and I am not willing to bank on anything positive happening right now. I just want to load my horses up on the first trailer that shows up here, and not have to think about them anymore. I know it is my grief talking but all I can think about is all the blood.




RIP Old girl.

But you turn my hope into a weapon...

I completely forgot about last.fm - I used to listen to it all the time, back in the day, when I sat beside Alain... but last week, I tried to remember the address or even name of it and completely couldn't. This morning, it just came to me! I'm pretty sure I can't/don't want to bog my laptop down with iTunes and I never use my desktop anymore because it is slower than sin, so I need a music listening alternative and I can't seem to figure out how to listen to just streaming music and not streaming video on Yahoo! anymore.

Roux has gone off to the North shore to visit his parents. I am kind of jealous as I wanted to go up to visit my aunt and grandparents before the snow came because I love the ocean and when the snow gets there... then you're kind of SOL for ocean viewing. And, I also kind of miss Roux. Even though I probably wouldn't have called him or even seen him this weekend, and it has been a week since I've seen him. I feel silly for missing him. Oh well. I'm a silly girl. I guess I am going to appreciate him more now, though, slow moving and everything, due to some stuff that's happened this week. I don't mind his pace anymore.

I was to Tiff's last night... we ate pasta and tiramisu and drank liquor in honor of one year being away from her awful ex. D stayed awake as long as he could to party with us... it was cute. I tried French Kiss for the first time and was quite excited by that (yay, vanilla!) and decided I shall marry Dr McGillicuddy, since I am such a fan of Fireball, and now French Kiss. I wouldn't need anything else. :)

And now I have a wee bit of a headache.

And I should do some laundry. I might also watch Chocolat again, and The House Bunny... and take a nap.

And I'm listening to some as-yet-unheard-by-me Third Eye Blind thanks to Grooveshark!


Believe in me
And this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
But you turn my hope into a weapon

Palm Reader - Third Eye Blind

Is it even a possibility?

woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility

monday morning coming on fast
was hoping this august moon would last
whatever you tell me i wanna believe
is that even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility

you placed this promise at my feet
but i need something that i can keep
is it even a possibility

i remember looking at you
wondering if you even knew
so i closed my eyes and counted to ten
was hoping that you would kiss me then
kissing me
is it even a possibility

heart´s been stolen
eyes are swolen
all these words were never spoken
stomach sinking
wishful thinking
wish that you would phone

i wish these fears would disappear
so we could run away from here
is it even a possibility

woke up at midnight all alone
was it a dream that you had phoned
were you even thinking of me
is it even a possibility
missing me
is it even a possibility
you and me
is it even a possibility
mmm
is it even a possibility

Like the red sea, you split me open...

I had a pretty much awesome day yesterday.

I started out a complete bundle of nerves. Roux texted me on Thursday asking if I was busy Sunday and if he could come around to the farm... I said of course he could stop by - coincidentally, I also had my friend Jill, from Scuffed Boots Photography coming to do a photoshoot on the farm, but I figured I could juggle the both and if not, cross that bridge when I got to it.

As soon as mom caught wind that Roux was coming over, she started envisioning a giant dinner, and inviting him to stay - but even though they cajoled me multiple times between Thursday and Sunday, I was totally not interested in asking him in advance to stay for supper - too much pressure... so dad said "You're staying for supper, aren't you?" at some point early during his visit (which started at 1:30 and ended at roughly 9:30) and so he said yes and had the rest of the day to stay with us, I guess.

We went for a drive into the woods in his truck, then walked out a little farther so he could see some property he was thinking about. He didn't like the East facing slope of the property but he was pretty excited about the brook in it - overall, I don't think he has the kind of money to spend on the property, but he did want to go on a drive around the block to see if there were any other properties for sale.

When we got back, we dinked around in the barn for a while until Jill got there and then he hung around, and even helped out a little with the shoot, then we all had dinner... then we sat around the kitchen table, talking for ages... and then he helped me with the night chores and gave me a chaste hug when he left (it took that long to get rid of dad :P Ugh.). My parents almost like him more than I do!

Either way, I am so stoked about the pictures that Jill took. They mark a real turn in myself, I think. I am looking at these pictures thinking "I am frigging beautiful." where a year ago, I don't think I could have. And like it or lump it, I think the big boost in confidence is mostly thanks to Roux. I have had a great summer getting to know him, going back and forth and trying to figure things out, frustrating as it was, has been a big boost to me - getting some interest in return... I found myself more often than not, driving to work thinking "Man, I look cute today." Or "You know, I am really quite pretty." - and I never did anything different necessarily, just started thinking differently about myself. And now, I really just want to print these pictures out and run all over creation with them waving them in people's faces and going "Look how pretty my horse and I are!!"

And I wish I could breathe without getting it stuck

Roux is coming to the farm on Sunday.

*panic*

Where I am going...

Courtesy of mvm.com, Prevention's swimsuit weight loss generator thing.

Bandaid

I am going to find out some answers soon. I don't think I will get the answers I want, and I should just be happy with what I have but I have to ruin things by needing to know.

I know exactly what he's going to say - he's not in a position in his life right now to get into anything romantic, he enjoys my friendship but that is all there is to it. But I need to know, just on the .00001 chance that it might be different than that.

I sabotage myself every time. Either way, he knows now I want to talk to him, as I mentioned it in passing yesterday when he was pulling on my skirt. I know it is going to freak him out to have this talk and he'll go running either way.

...

I do not feel happy.

Nothing has happened. It is more the lack of things happening, and my realization of what that means. Plus an ominous missive to "not believe everything Roux says".

I want to call him and talk to him but I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to have "this" discussion over the phone. As of next Monday, our potential for daily or at least weekly interaction through work will be over, and I want to know where it goes from there. Not knowing makes me crazy.

And, he is 35 years old and has been this way for nearly 20 of those. Where do I get off thinking he will change?

This is a classic example of my mind going crazy when it has no facts to fill up its spare time.

You're delusional, you're delusional, boy you're wasting your time...

Ahhh... geeze.

Roux stopped by the restaurant Friday night. I was busy with customers and he was leaving the site for the evening and brought his truck down from the staff parking lot and parked near us and was out on the porch when I went out to sit with the girls having a smoke. They all insist he'd come to see me, and I honestly can't see why he was there if not, since he's not really FRIENDS with any of them, but I could have misinterpreted the whole thing. I could be misinterpreting everything that has happened since May. I might be delusional!

Anyways, he was quite concerned that I was not feeling well (I didn't give the old whiny "I'm siiiick..." he heard me talking and said "Oh, are you sick?"), but we were pretty limited on time and it wasn't exactly a perfect moment to be putting our heads together and having a good chat, which is sad... because I miss our good chats and on Monday, it will be TWO FRIGGING WEEKS since we've had one.

There is a lot of outside pressure to just give up on him because of his little flakeout on Monday, but I would hate to throw the baby away with the bathwater without at least talking to him and finding out where his brain is at. Honestly, girls seem to go on and on about how this is the 21st century and "don't settle for a guy that doesn't like you as much as you like him", and blah blah blah... but at the same time, I am an adult. I am not playing "the game" that everyone seems to be playing. I have a genuine interest in him and I am fairly sure that he has a genuine interest in me and I think there are things he needs to overcome and if those prove to be too much than I am willing to step back and back off if that is what he needs... much like this may be his "fatal character flaw", I have my own - the only difference being that mine will rear its ugly head a little later on, when things seem pretty secure.

I feel like both of us have invested a lot in the friendship already to just tell him to piss off for saying a couple of things he might not have known the implications of. Maybe he is genuinely busy for the next two weeks - he does have five horses and himself to house for winter and it is fast approaching.

I am making a chicken and beef stew right now. Not literally, but it's funny - I came to this conclusion when talking to Mac, our barkeep at work. When I am not happy, I am stewing. I am either making a beef stew - in which I am angry at someone else... or I am making a chicken stew in which I am angry at myself for not doing something I wanted myself to do. Right now, it's a good mixture. I am a little angry at Roux for not being clear and forward with me but I am also angry at myself for not being clear and forward with HIM. My Beefcken stew should be delicious.

We never change, do we? We never learn, do we? I wanna live life and always be true... I wanna live life and be good to you...

So Roux is still off doing his thing. M reported that she saw him by the restaurant and he smiled and waved and was his "normal cheerful self" - he wouldn't let that affect how he feels about the other girls in the restaurant anyways.

S gave me a really astute observation (or maybe it's just the one I like the best so that is why I am giving it so much cred) - "He likes you but he has something in his life to work out right now, I think." It's all good, either way. I knew from the beginning that he could be like this since he's been like this since he was 16. It's always the fallen ones I think are always gonna save me... -Third Eye Blind

I went out the night before last to find that Rex had sliced his nose up pretty good on a random, unassuming nubbin in his stall. I could have killed him. I waffled back and forth about calling the vet for stitches, but it was afterhours by then and would have cost me around $300 and on a spot where he would be really likely to rub them out when they started to get itchy... I am just hoping that he doesn't heal TOO ugly. You don't ride their face, afterall, and it doesn't interfere with how nicely he moves, soooo. Right now I am hydrating it everyday to keep stuff out of it and putting an antiseptic/fly repellent on it. It's nice for our one on one time, even if I am hurting him when we have it. Mom tried to help me out last night but it really only agitated him more to have her trying to hold his head.

And then I am getting sick again... I have only been well for like a week, and now I am congested again, sore throat and a gross cough. I am pumping meds to me but I have to work a double shift tonight and then I have a 4H Leader's Conference tomorrow bright and early so we shall see if I ever recover... which reminds me that I need to get something for the potluck tomorrow! Hopefully I won't spread too many germies.

Chocolat

Dear Roux, (That is what my gypsy will hereby be referred to as... however, he is not as hot as Johnny Depp!)

You know, you kind of suck. I don't want to be too hasty and throw the baby out with the bathwater but I really hate the way you don't communicate anything very clearly. The way you string me along and make me feel so good and then make a comment that just about breaks my heart.

I know, I know, I invested way too much from the beginning. I know you can't change a man and you will probably always have a good case of wanderlust but you are 35 for goodness' sake. Eventually you are going to have to settle down, and I don't mean that it has to be with me, but seriously?

You go to my workplace and tell them how great our birthday date was, and "romantic". You walk me from my car to the restaurant, you give me hugs and we talk about you buying land, and spend SEVEN HOURS TOGETHER TALKING ABOUT NOTHING... and then I get the "IF I am still here this winter..." and the "I'm thinking about going on the road again..." and the "I'm pretty busy... like for the next couple of weeks"...(!!!)

Seriously, man... I want to spend time with you. We don't have to go to dinner. I am happy to watch you work your horses or tinker in the engine of your truck. I don't know what the hell you're doing or you're thinking and I know now I should have tacked you down because if this is just a friendship (and I seriously hope this is not how you behave with ALL of your friends!!) and you never intended for it to be anything more, I could stop fretting. I could stop worrying about getting a midnight visit to say goodbye because you're taking off. I could stop laying in bed awake going "What does this MEAN?! Are you TRYING to break my heart?!".

Stupid, stupid man. You're stupid. I'm excellent, and I'm wonderful. I give and give and give, but you haven't given me a chance to do that yet. You keep me around but hold me at arm's length. It's incredibly infuriating. You're making me absolutely crazy. You made me crazy before we started to get involved and you're making me crazy now. My mother was right (of course!) when she warned me at the beginning of this, as I insisted that you were ready to settle down, that you can't change a man. You'll probably never want to live in a real house and do domestic things. You'll always have a yert or an igloo or the back of some fire truck in your brain.

I don't want to be premature, so I am going to emulate a character from one of my favourite movies. You can call me Vianne from now on... and you, of course, are Roux. And right now is the part where (mentally) you came and said goodbye in the night... and in a little while if I don't fret about it much, you'll come back down the river in your boat, and I will stay put even though the wanderlust tugs at me, too, you know.

Stupid man.

Vianne



------------

In other wonderful news, I have lost 7lbs on my new Self Improvement Plan. And I am getting sick AGAIN. Wretched sore throat, sinuses filling up again, NO energy whatsoever. It just figures, doesn't it?

I'm in that...

I'm in that state of mind where you know you want something but you don't know what it is and you go around looking at things you could potentially have and keep going "meh"...

Except I know what I want and I am trying very hard not to want it because I have been spending every second of my time since G and I started "seeing each other" digging my heels in in an attempt not to be "that girl". I find myself lately wanting to spend COPIOUS amounts of time with him as often as possible (much like last Monday's SEVEN HOUR marathon), but I made a promise to myself that this time, HE would ask me out.

Several times over the last week, I have told myself that I don't care what I promised and there is nothing wrong with expressing my desire to be with him, and that we are adults and adults go for what they want, and it's silly to think that I need to withhold expressing my opinions and desires in order to see if the relationship is one sided or not. Of course it's not one-sided. If it were one-sided, when we got kicked out of the restaurant last Monday, G would not have gotten in my car and sat with me for a while longer. If it were one-sided, G would not stop by the restaurant and he would not have walked me from the parking lot to the restaurant yesterday morning.

Sometimes he says things to me, telling me where he is going or what he is doing as though he wants me to invite myself along. For example, last night he said he was going to temperance vale to check on the horses and work on his truck - which had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about. I would gladly sit and watch him tinker in his truck's engine for hours and talk to him because that is what I like best, just being with him, talking to him, but I don't want to invite myself along. I have done a lot of inviting myself along and I am trying to stop. Oh I don't even know what direction I am going in and it's frustrating.

Unfortunately, it looks like the tone of these entries will remain about G since Shay has officially decided I am not allowed to talk about it anymore because it's all I ever talk about. I can't help it that I have been single for five years and all of this is new and very exciting to me.

In other news, Bronwyn and I have started a self improvement plan in which we get our acts together and become hot mamas - literally. I am working her out to get fit and in the show ring and then I am planning to breed her to a friesian stallion. I am working myself out to get fit and in shape financially and emotionally to have a baby... Bronwyn's breeding date has a timeline, mine does not. Either way, I've decided that since I AM a hot blooded female, it'd be a good idea, if I plan to have babies anytime soon, to do what I'm going to do now since it won't be easy after a baby.

Shay took some "Before" pictures of us. I lost 2lbs last week but I do not expect a loss this week as I have been all over the charts.





I have been told, on more than one occasion, that I am "glowing" in these pictures!

I want you all to myself...

So my birthday has come and gone - it was Sunday and was mostly uneventful and just pretty much sad. Saturday, G and I decided to go to dinner, but Sunday morning, he came into the Inn because he had forgotten that it was Sunday and he had to go to Mass. He is a practicing Catholic, which I am not, but I understand the concept of being religious and faithful to that religion and I do not want to be "that girl". I will admit I was disappointed and very nearly cried, but I held it in check until I got into a row with one of the other waitresses and then I let the tears loose. I actually hid in a corner of the kitchen where no one could see me to cry because I didn't want anyone to think I was crying because of G or because of the other waitress. L summed it up the best when she said that "birthdays are a big letdown" - you build up excitement for them and when they arrive, you completely expect a big show of fireworks or something amazing and wonderful but they usually pass as good or average and then you are disappointed.

The girls in the kitchen made me a potato pancake and a homemade card with Sharpies and put a candle in the pancake and sang me happy birthday and it got slightly better. It got even better when G stopped by the Inn while we were all sitting on the back stoop and was feeling bad and Susan offered to work Monday night for me so he could take me out then instead (she already offered to work Sunday night for me and I would have gone back to working that night except with the crying and the being sad, I would not have been in good shape for it, especially since I was to work with the waitress I got in the row with). Then he walked me to my car and gave me a hug (probably because I was so bedraggled looking).

Monday, my boss showed up with two little personal sized gourmet cakes and told me that he and I had to eat them and "do something special". Everyone in the kitchen more or less decided that I needed to "find out what is going on" and find out where I stood with G because as of then, we were just friends having supper together - had hugged twice but there was some flirting going on and such. I really thought, after being blown off for church, that I was thinking more of the relationship than he was, but I tried not to be too pessimistic.

So I joined him to do chores after work, which is really fun and possibly one of my favourite parts about work - driving around the site after everyone has gone when the sun is starting to go down, and putting all the chickens away in their coops and feeding the horses and basically putting all the animals "to bed". He showed me a new bunch of piglets that no one was supposed to see because they don't want the mama to get upset, and then as we were getting ready to leave - we were discussing how beautiful the site is and how nice it is after all the guests have left... He said "Well, there is this one place that I think is the most beautiful spot..." And I started trying to guess - and he said "Well, maybe I will just take you there."

We pulled up to one of the houses and he got out, so I followed, and he showed me around to the back where you could see up the river and down the river for about a mile - across the river, there is roadway but there just happened to be no one on it... it was completely perfectly quiet except for some geese coming up the river, the water was still, the sun was low and the light was completely perfect. We sat down on the back stoop all cozy and wonderful and it was almost exactly like a movie.

Except I didn't get a kiss. I wasn't too upset since it was a complete perfect, private and wonderful moment even without the kiss, but I can completely see us going back to that spot again - I might even drag him there myself if I have to.

We went up to our regular spot for dinner and tucked into a corner booth where we usually just sit out at a table in the open. The conversation was great - I mean, it's always great, but it was flirty and friendly and really open and I felt like he was showing me a part of him that I hadn't gotten to see yet. There was some mild playful touching (not necessarily in a romantic way) - we are definitely becoming more and more comfortable with one another to say and do what comes into our heads at any given time. We stayed in the restaurant so long that they asked us to leave so they could close up... and then we just moved to sit in my van and talk for another hour and a half and eat the cakes that Susan had sent (the girls packed a candle and matches in there - he said it was a "romantic touch" - I blushed!).

After that, he helped me put transmission fluid in the van and when I accidentally locked us out, he climbed in the back hatch to unlock the doors without hesitation. Before I left, I was coming back out of the store and he was going to throw away a piece of paper towel, and he just reached out his arm while I was on the way by and scooped me into another hug. I am so in like, it's serious scary.

In all - he way more than made up for Sunday on Monday. I don't think he would have been very good company Sunday if I had insisted - particularly because some stuff has been going on at work for him and he really needed to go to church to sort his brain out.

And I never put my neck on the line to ask what was going on - but I get the impression from the conversation that he realizes this is headed in a romantic direction. He is older than I by quite a bit and he is to the point in his life where he is "playing for keeps" and I would like to be at that point either - obviously I don't know enough about him right now to say I'd want to marry him - but he is someone I would be interested in spending long term with - and he wants to build a good friendship base and see if that is what he is interested in, too. So far, our record for being able to talk to one another for hours on end is pretty darn good.

GOOD MORNING G!

So there has been some drama at work... making me crazy. Fortunately, M and I spoke to our boss today and everything has been smoothed down before it had a chance to get fired up.

On Thursday, G stopped by the restaurant and chatted with everyone while we were out on a smoke break (I don't smoke but I take breaks as often as I can!) and M tacked him down to coming back later for some pie. Since we were not going to be busy, M and I let the new girl, R, do all the public tables (we only did like 24 people all day) because she wasn't getting paid on Friday and could probably use the money, and we needed to set up for a wedding that happened last night. We worked our little butts off all morning and then decided to go see a new show that the entertainers were putting on at the theatre at 2:30 - conveniently, that is right about when G showed up so instead of pie, he came with us to the show. It was quite nice, actually. :)

So when we came back, almost exactly a half hour later, we were informed by the hostess that there were people in the kitchen that weren't happy, and the baker hostile-ly asked me "where the HELL were you fellers?" - even though we had cleared our leaving with R and the hostess and they were practically pushing us out the back door. There were even rumblings that our boss' boss would be informed of our activities...

The thing is - we signed out a half an hour early so as not to get paid for the time we were missing, and our boss let us do this last year several times. Overall, it became an enormous mess but was quickly calmed when M talked to our boss and our boss insisted that we were fine and it was no big deal.

And I loved you first...

So things have been moving excruciatingly slowly with G. I think it's alright, though, because the speed that he is regulating things at is probably exactly the speed I need to go because I get anxious and overexcited and blow things all to hell, and that's never good. He did inform me he doesn't like aggressive girls, but he was talking in the context of an ex-interest, so I don't think he meant it directly to me, and when I told him I hoped I wasn't being too pushy, he didn't say anything, so I am assuming I am okay. I've called him a couple of times and instigated two "dates" - one was a big bunch of people hanging out at L's, and the other was a one-on-one dinner the night before last (Monday).

It was a nice change to have him face-to-face without anyone else around, really, and not worrying about tourists sneaking up on us and hearing us talking about non period appropriate things. I really like talking to him and we spent three hours (until they started mopping the floor around us) just talking, etc. Though I had insisted while he was gone to the restroom that the bills be separate, he took my bill when he came back and insisted on paying it (but let me tip the waitress).

We stood in the parking lot and talked in the freezing cold for another twenty minutes, and then he cleaned my van's headlights and told me to drive carefully and slow down a little bit and patted me on the shoulder - but I am pretty much convinced it was not a "friendly" pat - more of a "this is all I get because you already got in your car without hugging me first". Anyways, I am not going to stress too much about that bit... try not to anyways.

We talked about all the stuff you're not supposed to talk about on first dates - like our exes and our situations in life - financially, mentally, etc. It's pretty obvious that neither of us are really in a position to get into a serious relationship right now (I live with my parents and he is more or less homeless - I am in a financial bind and he is HOMELESS), but I think we can enjoy one another's company and cross those bridges when (IF) we get there. It really felt like we were laying out all the informations so the other could see what we were REALLY like and be able to make the decision to carry on or not. Lots of "this is how I am in a relationship", "my personality is like this", etc. It felt natural and right, anyways.

I've decided to just enjoy this and let it come as it would and carry on. I have nothing to lose, really - he is not the type that would let a failed attempt at a relationship interfere with our friendship.

I know, I know...

I know I promised a big long post about some interesting things but since one of those things was taken away from me, I don't feel like posting about it right now. It's actually most of the way written.

Things have been... "advancing" with my gypsy boy. After getting atrociously drunk at the staff party (1 pint of Fireball Whiskey, through a straw, in less than 2 hours), and having some fun with him (he had 3 beer and Shay insists he was "acting more drunk than he actually was to make you feel better"), including shoulder bumping and waist hugging, I decided to pop by the next day because I knew he was working and wanted to say hello and apologize for any untoward behaviour and ask him out for Friday (tonight). What ended up happening was that he asked me to go on the wagon with him, so I did, and ended up being there for nearly two hours, while I worked up the courage to make my move. Finally, when I could not stay a second longer because I was missing Deacon's birthday party, I got off and told him I would really like to see him outside of work sometime and gave him my phone number. He made eye contact, took the number and said "Okay".

The next day, when I was in work, a girl who we both know and who is buying a horse from him came to me saying that she had just been out on the wagon with him and he was asking about me. Definitely cool, I expected a call within the week because of that. Still no call, but she is going back and forth, filling me in on what is going on inside of his head, so that is cool. She said he described his perfect woman and that is pretty much me, and she has been making lots of comments about how I would be a good fit for him and he hasn't been denying it. He did say he wanted to get to know me better around site, though, which is frustrating because I am literally visiting him as often as possible, short of coming in on my days off when I have no reason to be there. Anyways, it has made me realize that I need to be diligent and keep working away at it. He has also said he is a commitment phobe, which - in my opinion, it's important to recognize your character flaws so you can begin to work on them.

I feel excited, and like there is promise out there. :)

HOPE! For the future. Said girl (K), also gave me his phone number and told ME to call HIM and also said she is pretty sure he likes me at least a little.

Ahhh busy weeks!

So a few pretty interesting things have happened over the last couple of weeks - or at least since I wrote last. I shall have to put them in point form so I don't forget.

- Llama on the lamb

- Haircut to infinity

- Bareback Bronc-wyn

- Heere cookie cookie cookie

Try to figure THAT out! I will be back with an update after work!

I am an awful person? No!

So yesterday, despite Shay not feeling well, we set out to take her to work. She refused to call herself in sick so I made her go so she would learn a lesson. That's what I told myself, but the real reason was really so I could see G and get a chance to talk to him because I literally had not even had a chance to say hello besides a wave from the window of the Inn for like, two weeks. Not a conducive way to get to the end result you're looking for when romantically interested in someone!

Anyways, Shay obliged, and I think she learned a lesson anyways. I promised her I would stick around for a couple of hours in case she didn't come around and feel better, and so I took my van over to the VRC and got into the site on my staff pass. I stopped by the big new barn to oggle my red carriage for a while.

And then, of course, I headed straight for the Joslin farm when I got in because that's where he was likely to be. Also, the "real reason" I had in my head was that I haven't been to the Joslin in ages and ages - which is good enough reason for me, plus some friends of the family work in the house, including their adorable two children... who are adorable. I poked around a little but didn't see G outside, so I went to leave and he was watering one of the horses on his team. He beckoned me up to the barn to show me something "different", which turned out to be a swollen anus on his horse - they figure he had an allergic reaction to a medication. It was sincerely one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen!

Anyways, I hung around chatting for as long as was appropriate (I think anyways, I know girls who would have stayed around a lot longer than I did!), and then set off... ran through the Jones house and got almost as far as the Inn when I got the call from Shay (an hour after I dropped her off) to pick her up because she wasn't feeling any better. So I turned around to head back.

I will confess that I swung by the Joslin again, in case I would have a chance to say goodbye and put in some of my well rehearsed lines that had been going through my head since the other night when I went to N's hoping to see G and he wasn't even there. He wasn't at the Joslin, either, so I headed out disappointedly...

Then I saw him coming off the service road with his horse - they were waiting for the vet. I stopped and chatted a little bit and got an "I don't see you around N's much anymore..." (I am hoping this was in a kind of "but I wish I did..." way!) when I said "Well I was just there the other night, but you were not!" and then we joked around a little more.

I was pretty proud of myself and Shay admitted that she didn't mind being used and abused if it meant I was successful on my mission. She also gave me permission to marry him. When she sees/meets a man that she thinks would be a suitable date for me, she always says "I give you permission to marry him."... so that's a good sign?

She also insisted that if I were "serious about crushing on G" I needed to get dad involved. I maintain that I am not getting dad or N involved or even TELLING them my intentions unless something happens or some movement is made. There is no reason for me to have to live my life being mercilessly harassed unless I am getting some good out of it too!

And then I knew.

I had an appointment this morning to have Rex gelded, which is pretty exciting, but I had to postpone it til next Monday, which stinks but will be much better in the long run. I am excited to castrate him so he can live a more normal life. I can't imagine why anyone owns stallions anymore - it'll be nice to have options to go away, or put all the horses outside together.

Though I have today off, I will have to take ShayLee in to work so I will be traveling there anyways, and then back to pick her up, so I might as well just be working. Yesterday, I was supposed to be off but worked it for Laura so that she would take a day in August for me so I can go to Prince Edward Island with the Fab 5 for a cottage mini-stay.

I am still, however, very angry at myself for giving up my August 1st day off, because I had intended to go to Halifax to see Our Lady Peace and seemed to completely forget about it when Mallory asked me for the day off. It was also my only weekend in August off. Now I just get pissed about it all every time I hear Our Lady Peace on the radio!

Marks only I can see...

I am sure that my mood over the last couple of days has been due to PMS, which is good - normal periods are good, according to the doctors.

But I am frustrated. I'm frustrated in a lot of ways, of course, but I am REALLY frustrated with the medical stuff that is going on.

In grade 9, the first hair appeared - I remember it like it was yesterday - a person I am no longer friends with saw it and pointed it out (way not to make me self concious!) and asked if my boyfriend at the time liked to "nibble on it" (WTF? Can you see why I am not friends with her anymore?). Stuff lay dormant for a while but in the last couple of years, I have sprouted a very disturbing and alarmingly increasing amount of hair on my chin and on my neck. I am growing a beard. It's very disconcerting and defeminizing for me. It is just ravaging my skin to pluck it, waxing makes me bleed, and I KNOW that there is a reason that it's growing, not that it's just growing, and my doctors don't seem to be taking it very seriously. I had an appointment with a great dermatologist who basically said he was referring me back to my GP... but has not called or made contact with her.

None of them seem to realize that in the meantime, I am suffering. Not physically (well, it does hurt to pluck and it's destroying my skin), but emotionally. Today, I had a horrible brain wave in which I remembered that I have been single for five years and I have a beard. In correlation, it makes me feel terrible. What if the reason I am single is because of my hair growth?

I was feeling pretty down in the kitchen so I decided to buy myself a new notebook from the giftshop and announced it. Our salad line woman who is the sweetest lady in the world, gathered all the particulars without me realizing what she was doing and when I went in to buy it, the gift shop lady said "This is a gift." and handed me back my money! It made me cry a little, which I had already been doing that day. *sniff*

I drive myself crazy...

When I have to drop people off and then go back and pick them up in town like I have the last couple of days, I tend to drive different routes to try and keep it interesting, so I basically don't go crazy. Against my better judgement, because it's stalker-y, I drove home by the property where my gypsy lives. His truck wasn't home. No big whoop, we're both on days off - my van wouldn't have been home if he had driven by my house.

But then I was thinking about how my friends have urged me to ask him out, and I have ALMOST bolstered the confidence to do it... but then I thought "What if he is seeing someone and that is why his truck's not home?" Holy panic. I have tried imagining the scenario where I casually ask him out for coffee or dinner or something over in my head and it works pretty well. But throw the wrench of another woman into the scene and it is pretty much my worst nightmare.

I go MILES out of my way to avoid rejection of any kind, if I can help it. Except with writing, I head toward it full steam, funny how that is! Anyways... the thought of being turned down and embarrassed like that just makes my heart constrict.

GAH. I am a failure at life.

You Oughta Know!

Fredericton is so full of construction, it's crazy. I don't know if this is something new or something that happens every summer and I just haven't noticed it until this year.

After I dropped Shay off at work, I had to go to the feed store on Smythe street... so I took the new highway and came down through the Prospect/Hanwell intersection toward Silverwood... construction (there was construction in Keswick also, where I nearly ran over a flagger because he was hiding around a blind turn and also construction on the exit ramp from the Mactaquac detour onto the new highway)... and at least twice on the Woodstock road... then I escaped up Smythe thinking I would turn onto Prospect and go back down the way I had come before (so basically making a stupid circle) to avoid further construction but there were two sections of construction on Prospect. I think it took me at least three times as long to run into town and grab a $15 bag of chicken feed as it would normally. Oh well, at least the chickens will grow now.

I came home and now I am listening to old 'N SYNC and Alanis Morissette and doing laundry that I am going to hang in the sunshiney sun when it is finished. I didn't sleep much so maybe I will pop down for a nap in a few minutes, but until then, it's TEARIN UP MY HEART!

Everything in moderation

I feel ick. Because I have had too much Chinese food and then my "30 minute power nap" that was supposed to re-energize me turned into a 2 hour dead sleep which mostly just made me really thirsty and then sick. I think it's probably very bad for my system to do that. Eat copious amounts of sodium and grease and then sleep. Every time I burp, it tastes like chicken balls. I hope this doesn't turn me off Chinese food.


-----


I have come to the conclusion that I overthink everything. Well, I mean, I already knew that I did that, because I obsessed over my ex leaving me for like three years. Granted, I know now that's because I had absolutely no closure on it, and it was the grossest eruption of my self doubt to exist EVER (btw, it still lurks under the skin, but it's mostly ignored).

For instance, my gypsy came into my restaurant last week when we were fairly busy and I was hostessing. Instead of saying "Hi, how are you? I miss chatting with you." I playfully said "get out of my way, get out of my way!" and zipped by him. I could have done something so less wasteful with that opportunity but I didn't... and I beat myself up senselessly for the rest of the day! It was embarrassing to even admit it. I think the girls at work are going to beat me up physically if I don't make a move soon!


------


I have two days off and I am not sure what to do with myself for those two days.


That is all.

And that about sums it up.

Well, I framed off my first weekend off of the season with a visit to the strangest doctor I've ever met's office. He, like my GP, was inconclusive, but he seemed determined to get to the bottom of my facial hair problems. He said even if it is not something internally, it obviously is a problem for me so it is not something that we should ignore. It really does affect my self image more than I realize or think. So he's checking to make sure that my doctor did all the correct blood panels and then we will proceed from there. He did say there is a birth control out there now that helps control facial hair so it might end up being just that. He said he doubts anything is wrong with me internally. I guess we will see, but I know it will take all summer at the very least to work this out.

I did have a great weekend, overall, though. I got to spend Saturday night at the monthly card party - except it was sad because it was the last one for the summer and when we start again in the fall, Lisa will have moved to Toronto to go to school.

This weekend made me really realize how much I miss showing horses... very badly. I need to acquire a trailer and then go from there because that is the biggest, most expensive part of showing, is having a rig to get there!

I am not eager to go back to work now... I don't know why. All the other days I have had off, I was anxious and antsy to get back to work but not this time. Probably because I actually had something to do on my day off besides sit around and do nothing!

The longest weekend in the world!

So this weekend is my first weekend off of the season (Friday-Monday) and it will be framed by doctor's visits by the end of things.

Friday, I started off the day by going to my GP for my first ever physical. I have been trying to get in for this physical for 2 months but with all our trade fairs and then other stuff coming up (I was on my period once), I have had to reschedule it like three times. Friday was finally THE day. I was pretty anxious driving in, but I managed to survive the drive without crashing into anything. When the doctor left the room and told me to take off everything, I was plagued with indecision - take off my top or my pants first? Which would leave me less vulnerable? And why not just run out of the office instead? Or maybe just vomit and be excused?

I am uncomfortable with my own naked body, the thought, at that point, of someone else seeing it and touching it just made me about crazy. Add to that, I am the first of one of my groups of friends to have a physical so I had no idea what to expect.

My doctor "warmed me up" with stories about a very professional type lawyer coming into her ER with a 12" vibrator stuck so far up his anus that it had to be surgically removed because it couldn't be removed with fingers, and then a 14 year old that got a hair dryer stuck in her vajayjay. The exam started okay... then the breast exam just made me stare at the cieling. I don't know what I was expecting with the internal and I felt uncomfortable with the speculum but it was over so quickly that I was surprised and said "That's it?!" and she said "What did you expect?".

Back in April, she referred me to Dr Hanson, a top dermatologist in this area, saying he would call me, but I never recieved a call, so while I was in the office, my doctor called his office and all of a sudden, I have an appointment for tomorrow morning... so that will frame up my busy weekend.

I came home Friday night to bath two horses in a thunder storm and stay up until 1am getting them ready to haul them in the morning - for our 4H Achievement Day. Ari had never been bathed in a bazillion years, and she had also, at that point, never been trailered or taken off the property. She was SOOOO good overall, I was extremely impressed. She is very quickly becoming the child safe horse I have hoped she would be, since she is too short for me to show. The kids did really well with their horses and I was very proud of their accomplishments... and I really miss showing horses myself. I have to buy a trailer before I can do anything, though.

I spent today at a horse show with mom's booth and helping Jill out with her photography stuff which only intensified my missing showing badly. :P If I had not been so tired with an underlying serious stomach cramp problem all weekend, I would definitely have come home and ridden and bathed more horses tonight, but alas, I napped instead.

Agh!

It's P day. Physical. *scared face*

I try in vain not to be a girl...

But I am not very good at it!

The last week or so has been an up and down roller coaster of happiness, jealousy and anger. Most of the anger has been kitchen-staff related since one guy in the kitchen seems to have taken some power to head. I blew up at him yesterday and then confessed to him today that I called him a kitchen nazi on Facebook and Twitter and he couldn't figure out why I would be mad at him!

I have been seeing my gypsy as often as possibly but unfortunately, as we get busier, I am less able to make time to see him. I believe this means it is time to try and see him outside of work. Fireworks on Canada Day, anyone? It might be worth a try. I have always wanted to watch fireworks with a boy... a straight boy.

About that wagon ride...

So on the topic of wagon rides, I have been anxiously watching out the window for the last two weeks at work to see my gypsy's wagon pass by. I have desperately wanted to go for a wagon ride, period, regardless of who the teamster is, so yesterday we closed the restaurant at 4pm, and I worked from 3 to 4 to get all the closing up stuff done (since we had no one in the restaurant) and Laura and I went to go on a wagon ride at 4.

We walked up to the big barn to see some of the carriage collection, which was exciting and made me drool... some of those antiques are gorgeous, and I would love to use them but I know Bronwyn would tear something like that to shreds. We had hoped we would catch my teamster's wagon but any wagon would do. Eventually, we walked up to the visitor reception centre and caught him giving a little ride around the turn circle to a couple of little boys sitting up on the front seat with him.

We went up and bummed a ride and he offered for us both to sit up on the front seat with him also... which resulted in me flashing him a healthy shot of my cleavage as I clambored up, and then Laura followed but it was quite a tight squeeze, so I announced that I would be snuggling up indecently which he didn't disagree with. Then the little boys asked us about the chestnuts on the horse's legs and we bullshitted an answer together which was kind of cute.

Following that, I put my bag on the floorboard and it fell off into the back of the wagon, upside down - this is my luck kind of thing. Laura graciously offered to get down and get it and then stayed down so I had my gypsy all to myself... except for her standing there, you know. Anyways... he lugged us back across the bridge and past our stop so we had to sit at the Grant store for an extra 10 minutes with him, which was nice, having a chat... then he brought us back.

And then, a girl I am not sure I like anymore even though I watched her grow up, took my spot next to my gypsy. GRRR. I am a jealous person, I have discovered.

:)

I <3 wagon rides. SQUEEEEEE.

Soo sleepy...

And distracted.

This is stupid.

At first, I was excited to have a crush on someone because it meant that I had something to look forward to day to day. Now I am just neurotic, obsessive old me. Argh.

I'd do that for a dollar!

I sooo didn't feel like going to work this morning, but went anyways and ended up making $60 in tips, which is a really good haul for June, on a weekday. Seemed like an awful lot of foreign tourists already, maybe vacationing season comes early overseas?

Tomorrow, I am hostessing, which is alright because that typically means I don't do a whole lot (I get paid less but whatever) and usually have a chance to go and chat with my gypsy.

I didn't get that chance today because we were way too busy but I did catch a glimpse and give a big wave and smile as I was driving down to the restaurant - he was walking around carrying a giant scythe. It was thrilling.

I really have nothing else to say - except nyah nyah - I sat on the deck tonight on a couch with my laptop in hand and listened to frogs sing while I edited some work for Kayla. :) Rock.

Also, I finished the last edit of my novel. I am officially not going to touch it ANYMORE. Because I just do more damage. I am going to send it around and let some other people read it but I can't do it anymore. You can't tinker with perfection (haha, just kidding!).

Mindful

Yesterday was a complete bust at work... I have been hostessing a lot and worked at the Ice Cream Parlour on Friday, so not a lot of tips. I figured on a sunny Saturday, we would do alright but only brought home $13. Argh. And then I have to go back and hostess Tuesday as well.

I must secretly confess that I don't mind hostessing on slow days, it gives me an opportunity to run down and chat with my teamster gypsy when he doesn't have anyone on his wagon. Sometimes I think I think too much because then I turn around and wonder if the only reason I am interested is because it's nice to have someone to be interested in. :P I'm a loser!

Tiffany was wonderful and drove me to work and picked me up yesterday since mom and dad were gone to Halifax with the van. I <3 Tiff! We went back to her place after and watched Taken and ate Kraft Dinner while Abbey ate chinese, which I totally should have ordered. LOL I STILL want Chinese today! Maybe we'll get some for supper... hmmm.

And today, I am taking Shay to the Bark In The Park with our dogs. It should be interesting. I want to get a painting made by Morrie. :)

*sigh*

Two days that were great, chill flow days at work turned bad when I get home. Nice.

I sleep too much!

I have been sleeping almost nonstop the last couple of days - they were my days off and I woke up yesterday with such horrific cramps in my calves and swollen feet that I wasn't sure I could walk - my hip sockets also hurt me badly. I guess I just can't win with body pain! First, falling off Bronwyn and hurting so bad, then going back to work and hurting doubly bad. I couldn't even ride on my days off because I was so sore and tired.

I did wake up briefly to have dinner at Yoo China with Adam last night, which was interesting. When we first walked in, it appeared to be a takeout place with the food all on display, like it belonged in the food court at the mall. The girl behind the counter asked if we were dining in and sent us up a LONG flight of stairs into a sketchy room that sounded kind of like we were in an airport. It had a really chic vibe to it so I immediately worried that I was underdressed and it was out of my price range, and especially the latter when I opened the menu and everything was $20 per order or more!

Then I flipped the page and my heart went back into my chest and I ordered chicken with cashew, which was missing cashews until about halfway through when the waiter brought me a dish of cashews, apologizing for having forgotten them in the first place. We had some yummy, spicy rice pudding for dessert, and I am by far and away NOT a rice pudding type of gal, but it wasn't half bad. Pretty good actually.

And today, I didn't do much except snack on the groceries mom bought yesterday. I love having healthy food in the house, but I had to rid the cupboards of cookies before I could settle into my healthy eating routine again!

And there's pretty much nothing else to report.

Shook me all night long!

Haha, not really though.

I am sore. From my knees down, I can hardly walk and it's sucky.

My feet have been so swollen the last two mornings, I have had to soak them in icy cold water to get the swelling down lest my skin split open. And now I have massive pain in my calves, which isn't fun at all. I literally have pain-to-tears going down the stairs.

I don't know what I will do. What a sucky way to spend my two days off - all crippled up.

It's the climb...

I have been run pretty much off my feet all the month of May but I am finally reining things in and getting them under control, hurray!

My week started off with a bang, literally. I spent the last two weekends bragging to Suzanne and Bob from the Wind Rider Challenge about how great and awesome Bronwyn is and how she never leaves me behind, and then got a rude awakening on Monday evening. I rode her in the roundpen and she worked top class... then I pulled her out of the round pen to work on some long lateral movement... and all of a sudden, there was a cat. And not just a cat, but a cat climbing a tree. And then I was on the ground.

It happened so fast, I hardly had time to figure out what was going on, I was just laying on the ground, then sitting up, watching Bronwyn run away from me to the barn, going "WHAT just happened here?!". From what I figure, she stopped hard and popped up in front, effectively throwing me off balance because I didn't have weight in both stirrups because I was pushing her with my leg badcore. Then she spun right (I think?), and I slid off, bounced my head off the ground (thank god for new helmet!) and somehow landed on both my left boob and left butt cheek at the same time (no idea where my arm was!). When I finally got my senses about me, got up and followed her, I found her in the barn, standing obediently in her stall. I imagine the act of me falling was almost as traumatic for her as the cat climbing the tree.

Tuesday, I worked, but did very little as I was extremely sore through my head and neck. Wednesday, I was killer sore in my shoulders and back. I couldn't have gotten on her Tuesday if I had wanted to and by Wednesday, my butt was hurting - I could have got on but no way could I have ridden any of her gaits, so I worked on the ground with her some. I really like desensitizing my horses to enough stuff that they get to the point that when they see new, scary things, they don't even care anymore.

So I got out the plastic-bag-on-a-stick, and the hula-hoop-of-death, and put them to work. I swung the bag around her head, rubbed her legs, over her back, chucked it in the air, smacked her with it, and she stood fine and perfect. Then came the hula hoop which I threw in the air to let it bounce off her butt, put around her neck, made her step into and then walk with around her legs, falling on her knees, rolled it underneath her, hit her with it, flipped it back and forth on her back, etc. All of this stuff didn't bother her... but the next time I see a cat climbing a tree, I bet it will.

The reason I am so sour about the whole thing is that I was carrying on an 11 year not-falling-off streak - so I guess I was due for a fall. The longer you go between falls, the more evil they become in your mind, so really, I needed it so I could think "Hey, that's not so bad, I can live with this, and I don't have to ride in absolute horror of it happening.". I also decided that Bronwyn is a decent height to fall from.

I went in for my physical last night but since I was on my period, I couldn't do the pelvic, so we put off the whole thing. My doctor chatted with me a little bit, which was nice because we're both horse people, and she poked and prodded and palpated my spine and neck when she found out I had fallen, even though I told her I didn't hurt anymore.

I FINALLY picked up the cream and shampoo she prescribed me over a month ago (had the pharmacist check, it was back in APRIL when she prescribed it!), and I took a picture of my face pre-rosacea treatment, so we will see how it works.

She also said that the results of my bloodtests were mostly alright - except a bit of slightly elevated cholesterol which she wasn't super worried about. With that said, she is referring me to a dermatologist to see about my acne and facial hair growth to see if he can find a cause (mostly for the hair), and if he can't, she is referring me to an endocrinologist. I go back for my physical on the 26th of this month.

The last two days have been spent in First Aid courses for Mal and I, during which I discovered that I am attracted to (or at least distracted by naughty thoughts about) the worst person possible. He is a gypsy, practically, that squats on other people's land, and drives a refurbished firetruck and is old, probably older than 35, but it's hard to tell because his face looks young generally. BUT he is great with horses and came to the course with his boots smelling like horseshit (for once, I smelled and wasn't like "is that me?!") and works his horses on his lunchbreak - he's a teamster.

Everyone will make fun of me but dude.

!!

I'm alive!

Just barely.

And will write for reals later.

The CRAZY week!

So... last week was crazy and then the weekend has pretty much died off.

We drove home from Truro where we were at a horse trade fair on Sunday night. Bright and early Monday morning, I had to get up to take Shay to ortho. Bright and early Tuesday morning, I had to get up and take mom to the hospital for a gastroscopy and then to a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. Wednesday morning, I had to get up bright and early and go for bloodwork! Thursday, I got to sleep in, but I had a gal coming over to meet the horses since she is going to ride one for me. I can't remember what Friday did, and yesterday was pretty lazy. And amidst all of that, I had to drive dad to Keswick for 7:30 and pick him up for 4:30, so it kind of framed up my day and put me on the road all day long.

Also, I have been thinking. Do guys who still smoke pot into their twenties ever intend to give it up? I am thinking that I need to just stay away from habitual pot smokers anyways, because I want to have children eventually and drugs will not be a part of a household of mine with a baby in it. And I generally think people who habitually smoke pot instead of having a career are kind of stupid, and I think Tiffany agrees with me.

But I digress. I can't seem to attract anyone BUT habitual pot smokers! AGH.

It's all good. I am going to stay single if I have to. *calming breaths*

Blah

The day had been long. Anger had drained her while exhaustion had eaten at her, all while she had been expected to keep a smile on her face. The day had culminated in a long walk, unplanned, in sandals, on pavement, at least a couple of miles, after sitting as the day chilled and rain threatened, for two hours waiting. She hated depending on other people. The sour feelings and animosity she felt when others failed her had never sat well in her soul. Often, in high school, she would choose to take on enormous projects on her own rather than have to depend on someone else. It was a sentiment she took to her adult life, the inability to depend on someone, to hand the reins of responsibility over. It tired her, because she did everything now on her own.



When she finally got home, the aged wood called to her, whispered her name. She didn't even bother with dinner, the call was so strong, but slid into her workworn boots, leather cracking at the spot where her foot bent when she took a step, mud caked on them. This, this was the right feeling. She could feel the anger leech through the soles of her boots at the smell of hay and manure mingling with lathered horses and hay.



The walk was simple, easy, even though her body ached from the unplanned miles, as though she were floating. It was always like this. She got the notion to go to the barn but never remembered the trip out there. Maybe because it was a routine as old as she was, this going to the barn, or because she was so focused on the goal, the velvety noses, the soft whickers and chuffs of greeting she would hear when she pulled the heavy door open. Mud tried to suck at her boots but she barely noticed it, undeterred.



He was first. This week had been the first time he had been first since his mother died. He spoke to her loudly as he heard her coming up the aisle. He greeted her and "talked" with her often, he was a very vocal equine. She had imagined if he had a human voice, he would never stop with the catcalls. "Hey honey, you're home!"



His soft golden coat gleamed under his stall lights and he pushed his nose against the crook of her elbow to say hello. He had always been demonstrative but as he'd aged she had had to put a curb on it, his enthusiasm could be dangerous and irritating by times. Today, she let him press his forehead to her chest and rest his nose against her stomach, comforting her.



When it was time to work, he put up the usual fuss. Wrapping his legs, he shifted and shimmied, trying to make it difficult for her. She moved as she always did, reprimanding, not unkindly, and eventually he was ready. He flashed under the setting sun as he worked circle after circle around her, muscles bunching and releasing under his silky coat. She thought to herself, "Yes, this is something I might be able to build a dream on."



Before she knew it, her ten minutes with him were over and she retired him to his stall. And then it was her.



She speculated that this mare had never been her first choice. She would not have pulled her off of a lineup before the colt's mother had died. The colt's mother had set a standard for every horse that would follow in her life. She struggled for over a year before she found the mare, waiting for her, just as she realized she had been waiting for the mare for a long year.



There was no work here, just the communing of friends who enjoyed spending time together. She worked away at the mare's coat, the long, loose hairs of winter still greedily clinging to what promised to be a polished ebony coat underneath. Her fingers quickly coating with horsegrease, tumbleweeds of old hair cartwheeled away from the coat, leaving a layer on the ground of enough hair to build another horse. Spring was her favourite.

Cause you know, sister, my heart's been broken...

I hate rain in the morning on the farm. Rain at night is fine, but who wants to wake up to a grim, rainy day? Nonetheless, I must. :(

So my week has been full of adventure since I wrote last (what is it about me and adventures?!). On Wednesday, I had a full day of work planned. I had to take Shay's dog, Psyche, to her at school so she could do a training demo for her French class and while I was gone, mom texted me to tell me that our great dane, Sasha, my mini aussie, Morrie, and Shay's german shepherd, Bella, had run away. I sped home, my eyes open for them at every turn. They are usually pretty predictable where they come out but upon further investigation, I could find none of them. Sasha wandered home not long after I did, and Morrie followed about an hour later, but Bella stayed out.

We figured something was not quite right for Bella because she usually comes home first - she is more than able to keep up with the others, so we figured she might have followed a deer or her nose into the deep woods and got turned around, or might have got hung up on something (even though she doesn't wear a collar). In the afternoon, I got Bronwyn saddled up and went to take her out. It was super windy and she was spooking at everything in the yard and didn't even want to leave it, but she did with some convincing and then did really well on her first solo hack. We went into the deep woods, through lots of mud, I was shouting Bella's name the whole time and she was great. We were out for about 40 minutes, total, I think. I was really proud of her.

Luckily, around 7pm, someone spotted Bella and another dog that we didn't know together at the top of Woodstock Hill and dad and Shay went down and she was standing on the porch of a chalet, the other dog nowhere to be seen. Shay was relieved, needless to say, and she came home, very shameful, as if she had meant to get home before we found her!

And I went to the doctor last night. I was super anxious because it has been, as she pointed out, 9 years since I have been in. I told her about my slew of "issues" (SPOILER: TMI AHEAD!) - dandruff, the acne, lumps on my scalp, the beard I can't seem to stay ahead of, and she said that all signs point to PCOS. She ordered bloodwork and a physical with an internal, prescribed me some cream ($42 cream, no less!) for my face, and a special shampoo for my dandruff so we will give that a try and see if it helps. She also wants to referr me to a dermatologist. All kinds of stuff.

I am super busy right now so I will have to wait until Monday to share my FEELINGS about everything...

Keep it cool!

I had a couple of adventures today... well, one occured last night but was technically "today" since it was after midnight!

I went to visit Tiffany and D (even though D is always asleep when I come at late o'clock) and lost track of time until it was almost 1am. The van needs new tires DESPERATELY and we have had a slow leak in the front driver's side tire... I pumped it up before I left Nackawic, but then on Maple Ridge, felt the definitely buzz/hum of a clear flat. Pulled over, tried to pump it up to no avail. I don't have any minutes on my cell, just text, so I had to text Tiff and get her to call my parents at 1:15am (!!) and wake them up and have them come and get me because I was stranded. She said dad sounded mad but he was overall not too angry. He never once had to come and pick me up drunk or in trouble anywhere during my childhood so he really can't complain when things happen that aren't my fault. In fact, he blamed HIMSELF for it. The tire had a weird bump in it and it must have just let go, I didn't hit a pothole or anything to make it go down, so that's what I figure. Have to locate some new tires tomorrow morning!

First thing, I got up and kicked horses out then dad got me and we went to change the tire on the van and bring it home. I wasn't home for too long when I looked out and Bronwyn and Ari had climbed out of the fence somehow (I know how, they lean on it and the posts fall over because the ground is all loamy right now because of all the water!). Rex was in their stalls, and the goats were in his because their pen was being cleaned out so I went to help finish cleaning out the goat pen before we could bring them in and when I looked out again, Jessie had busted the fence too, and they had taken off through the orchard and up the hill toward the road at breakneck speed. Freckles, too stupid to walk five feet up the fenceline and step over the destroyed fence, was going ABSOLUTELY NUTS. Racing around the pasture SCREAMING. Usually she is in on any jailbreaks. Sable also was still in the pasture chilling out near the pony/llama/alpaca/goat pen, didn't care that everyone else was gone - bless the old girl.

I took a bucket of grain out to shake and call for them but they thought they could hear green grass growing so they hung out up there while I tried to stop Freckles from ripping down the rest of the fence. Finally, dad brought me her halter and I led her back to the barn, but not before she tried to jerk my arm out of it's socket. SOMEONE is getting a lesson on LIFE shortly!

THEN I walked up the hill to get to Jessie, B and Ari... when Ari saw me, she trotted over all cute and lovely, took some grain, and then trotted around the pasture... then Bronwyn came over and did the same thing. All proud, I'm thinking "those're my girls!"... then they took off down the hill without me (even though I had brought a halter and leadrope!). Just wanted me to get some exercise, I guess! I was leagues behind them when I finally got down but they went into the barn alright.

Later on in the afternoon, I went out to try some of Monty Roberts' "join up" method with Bronwyn (works or not, it's good to spend time with her!), and before I even got to B, noticed that my pet sheep, LO (short for "Little One"), had a really cute, slimy black lamb beside her (!!). Ran to the house and got mom and we got LO2 up and going, nursing. She is jet black all over, except for a few tiny white hairs on the very top of her head. I am still deciding if we will call her LO2 (because she is literally the smallest lamb I have ever seen, even smaller than LO herself was!) or Retsina. Still thinking!

I played at the join up game with Bronwyn for a little while, but was unsuccessful in getting exactly what I wanted out of her. I didn't expect to get it right away, and I'm not completely sold on the method either (something about predatory aggression toward a prey animal to make it trust you just seems so wrong to me)... but it was neat to see her dropping her head and chewing and licking, signs of submission - though she certainly didn't do it for long periods. She trusts me fundamentally, but when it comes down to complete and utter trust, I don't think I will ever win that one over. I trust her, I respect her, and she does the same for me but she just isn't "in love" with me the same way I am in love with her, I guess! I thought about taking her for a ride but I free longed her for so long trying to get her to join up when I turned my back that she had worked up a sweat. If nothing else, she will get fit in the process of all this stuff.

I really should ride her tomorrow, though, because I started a "Biggest Loser" thing against Tiffany, Valerie and Chris... I have been eating alright lately, but I want to get better and better! :) I can't wait until vegetable gardens are ready for harvest... love fresh produce from the garden! Also gotta work hard on getting my water into me and my sleep, so I won't be up for very much longer! (Yeah, right!)

I guess I missed my mark, but my fingers get the sparks at the thought of them touching you when you're wounded...

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday to discuss several issues that have been building up over several years bothering me. I am pretty much scared witless of it... I know she's going to say lose weight, but it's all of the other things she might say... "... trouble concieving..." "... hormonal imbalance..." "... skin cancer..." "... brain tumour..." "... surgery..." "... diabetes..." "... PCOS..." - I'm really not a hypochondriac and I haven't looked up any of these things, but she is either going to pin me with one of the above... or she's going to completely ignore all of these things that have been bothering me and robbing me of my self confidence and any feelings of self worth.

I don't know which I am more afraid of.

I had a sex scene from my novel read aloud today and realized how stereotypical it sounds. I can't let myself rewrite much more of it. I just keep putting in work and putting in work. It's not like it ever would have been a NYT best seller anyways... just a nice little startup book, it only needs to make me about 5k in royalties and then I could go to school and get started on real life. Not exactly a get rich quick scheme but the only way I can concieve of getting the money I need to go to school.

That is pretty much all. Not very interesting.

Oh yeah, except... I found my first wrinkle - it is vertical between my eyes where I always furrow my brow... "perma furrow" is right, Denis!

And I also dreamt last night that I had 13 babies and I was going to give them all away or sell them so I didn't name them.